BEHIND THE WHEEL: Oh yes, I’d love to have a TV show but not just yet

A Toyota Landcruiser. It is not common to come across one with a rusty undercarriage. PHOTO| COURTESY

What you need to know:

  • Like you, I believe that I could make an awesome host, and even then, should I be overwhelmed by an attack of camera-induced bashfulness, the ideas I have would still be worth the airtime when presented by someone else.
  • I have described before the obstacle course that is involved in getting a motoring show on the tube:  the horrendous costs, the unwillingness of industry players — both media and automotive — to play ball, the dearth of proper car-oriented film-making skill among the available film-making crews, etc.

Hi Baraza,

Great job in your column. I have three issues:

1. Have you considered doing a TV show? Your writing is superb and I have seen you on TV a couple of times and think you would make a great motoring host. Perhaps a Top Gear-esque (now Grand Tour) format. Remember to send me a royalty cheque should you decide to do this. 

2. I recently bought a used Landcruiser 100 series at a really good price. I later discovered extensive rust in the undercarriage.  I suspect that the previous owner was using the car to tow and deploy a boat in the sea. So far no major problems with the car although  a mechanic has suggested rust coating the undercarriage which, according to him, would resolve the problem. Would rust coating the car make the problem go away or should I consider alternative measures? 

3. Also, I recently acquired a Mercedes E500 W211. (I realise that I might sound like a wannabe, stuck-up braggart, but I live in a country where cars are relatively cheap  and paid less for both the Landcruiser and Mercedes than I would have for a Voxy in Kenya). The E500 has a rather lazy throttle response, at least not what I expected from a V8 Mercedes engine. It seems this is a fairly common problem from my research on online MB forums. They suggest a device called a sprint booster. As the car’s accelerator is electronically linked to the engine (as opposed to by a cable), the sprint boost is inserted between the accelerator pedal and electronic wiring and essentially overrides the signal to the engine to produce sharper throttle response. It does not increase horsepower. Based on theory, it should have the same effect as flooring the accelerator but my online research indicates people swear by it, especially in reducing throttle response lag.  Have you had any experience with speed boosters and what is your opinion of them?

David K

 

Hello Nzioka,

1 I have considered a TV show. In fact, I have done nothing but consider a TV show for the past five or six years. Like you, I believe that I could make an awesome host, and even then, should I be overwhelmed by an attack of camera-induced bashfulness, the ideas I have would still be worth the airtime when presented by someone else. I have described before the obstacle course that is involved in getting a motoring show on the tube:  the horrendous costs, the unwillingness of industry players — both media and automotive — to play ball, the dearth of proper car-oriented film-making skill among the available film-making crews, etc.

2 These stumbling blocks did not slow down my fantasies of becoming a home-grown Chris Harris, and in the course of pursuing these daydreams, I discovered a new set of problems: the general public. They fall into three categories:

i) Those who want to determine content, aka “The Dictators”: If I don’t make a form of televised Car Clinic, then I have failed before I even start. Car Clinic might be interesting on paper but trust me, it is not meant for the camera if you plan to stay awake beyond five minutes into any  episode. It calls for a degree of patience, dedication and concentration uncommon in today’s fast-paced world for one to endure half an hour of one man droning about shock absorber prices and revealing that the difference between a Runx and an Allex lies in the door handles and side mirrors only. This same impatient lot wants to see nothing but Car Clinic, conveniently forgetting that Car Clinic didn’t exist in this format until I came along. Need I remind you of the fellow who trivialised my travels recently? They should have open minds as far as new concepts are concerned.

ii) The naysayers, aka “The Haters”:  This is a common demographic in these difficult times when we live in a world of 7.4 billion attention-seekers with only so much attention to go around. The result is that any step forward is met with derision of the kind that quickly saps your energy and drains your willpower. And it is one thing to be told to “Ignore the negative energy”, but it is quite another when this negative energy is fiercely vocal and an active impediment to actual progress. I have been denied a drive in an interesting car more than once before on the grounds that I cannot operate a vehicle with a manual transmission, conveniently ignoring the fact that all the vehicles I’ve owned had nothing but. How about, “Don’t give Baraza a car, he will trash it in the paper”? I get a lot of that too.

This is the kind of response I have received 80 per cent of the time I have fronted the idea of a TV show to people: “You are trying too hard to be Jeremy Clarkson”, or variations thereof. Just to be clear, I am not. For one, nobody will pay me the kind of money that man makes.

iii) Those who have no interest at all in such a thing, which is both understandable and excusable. Sadly, the vast majority of TV viewership does not comprise petrolheads, which makes the existence of a car-based TV show a very difficult one to justify in terms of raw numbers once the bean-counters roll up their sleeves every financial year. The few who have an interest fall into either of the two preceding groups.

