Factors that can make a relationship fall apart

When you get to know what goes on behind most relationships, you realise that break-ups and divorces do not just happen. Yet when they happen, we tend to blame it on the other person or the unresolved problems, but rarely on whether the issues were handled or resolved in a healthy manner. In fact, many spouses lack proper conflict-management skills while others feel criticised or put down by their partners.

Failing to embrace  the negative

There is no relationship without issues. Believe it or not, even when your marriage has reached breaking point, you can embrace that as a strength. Instead of brooding over the issues and fostering a negative environment, recognise the problem at hand and take the appropriate steps to resolve it maturely. When we allow a negative environment to grow, we become detached emotionally and physically over time.

When interrogated, most intimate romantic relationships seem to begin on the right footing, with more positive, intriguing, and loving interactions and memories than painful ones. Depending on the way a couple identifies and handles issues, they can move towards healing, or hurt and pain that eventually destroys the relationship.

The reason our happiness depends so much on the quality of our relationships is because humans are highly social creatures. Allowing an environment of negativity to grow has a way of introducing anxiety into the relationship. The trouble begins when, although there might still be some good in the relationship, the baggage continues to take its toll on the couple.

With time, negativity leaves little room for positive interactions. Suspicion, frustration, intolerance and angry outbursts take centre stage. In some cases, total withdrawal becomes the solution. Transforming your negative patterns into positive ones that put the relationship on the road to recovery takes time and requires a lot of mental energy. We need to be alert to things that easily take us down the path of negative reactions.

Reckless use of language

Usually, we get attracted to people like us in terms of personality, values, and physical appearance. However, these are not the only features that make a relationship work. Compatibility seems easier among people who speak the same way. It is critical that you choose your words carefully in order to ensure the success of the relationship. When you choose your words and speak carefully, it helps stimulate your partner’s intellect, helps rekindle enthusiasm, generates insight on issues, and increases expectations in the relationship.

However, if you don’t choose your words carefully and speak recklessly, you poison the  relationship. Toxic communication entails using harsh words, blaming your spouse for almost everything that goes wrong, and engaging in witch hunting. A heart overflowing with toxic words can ruin any relationship. As Pearl Stachan said, “Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs.”

In contrast, positive communication is a powerful tool for affirmation, so we need to be more aware of the power of negative words and their potential to destroy.  When a husband and wife forget that they are a team and begin to compete, no one wins. Their words become poison, which  kills every good intention. Marriage is not about who wins; it is about pulling together and creating harmony.

Keeping secrets

Many people in relationships live a secretive life for two basic reasons: First, they believe that keeping secrets from their partner works to their advantage. Such people reason that it is better to keep secrets because telling the truth will create trouble. Somehow, the fear of a backlash stops us from being vulnerable. Second, they fear the unknown. Such people believe that the truth will be hard for their partner to handle. The fear that this will work against them and even end the relationship scares them to death.

How easily do you disclose information about you present and past life? While trust is an essential element in an intimate relationship, it can be  easily broken when you discover that your partner is withholding important information from you. Regardless of their reasons for doing so, it communicates betrayal. Instead, a healthy relationship embraces authenticity and vulnerability.

Authentic relationships show care and respect for the feelings of other people as they communicate honestly and with love. People who do not empathise with others’ weaknesses and failures create fear in a relationship. Empathy communicates a spirit of freedom, acceptance and inclusion.

Does your partner complain that there are areas in your life from which they feel shut out? Developing a relationship based on openness and acceptance is key. In such a relationship, agreement comes through developing an environment of full disclosure, where information is shared freely without fear of being judged.

Such an environment also promotes accountability and responsible behaviour. For example, neither partner should use disclosed information against the other. Consensus-building and finding common ground become the goal. 

Ignoring facts

In his book, Relational Intelligence, Steve Saccone says: “When we find the courage to look inside without allowing the filters of self-protection and self-preservation to blind us, it opens up a vista to personal growth that we never thought possible.” Relationships must involve some level of intelligence. Here we are talking about the need for each spouse to stop being ignorant of the status of the relationship both within and without themselves. First is to ask oneself: “What do I see and hear? … What is my partner communicating?”

Most of this might look like  common sense, but it means a lot to your partner. As Henry Ford said, “Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it.”

Second is to ask, “Which season is our marriage now going through?” Every season has different expectations and demands. It is likely that the differences between a couple heighten more during one season than another. So we should realise that the success of  a relationship  is based on the way we deal with our differences.

However, being careful to identify them before embracing them will help minimise the destructive tendencies that could follow. Take time to discover what your spouse is going through and how that might affect the relationship. Learning to ask the right kinds of questions is helpful.

Making assumptions

Acknowledging that your partner has feelings, ideas, and perspectives on life is important for any relationship. Assumptions can destroy relationships. An assumption is part of the thought process where one believes to be right, even when such a thought might not be supported by reality. Still, the person assumes that the thought is true and bases their arguments on it.

With time, assumptions sabotage our happiness and chip away at our connection with our partner. They make us live in a world of our own, where our view of others is flawed. This can lead such a person to stubbornly cling to their perspective while assuming that their partner has nothing new or important to say.

Assumptions make us forget that we are not saints, the only ones who  are always right, and that it is our partner one who needs to change;  we too make mistakes. To destroy this particular pattern of thought, first, learn to listen without pre-judging. Second, don’t be quick to offer solutions. Be quick listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Third, seek clarification;  seeking clarification is not a weakness.

During counselling sessions, many couples say that their relationship problems didn’t surface suddenly but are the result of hidden resentment that has been festering for years. Assuming that everything is fine, or having a little talk here and there where we bulldoze our way on issues only hurt the relationship. 

There are also assumptions we make, whose validity we cannot prove.  A spouse might just assume that, because her husband works in an office with many women, he must be flirting or going out with them. Really! Why not just ask him? Personal insecurities make it hard for open and free disclosure to happen. As a result assumptions, lies and half-truths infest a relationship, making it toxic.

Failing to deal with contentious issues

The things that happen in life can make us angry, bitter and disappointed. But it is the way we react that matters. The differences in our upbringing, past associations, and exposure can affect the way we process anger. Lack of wisdom in handling issues that provoke us to anger can lead to frustration and conflict in a relationship.

If not handled well, anger and bitterness deny the relationship joy, take us down the path of blame and revenge instead of positively dealing with the issues, lead us on a path where we personalise issues by shifting  focus from the problem to the person; kill our desire to build a team and instead breed jealousy and competition.

Embracing conflict-management skills is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. The gains we make when we restore fellowship should make us seek to resolve issues instead of running away.