My wife hasn't apologised for cheating; how do I forgive her?

Dear Kitoto,

I am 30 and married for five years. We have a three-year-old son.

My wife begun to distance herself from me at the beginning of this year. Every time I would touch her, she would give excuses as to why we could not be intimate.

Sometimes she would only relent if I insisted. I was planning to take her for counselling until I found out that she was having an affair with another man.

I asked her about it but instead of apologising, she left me and went to live with this man for two weeks.

I swallowed my pride because I love her and my son and called to beg her to come back home.

Things have never been the same. I am afraid to show her affection because she does not seem happy to be back.

She is not remorseful about what she did and does not seem to care if we separate.

I do not think she loves me any more. I need help because I love her and I want my family together.

I have talked to her on several occasions because I want to know the truth, but she says she loves me and wants us to be together.

How I can learn to forgive her?

-Peter

Hi Peter,

The exposure of sin is meant to do two things.

First, it reveals that there exists a problem in the relationship. This problem has a root cause, which the couple must take the necessary journey to discover.

Secondly, it also presents the need for confession and restoration.

Feeling love for the other person and just inviting them back without true confession and repentance leaves the door open for the generation of a cycle of such habits.

It is, therefore, important for your wife to deal with this issue through acknowledgement of sin, repentance, and a commitment to a way forward that will not leave the door open for revenge.

I am glad that you are willing to mend the relationship, but caution you not to allow your wife to move on as though nothing happened.

You have done the manly thing and offered her the opportunity for reconciliation. Approach her with love and firmness.

Let her know that faithfulness is key. Ask her if she is willing to commit to this kind of future with you.

Women normally need to process such issues and close doors.

In your desire to reconcile, ask yourself if there are things you did that could have opened the door for her to walk into another relationship.

A spouse does not just walk outside the marriage covenant into another person’s arms. There must be issues that culminate in that.

So, if you truly love her, have an honest discussion on what could have caused this.

If you need another couple to walk with you through this discussion, please do so.

Where are all the serious men?

Dear Kitoto,

I am 27 with a four-year-old son. My son’s father denied him, but I have worked hard and provided for the child.

The problem is that I cannot find a man to settle down with. Since I gave birth to my son in 2009, I have had two boyfriends.

Though we broke up, we still talk.
Most men who come my way now are married. I cannot find any who is ready to commit.

I just want a man I can love and who will love me back. I am working, so money is not an issue.

I just want to have a man I can call my own. I pray over it every day. My friends tell me to be patient, but am just too lonely to be patient.

I am a simple outgoing beautiful girl, so I cannot quite comprehend why I do not have a man. I know you cannot help me get a man, but just advise me.

-Etana

Hi,

I see that you have been focused and committed to ensuring that your son knows that he has a mother who cares.

Getting out of a situation that you found yourself in — pregnant and abandoned by the man responsible — is hard for many.

So far you have done well.
I encourage you to stay focused, love yourself and son, and continue to show responsibility and care.

Although it is great to get married, life is indeed bigger than just that.

There are many successful single mothers out there who are doing a great job and realising their potential. So, do not allow yourself to be pushed to the point of desperation.

Stay focused, pure, and principled. At 27, there is still plenty to see and encounter.

I believe that God gives us marriage as a gift. He provides us a spouse who will truly love us for who we are.

Therefore, do not marry just to find a father for your son or to fill the void of loneliness.

What you need is a companion and friend who will commit to walk with you through all seasons of life.
Your biggest temptation will be to manage your sexuality.

Do not let the thrill of the moment push you to actions that you may regret later.

Faith and prayer can do wonders and help open impossible doors. Ensure also that you maintain a healthy social life.

He is a good guy but I am unhappy

Dear Kitoto,

I am a fan of your articles and I believe they really change relationships.

I refer to your article dated September 2, about getting into wrong marriages.

I am in a dilemma and I feel that there is no way out.

I met my boyfriend five years ago.

When he asked me to marry him, I felt that I was not ready. At that moment, a lot was going on in my head and I wondered if I was making the right choice.

During our third year of seeing each other, I lost a well-paying job and he was by my side.

I am an outgoing person and very self-dependent. I did not want to go back to my parents’ house, so he helped me by paying my car loan while I paid my rent through my parents help.

In the fourth year, I could not take it any more. I felt hemmed in and I believed it was my fault because the man did nothing wrong.

I got the courage to let go and moved to another house that he could not access with his key.

After a few months, I met an old friend and we started to date. But it did not last long because he was not ready to settle down.

After a long time of trying to persuade me, I went back to my previous boyfriend. But he put a condition, that if we get back together, I have to move in with him.

I knew it was the wrong decision but my clock was ticking.

I needed a man with a stable job. I had started a small business but it was not meeting my needs.

