My fiancée has rejected me after I paid dowry

There is this woman I love deeply. We agreed to get married, and in preparation for this, I took dowry to her home, only for her to reject me. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • You are also lucky because you were not left standing at the altar, which I suppose is the worst experience anyone can go through. That said, you need to find out why your girlfriend broke up with you. Was it due to something you had done?
  • You say that you still want her back – whether this is possible or not depends on what happened between the two of you. If you know why she pushed you away, then you might find a way to make amends and win her back.
  • Bear in mind though, that as much as you might want her back, she might not want you back.

Kitoto,

There is this woman I love deeply.

We agreed to get married, and in preparation for this, I took dowry to her home, only for her to reject me.

I want you to show me the way forward because I still love her, and want to get married to her.

 

Though lacking in details, your story is similar to many such stories that can be told by many singles in this city and beyond. Getting dumped sucks, particularly where the relationship was deep and considered special.

The pain experienced by the one who was ditched can be long-lasting and devastating. Some partners share secrets, personal information and life events that makes their bond special.

When a separation happens, it tears into them, leaving them wounded and bitter. No one wants to be in such a position. Many people, and at times, very nice people, are afraid of getting into a relationship precisely because they fear getting dumped or hurt.  

During the breakup, one or both partners may feel a sense of abandonment or emptiness. They may miss their former boyfriend or girlfriend’s company, having someone to hug them, talk to and do things with. What you need during such moments is the encouragement and courage to move forward.

You might not see it now, but you are lucky. I say this because in my opinion, you would rather go through a break up of an engagement, than a marriage break up. There is a lot more to lose when a marriage breaks down, and there are so many things to consider before packing and leaving, such as children, property you have invested in together, and the home you have nurtured together.

WAY FORWARD

You are also lucky because you were not left standing at the altar, which I suppose is the worst experience anyone can go through. That said, you need to find out why your girlfriend broke up with you. Was it due to something you had done? Was your relationship going through a tough time? Did she discover things about you that she was unable to reconcile with? Whatever the case, looking back is important.

You say that you still want her back – whether this is possible or not depends on what happened between the two of you. If you know why she pushed you away, then you might find a way to make amends and win her back.  Bear in mind though, that as much as you might want her back, she might not want you back.

You can only seek reconciliation where reconciliation is desired. If it does not work out, my advice is that you heal before you move on.

You might not see it this way, but there are still many other beautiful women of good character that are waiting for a man like you. 

Breakup stages

Emotional pain that results from being dumped, divorced or separated from the one you love is deep. Here are some of the emotional feelings some go through after a breakup. 

Sadness

The feeling of love is special. It communicates acceptance and inclusion. Being dumped can communicate the opposite. As a result, one feels as if the gloominess they feel will never lift off, that they will be sad forever. 

Anger

Rejection can be deeply wounding. The bitterness and pain we feel can result in outbursts of anger. It is easy to feel taken advantage of and therefore desire revenge. 

Loneliness

Whatever the reason for the split, the breakup of a relationship can turn one’s whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. For some, going back into a space which will help them avoid pain becomes key. 

Confusion

Feelings that emerge from being dumped range from shock, hate, panic, anger, sadness, loneliness, feeling unlovable, and fear of future involvement in another relationship. The ability to deal with these feelings is key to developing a healthy self-image that is necessary for future relationships.

Breakups have been compared to divorce, which makes sense because you lose a loved one. It is also worth pointing out that how we deal with a breakup varies from person to person. Here are some pointers that may help you move forward with your life: 

  •   Do not hide your feelings

  •   Have a good support group/friend

  •   Allow yourself time to grieve

  •   Work hard at letting go

  •   Realise that healing takes time, and if need be, get help

  •   Don’t neglect yourself; as you go about healing, do the things that you love and work at rebuilding your self-esteem.

  •   Avoid jumping into another relationship quickly - love on the rebound can be disastrous.

  •   Don’t grieve for ever - mourning should not take the rest of your life.

  •   Reflect back over your previous relationship to learn from it.