20 Practical ways for couples to increase understanding

In my book, The Marriage Dance, I allude to the fact that, although many African cultures are perceived to be open, a closer look reveals that many have hidden beliefs, value systems, and practices that might not be overtly expressed to an outsider.

Besides, two people are never the same. We all respond to, and process, issues differently. There is, therefore, a need for couples to increase understanding. Our world views affect the way we understand and respond to information and issues raised by the other person. To increase understanding, our world views and viewpoints need to merge. As two people relate, they begin their journey towards getting to know each other better. The more they disclose issues and understand each other’s viewpoint concerning various issues, the closer their world views become.

I have discovered that when I listen with the aim of conveying the meaning of what I am told to someone else who earnestly needs that information, my comprehension of the information shows a higher retention rate than when I memorise that information. The ability to listen like this can foster deep understanding and intimacy. Here are some ways ways to increase understanding in a relationship:

•Be honest and open in your disclosure

•Address any issues that hinder intimacy

•Be good readers of material that build your relationship

•Have regular talk-time, fellowship, and fun-time together

•Do not be selfish by being too interruptive

•Be empathetic towards your spouse

•Work towards becoming good, honest friends

•Be humble and focused in all you do

•Embrace conflict positively by solving issues together

•Be the first to admit your wrongs

•Be merciful and empathise with each other

•Show love and tender care, particularly when it is unexpected

•Work towards shared goals and values

•Be willing to share weaknesses, experiences, fears, worries and expectations freely

•Defeat apathy and work towards remaining a great team

•Affirm and complement each other

•Listen fully and carefully with your ears and heart

•Seek to hold your partner in high esteem

•Guide communication towards building common ground

•Identify areas that hinder communication and mutual understanding and look for ways to deal with them

•Use feedback by paraphrasing what you have heard to avoid assumptions or misinterpretation 

When we treat each other inconsiderately and take each other for granted, this punctures holes in the areas of common understanding. It is this greater understanding that leads our to “becoming one”.

Other issues that puncture holes in the areas of common understanding include keeping secrets, carrying unresolved and unhealed emotional baggage, becoming petty, becoming overly critical of each other. Remember that it is the need to share the undisclosed 10 per cent that is vital to a thriving relationship.