Can I leave this man after 34 years  of marriage?

Dear Dr. Kitoto,

I am 57 year old working woman, my husband who is 59, has just one year left to retirement. We have been married for the last 34 years. We have three grown up sons, my first born is 30 years old and the last born is 24.

My husband works for a leading bank in Kenya and in 2010, he requested a transfer to a county outside Nairobi. The following year we had a very colourful wedding to celebrate 30 years of marriage. I was very happy and felt that he loved me. 

About two years ago, I discovered he has a daughter with a young woman who almost same age as my first born, the baby was born five months after the wedding.

I had seen signs that he had changed. He suddenly started using perfume, lotions and necklaces. He even had his nails painted. My husband is the type of man whose arrival home before 11pm would be a cause for concern. Throughout our marriage he would come in drunk at 2am and wake up at 5am. He used to drink beer but has now graduated to spirits.

Without going into much detail, I also recently discovered he has sired yet another child with another woman in another county. He does not support me, but he supports the other two women.  When I complained, he started sending money to the boys but not to me.

I am very stressed, I keep asking myself, how can a man at his age start having babies with two different women, when I confront him, he just keeps quiet.  Now I am thinking of divorce but the problem is I still love him. 

Janet

Hi

I definitely empathise with you. In life, we have to come to the realisation that although we are not perfect, God and even life itself will require us to give an account for the choices we made. You should not allow yourself to be brought down by his poor choices.

Yes, indeed you are disappointed, hurt, grieving and asking questions. However, your husband is also a grown up who needs to learn to count his blessings.

He may give the children money, but money cannot buy love. Money cannot be a replacement of his failure to make wise choices.

I suggest that you remain strong, forgiving, and be a mother to your children. There is a history you have built together. I pray that you will make wise choices that will counter his poor choices.

Running away will not make him leave these girls.

As for now, if indeed those kids are his, he has a responsibility over them. I believe it is time the two of you to have a sober discussion on the future before you make a decision. Ask him the hard questions.

His perspective of why he did what he did may be quite different or even unacceptable. Let him look back and say: “How could I be so stupid.”

In your discussion, seek to give him the opportunity to explain himself. Don’t be led by pain and hurt. Allow healing to flow through you by dealing with the hurt that all these affairs have caused.

One thing I am still questioning is why he chose to give you your dream wedding in the midst of all this mess? Could this be something you can find out.

Ensure that your communication is seasoned with words of respect. Be the the kind of person you wish he was.