I have known him for only two months, should I move in with him?

Pastor Kitoto,

I need your advice. I recently met this man who is eight years older that I. We have been together for two months now and I like him. He is proposing marriage but I am unsure for what answer to give.

He recently divorced his wife and I too recently parted ways with my husband. I feel guilty at the thought of moving in with him due to what society will say. Is two months of knowing someone too soon to move in together?

There is also the fact that he doesn’t call me, he only texts me occasionally.

Hello there,

There is very little reference to your previous marriages in your email. No one on their wedding day envisions that there will come a time when their relationship will crumble and come to an end. I am therefore sorry for what happened to your marriage. Some marriages wind up in divorce after so much pain, pain that wasn’t addressed. Since you have not put to light what led to your separation, it would be hard for me to give an objective view on where both of you might have gone wrong.

Generally, marriage can cause us seasons of disappointment as well as those of joy. Nobody ever said that marriage is easy. From my experience and from the experience of many couples that I have counselled, a fulfilling marriage is built on trust and faith. It also requires love, commitment, patience, mutual submission, endurance and self-control among many other factors. Where we fail, we must be willing to rebuke each other, forgive, and subsequently heal the relationship. Many desire a great marriage but do little to make it happen.  

When things go wrong, some deal with it by walking away from their problems, others sit on them, ignoring them, unaware that they are sitting on a time bomb. The clever ones confront them. Disappointment is not new in relationships, I would therefore advise that you consider what caused the breakup of your first marriage before you commit to a second one. You need to be wiser if you are to start anew and succeed second time round.

LOTS OF BAGGAGE

Identifying the reasons that led to your separation in the first place is key to making future relationships work. Some problems can become cyclic in your relationships because you were not keen to identify and deal with them when they first emerged. Common problems that plague relationships include identity issues, role performance and a lack of vision.

In your case, pinpointing where you went wrong will enable you answer the question on whether two months is enough to learn from the mistakes you made in your first marriage and ensure that you know this man well. This said then, have you dealt with and made peace with your past?

Separation or divorce comes with lots of baggage, pain, rage, and bitterness depending on what led to it. We may think we have dealt with the pain, only for it to pop up when we least expect, when we thought we had dealt with it.

Since I am not sure where you and your boyfriend are coming from, I propose that you take time and ask yourself what you are really looking for and why. You might be carrying a lot of baggage that may need healing and reflective thought, after all, the two of you recently parted ways with your spouses. Focus on yourself first before jumping into another marriage.

Moving in with someone you have known for only two months and who just divorced his wife is foolhardy, you will soon find yourself in trouble. Maybe it is the hurt and loneliness that is looking for a quick cure, but it does not work this way.

Also, while contemplating  this, do not be worried about what society will say and think, this is your life, and what matters is you, not them.

However, do not ignore the doubts you are having; they are a sign that you need to be sure that you are making the right decision. What you need above all else is healing. Healing and a sober mind to help you do what is right for you.

To move forward with boldness: First, ensure you are better prepared for what lies ahead. Don’t be the type that resolves their problems from the same platform. It is true that if we keep doing things the same way, we will keep getting the same results.

How did the matters that led to the breakdown of your marriage impact you physically, emotionally, and psychologically? I propose that you look into them and ask yourself two questions:

1: What has changed in my relationship? For example, do I feel I am ready for this new arrangement?

2: What complications are bound to arise with this intended remarriage and will I be ready to handle them?