These dowry negotiations will be the death of me

I am in the process of dowry negotiations, something that is putting a big strain on our relationship. I suspect the difficulty emanates from the fact that we come from different ethnic backgrounds. This issue is affecting me psychologically. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • They have met to discuss the issue, and out of that meeting, my wife concluded that my parents are not serious about the negotiations. She has even threatened to cut links with my parents over this.
  • I suspect the difficulty emanates from the fact that we come from different ethnic backgrounds. This issue is affecting me psychologically.

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

I am 31,  my wife is 27. We have a two-year-old baby girl, and in December this year, we will be expecting our second child.

I am in the process of dowry negotiations, something that is putting a big strain on our relationship. Our parents just can’t seem to agree on what is sufficient to offer.

They have met to discuss the issue, and out of that meeting, my wife concluded that my parents are not serious about the negotiations. She has even threatened to cut links with my parents over this. I suspect the difficulty emanates from the fact that we come from different ethnic backgrounds. This issue is affecting me psychologically.

Please help me.

 

Hello there,

Congratulations for the two year old and the one on the way. The role of a parent is a fulfilling yet challenging one, and I pray that God will grant you enough grace to not only be a good father, but a great and understanding husband. Whatever challenges you might be going through right now, with a bit of wisdom, you will find a way to bring your family and that of your wife together.

From the little you have let on in your email, it appears that since you have not concluded on the issue of dowry, you wife may be going through moments of insecurity. Most women would want to see the issue of dowry and formalisation of their marriage dealt with early on in the relationship. This brings some level of stability in the way they associate with in-laws and the extended family.

Where things are at now, your wife may be expecting that you take change and move this process forward, instead of letting the pace to be determined by your parents.

As far as dowry is concerned, my take is that the man needs to take charge of the process. True, your parents should be involved, but you need to be in the driver’s seat, you need to be in control. If this is the case, I would encourage you to show her through action that you are committed to the process.

I really do not think this is something that ought to stress you. What you need to do now is sit down with your wife and have a heart-to-heart talk. Find out where her dissatisfaction is coming from and answer any questions she may have. Also seek her suggestions on how you can get the process moving.

She also needs reassurance, so explain to her what you are doing to ensure that this matter is successful, however, be careful not to make promises you cannot keep.

It is also important to note that most women worry about the future particularly where they are made to feel vulnerable. When the future is unclear, she will worry. Her current pregnancy could also have added moments of reflection to the whole situation. Pregnancy has been known to trigger varied emotions in women. Some of these include mood swings and depression. What she needs right now is reassurance and comfort that you both want the same thing.

*******

Keep writing...

We asked you to give us testimonies on the best advice you have received from this column. I chose a few emails that I received from you. I hope they will be an encouragement to all the readers of this column. In a nutshell, learning is a process.

There is no one person that can say that they have it all together. We all face challenges, painful times and even disappointment. During such moments, help sometimes comes from the strangest of places. Many of you have shared your pain and hurt with me where your relationships are concerned. Your boldness, even though it might have been borne of desperation, has not only helped you find help, but also been an example and a learning experience for many.