A week after I moved in with the man, I found a good job. Then we started arguing.

I felt that he had taken advantage of me and forced me to move in with him.

I talked to my close friends and they all said how nice he was, warning me that I would not get another good man like him. Some told me to move on.
We are not sexually involved, although we stay in the same house. Last week, I told him that I would move out.

He became very nice and I started wondering if I will ever get another good man like him if I moved out.

Should I force myself to be happy? I do not know what I need to do. What I know is that I have a very good boyfriend, but I am not happy. What do I do?

-Anonymous

Hi,

The questions you need to answer yourself are: What makes a good man? What makes a happy marriage?

Friedrich says: “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

I have discovered that my love for my wife deepens each year. All we had at the beginning were areas of agreement that would make a happy, friendly, and lasting marriage.

With time, I came to realise that living happily was a choice we had to make.

You have to remember that in every relationship, a couple will have areas of agreement and those of disagreement.

The areas of agreement are those that connect the couple. These are areas where agreement is reached without question on some basic issues that are key in a relationship.

What defines this area for you? What would you say makes you see this man as good and could make a great husband?

Do the issues here in this area look the same as the dream you have for a marriage?

Remember, this has nothing to do with “just feelings”, but concrete things that make sense to the mind and resonate with the heart.

Yes, your man has walked with you through many tough moments. However, I see an unstable you through this journey.

You have to sort yourself out and know what kind of man you need. I have seen people grow to love each other deeply.

But this is out of a well-thought-out plan. Such spouses know what counts and what does not. So for you, there must be the bottom line. What is it?

Marriage is about informed choices that build understanding and fellowship between spouses.

There are moments in when you do not “feel” love from your partner, but you know you are loved by them.

Keen, in one of his writings, states: “We come to love, not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”

I’ve been used but ready to move on

Dear Kitoto,

I am 34 and a born-again Christian. I have been in three failed relationships.

The first was in high school, where I met this handsome man from my village. He was then at university.

We parted ways when I learned that he had made his college mate pregnant. We are still good friends and he remains unmarried.

I met the second man in Nairobi at the International Christian Centre (ICC) in South C, where I used to fellowship. He was a born-again person and we loved each other.

The problem was that he was too possessive. He would call several times to know whether I had reached the house from the office.

He did not allow me to see girlfriends. He even doubted my own relatives.

He was insecure because he did not have a permanent job. I would support him by giving him money for application fees and fare to interviews.

I even connected him to some of my relatives, but in vain.

I was transferred to Kisumu and we broke up because he believed that I was seeing working-class men.

He and his sisters once accused me of having an affair with my cousin. I had to involve my brother to confirm to him that the man was, indeed, my cousin.

But of course it was after going through some embarrassing encounters filled with insults.

He never trusted me and we always argued. I could not handle it further and told him it was over.

By then, we had both visited our parents and the two parties were aware of the relationship. It took me some time to heal.

After three years, I met another man and he promised to marry me.

I told him all about my past and he also did the same. Later, I learned that he had hidden some information from me.

I learned this when we had a baby. I found out that he had two other children with another woman. I was hurt beyond repair.

I had introduced him to my parents as the father of my baby, even though it had been hard for me to face my parents after getting pregnant.

I thought, “how many other things could this man be hiding from me?” I decided to end the relationship.

We had been together for three years and he had good plans, but being a second wife? Not me.

His parents also seemed to support the other woman as she was from their tribe.

Kindly pastor, advise and if possible, hook me up with a Christian man who believes in God and marriage.

I am ready to start all over again.

-Liz

Hi,

Insecure people are at times hard to deal with. Most of them, judge relationships through the lens of past experiences.

Other insecure partners never stop looking for a perfect partner.

They forget that all people are imperfect. It is all about what we choose to see.

In other instances, insecurity invents problems that do not even exist. Insecure people will, therefore, look for avenues to gain control of a relationship.

For you, the easiest way for your second boyfriend was to call and check on your whereabouts.

That was his way of dealing with his insecurity. Another issue here was his unemployment. It made him look for ways to ensure that no one else was with you.

A time comes when insecurity in the relationship has to be confronted and dealt with or it may hold those in the relationship hostage.

I believe that with healing, you will be able to see the future ahead clearly. The wounds you have received from this second relationship are real.

Definitely, as a Christian, your action to move out of a relationship where you would be considered as a second wife is right.

It gives the man the opportunity to heal his marriage.

In life, we make mistakes, but we have to turn to God for healing.

Do not blame yourself. It will not help you heal and move forward with clarity.

You are a single mother now with added responsibility over the little angel you have.

I suggest that you take time to heal and care for your child. God has his own surprises in store for his children.

It is an awesome responsibility to be a parent. Take it with pride and seek God’s help to raise your child in God’s ways.

I pray that God will remember you as you walk with Him through this.