Mum2Mum: Here is why your son is overprotective

Q

Hi Prof,

Please help me understand the overprotective nature of my nine-year-old son. He doesn’t seem happy when I talk and laugh with men. Simple chats with the guy at the shop, the boda boda rider, petrol station attendant, relatives, even his dad seem to aggravate him.

He bombards me with questions each time I have a conversation with a man. Sometimes, he interrupts the conversations.

He once asked me: “Mum, do you miss Wycliffe (the bodaboda rider) when we go upcountry for December holidays?” I asked him why he wanted to know and he responded that he just felt like asking. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in his little head. I’m a chatty person but I rarely flirt with men.

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A

Responses from readers

In psychology, it is called the Oedipus Complex. Where female children get attached to the dad while male children get attached to mum. At his stage, he sees you as his first “romantic conquest” and feels jealous of other men whom in his little head, he sees as “competitors” to your attention.

Richard Omanga

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Kindly read the two complex as advanced by Sigmund Freud, an Austrian neurologist to understand personality (Oedipus and Electra complex) and you will understand that your child is very normal. Any child at a certain age of development will find the parent of the opposite sexually attractive.

Sounds scary but it’s very true.

Wanjiku Ndegwa

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It is you who has imprisoned the child with 'unnecessary' mama's love. It is as if you don't release him to go and play with other children to free his mind and broaden his imagination to understand how things work naturally in the process. Stop excessive pampering of the young man and help him to grow into a real man and not a sissy.

Cyrus Nyarangi

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Male children tend to be overprotective towards their moms as they feel they are sharing the attention and love of their moms with another man!

Brenda

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Male children generally tend to be closer to their moms than the females, so they tend to want to secure the love of their mothers! It is your duty as a mother to instil discipline and morals at that stage so your son can pick a leaf as he grows since he's watching you closely as he grows up.

Phoebe Miriam

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Let’s go back to the basics. Our mothers had no time for such things in the past. Stop complicating this with theories. Children knew their proper place. I can’t dismiss the scientific explanations, which could exist in the west due to the way they operate socially, but in Africa? Please spare me. I see mothers babying their 10-year-olds like they are one. We modern parents are not giving our children the space to grow and identify with who they are.

All the time we are like, ooh my baby this, my baby that, let us give our children their space, we are almost literally living their lives.

Mama, you have crowded your son too much, without letting him mingle with other children his age. What do you expect? He is totally dependent on you, you have made yourself his idol, your child is just a victim of an identity crisis.

Irene Pepetual Njeri

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You need to make that boy understand what he is going through- Oedipus/Oedipal complex. He must resolve this conflict and find his identity lest he gets attached to you forever. The problem is if he gets permanently attached you, it will be almost impossible for him to form normal or working romantic relationships with women in his adult life.

Peter Muyonga

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Family Therapist’s Response

You need thumbs up as a mum for identifying that your son is overprotective, a challenge that he should be assisted to handle and resolve.  Some parents are oblivious to emotional, cognitive, and behavioural problems that their children may manifest along the way.  The ability to identify such needs and challenges in children is a precursor to parents developing strategies for dealing with them.

Three issues

The case of this boy is bringing out three issues that require attention. 

First, this boy is a parentified child, meaning he is not living his developmental stage in life but is like an adult who has assumed the role of taking care of his mother against any assumed predator male even his dad.

This means he is becoming suspicious, insecure, and mistrusting of any man who gets near his mother.

These character traits would eventually lead him into developing personality disorders like obsessive-compulsive personality order (being over possessive and not having an ability to stop oneself to do so) or even narcissistic personality disorder (having a sense of entitlement, lacking empathy, and having a need to be the centre of attention). The narration does not provide information on what he fears these men would do to you as his mother.

Not a good sign

He is keeping vigil over you which is not a good sign for a child in his formative ages because he is not attending to his developmental needs while he keeps watching over you.

Second, he is an intrusive individual who eavesdrops on your conversations, interrupts, and questions you.

This means that his boundaries are rather blurred in his relationship with other people. Of key concern is the mention that he does not trust even his father and would want to protect you from him.

Could it be that he has experienced his father as not caring or abusive of you? It’s important to identify where the suspicion of men originated from. Thirdly is that he is behaving like your romantic partner.

It is normal for young boys to have a very close relationship with their mothers, however, they can resolve it by identifying much more with their fathers.

You can start engaging with your son over what you are observing so that you can help him resolve these issues before they become a permanent feature in him. You may also want to examine tendencies and behaviours that may have contributed to the behaviours which you are concerned about.

Prof Catherine Gachutha is one of the pioneers of counselling in Kenya. She is a former Chairperson of Kenya Counselling and Psychological Association. She is also the author of Management of Counsellor Burnout: A Counsellor Supervisor's Handbook.

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