I’m haunted by my ex girlfriend

Hi,

I met a girl in college and fell in love with her on the spot. I pursued her for almost two years, after which she gave me a chance.

It was great; we had fun, and even sex. Every time we are apart we break up, then when we meet, we get back together. This has happened four times now.

By being apart I mean during school holidays and finally getting a job upcountry, which caused the latest break-up. I have a new girlfriend, but I’m always thinking about my ex. Sometimes I think the mistake I made was to love her so much. How do I forget her? 

Jean

Hi,

Fantasy is one thing, finding true love is another. I hope you will move from fantasy to the real world of making lasting friendships that endure the challenges many face in relationships today. Your question reminds me of the many people I meet who confuse love with infatuation.

I think the real question here is not how you can forget her; you should ask yourself why you were drawn to her.

From what I can tell, one of the things that drew the two of you together is sex. But sex is not all it takes to make a relationship.

I suggest that you change your plan and love a girl for who she is. Build friendships that communicate lasting values, namely trust, respect and faithfulness.

LACKS GENUINE CORDS

The break-ups and silence that follow tell a lot about a relationship that lacks genuine cords of love to bind it together.

You might need to let go your former and current girlfriends and really re-organise yourself.

Define for yourself what you will be looking for in a woman and what you think she is looking for. Here are some self-evaluation questions anyone looking for love should ask him/herself:

1. What do you talk about most or preoccupies you most when you are together - just talking and having fun, or you can’t wait for the moment to get into bed together. If the latter is the case, your definition of a great friendship is flawed.

2. Are you focused only on her looks and body. What compliments do you give each other? Are they meant only to drive the sex agenda? If so, you are drawn to her for sex, not friendship

SHARING REAL FEELINGS

3. Do you just fantasise when together instead of sharing real feelings. People who value each other see more in each other than just physical attraction.

4. Does your interest in each other fade soon after having sex? Great relationships focus beyond sex. The values we see in each other should help us endure all seasons of life, including those when we are far apart.

5. I encourage you to find a woman to whom you can be both a friend and lover without tagging friendship purely to sex.