Do I leave him for good or remain a friend?

Please help me. Do I leave him for good or do I continue being his friend so that I can help him solve his issues?

Monday January 11 2016

I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago after finding out he had a child with his ex-girlfriend. He said he was sorry for keeping this information from me, and begged me not to break up with him.  PHOTO | FILE

I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago after finding out he had a child with his ex-girlfriend. He said he was sorry for keeping this information from me, and begged me not to break up with him. PHOTO | FILE 

ByPHILIP KITOTO
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Hi,

I am 23. I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago after finding out he had a child with his ex-girlfriend. He said he was sorry for keeping this information from me, and begged me not to break up with him.

After putting myself in the other woman’s shoes, I thought it wise to let him go and take care of his child, even though he really loved me.  I also cut all communication with him. Was this a good decision?

Anyway, last month, he contacted me and asked me to forgive him, saying that he really missed me. When we were in a relationship, he shared all his secrets with me, and I am certain that he has never trusted anyone else like he did me. When he contacted me, he shared lots of issues with me, and I could tell that he was miserable.

Unfortunately, the mother of his child found out about it and was very abusive towards both of us. To avoid the drama, I told him that the best thing to do was to go our separate ways, only for him to tell me that he wanted to get back with me because he trusts me and has no one to share his pain with.

I hate to see him sad because I can see that the situation is taking a toll on his health.

Please help me. Do I leave him for good or do I continue being his friend so that I can help him solve his issues?

Concerned friend

 

Concerned friend,

As much as you seem to be a very caring person, you need to be careful, just in case this man ends up taking advantage of you.

The fact that your ex-boyfriend did not confide in you about his baby should raise a red flag. My concern is the way he feels he can just walk back into your life as though nothing serious happened. If, indeed, he was in the habit of sharing everything with you, why would he omit this important part of his life? I am afraid that his current behaviour could be just a ploy to manipulate and win you back.

Before you decide whether or not to walk away from him for good, you need to ask yourself certain questions: First, what does this relationship with him portend? Is he living with this other woman he has a child with? How has he sorted out this situation? Is he taking care of his child? Are you willing to be with him even though his child’s mother is against it?  Will your relationship with him be the start of a drama-filled relationship?  Can you truly trust him even after he withheld such important information from you? 

You need to understand that being with him means embracing his past baggage, which includes a child, as well as the child’s mother, who will forever be part of your life, directly or indirectly. At your age, you still have a great future ahead. I am not sure you are ready to settle down at 23.

Finally, be careful not to get caught up in the web of his problems. He probably needs to see a professional counsellor who can help him deal with whatever he is going through. The longer you keep allowing him into your life, the deeper your emotional attachment and investment in him will be. At this point, it might  be wise to point him to the professional help he needs.

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