That said, I haven’t completely thrown in the towel. Keep an eye peeled, you never know...

3    A rusty Landcruiser is not a common sight unless the vehicle was sourced from the UK. If it was a Land Rover, we would have quietly agreed, endured a moment of awkward silence before moving on to another topic.  Anyway, rust-proofing the undercarriage will depend solely on how extensive the ferrous damage is. If it is superficial, then sure, go ahead and coat the gunk. If it has eaten into the frame to substantial levels, then I would advise you to ditch the car, you’re operating a rusty time bomb. Depending on where the rust is, the axles might fall off, or the car’s spine might break into two, leaving only the rather flimsy body to hold the front and back ends together. You won’t go far this way. The best thing is to get an expert workshop to consult with in the way forward. And if they choose to write off the car, please  break it into pieces and sell the parts to recover as much money as you can; don’t sell it as it is.

4 Fear not, you don’t sound like a braggart. Woe is the person who cannot openly declare the vehicle they have bought, for they bought the wrong car.

This is the first time I’m hearing of a sprint booster, at least as far as the name goes. I did know that the aftermarket could fiddle with electronic throttles – and in some cars, engaging “sport” or “race” mode would sharpen the response too, I just didn’t know what to call it.

In my opinion, a simple remap of the fly-by-wire throttle would yield better response by simply adjusting the voltage values in the ECU program tables, probably by lowering the threshold voltage at which the throttle is engaged. Instead, as you said (and as my research revealed), the sprint booster— aka wind booster, pedal box iDrive, pivot controller, throttle remapper (hey ho!) or plug-and-go module — works by amplifying the output signal from the accelerator pedal to make the ECU think you are stomping the accelerator harder than you actually are.

So, with the amplified signal, that means at part throttle, say 60 per cent pedal travel, the modified output signal will indicate 100 per cent  and you will launch the car, probably smoking the tyres in the process. That brings us to our first downside of the sprint booster: part of the pedal travel has been rendered redundant. Since at 60 per cent pedal travel the output signal says 100 per cent, pushing the pedal beyond 60 per cent yields nothing. This makes throttle modulation difficult and every time you take off from a dead stop you will be launching your car, drag-race-style. Think of it as driving a Stage 3-modified car with a competition clutch: jerky, panicky, fidgety, no finesse whatsoever, a high wear rate of parts such as tyres and brakes and a nagging thought at the back of your mind that you might no longer be fully in control of your car.

The second downside: fuel economy. Since the throttle signal has been adjusted upwards, even the most light-footed throttle application is interpreted as a full-bore standing start, and fuel will be burnt accordingly. Like I said: you cannot modulate the throttle as well as you could before, so you cannot hypermile at all.

The biggest let-down of all: you might have fallen victim to the wily charms from a merchant of snake oil. This is how the sprint booster actually works: it does not eliminate lag, it just makes you think that lag is eliminated by launching your car harder than you are used to. The effect is purely psychological, like most snake oil recipes are, while the benefits are counterproductive in the long term. The only advantage I can think of is that the sprint booster is saving you leg effort: you don’t need to floor your accelerator pedal to get things moving briskly.

Hello,

I am a faithful follower of your column and thank you for keeping us up-to date with the motor world.

I have a suggestion: Some of us love cars, and love bikes even more, superbikes included. How about reviewing bikes too, given that biking is gradually gaining popularity locally? We would feel appreciated as bikers.

 

Hello,

While I am not against bikers as a posse, I am against biking as a pastime, particularly the motorised kind. I see them... I run. I’m not particularly fond of tools where you are your own safety equipment and the only buffer in an accident is your face. Plus when it rains, it gets really uncomfortable. And how would I carry my little family along with me on Sunday afternoon drives? Do we take turns shuttling back and forth like the riddle of the goat (me), the leopard (her) and the bundle of hay (the little one)?

That aside, I recently told a reader  where he can find unedited and previously unpublished works from my desk (www.motoringpressagency.com) and  also said I have a staff writer. He likes bikes and he is called Mike. He reviews them expertly with just the right balance of humor and depth, which makes me both proud and sad: proud that I know such a refined and intelligent gentleman, and sad that given his penchant for bipedal travel, he might not be around  long for this world (knock on wood). Check out his work at the link provided.

 

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