I only want to love him, not break his marriage

What you need to know:

  • I do not support the fact that you are with someone else’s husband.
  • From a Christian perspective, you are in an adulterous relationship.

Dear sir

I am a frequent reader of your responses to relationship issues in the Daily Nation.

I am a woman aged 40, and I have been in a relationship with a married man for 14 years. We’ve had a good relationship, but of course with ordinary problems here and there. For example, we had to end our relationship one time when the wife came to know about us and threatened to leave him.

My aim has never been to break his family, but we love each other. When we parted ways, it was very painful, but I learnt to bear with it.
I had a son when we met, and he didn’t hesitate to be supportive. Even when we were not together, he still supported him.

After three years, he came back to me and after sometime, we got back together. He has been very nice, only that of late, for about five months now, he has changed and we rarely see each other.

I know he has a very challenging job, which he says its consuming all his time. The wife works in a different town. What do I do? Be patient with him? For how long? Or is he no longer interested in me?

Please advise, for I don’t want to be stressed due to my health condition.

Jane

Hi
From the onset, it looks like you don’t see yourself as a second wife. He too does not see you that way. I guess that is why he had to go back to the wife when it was discovered that the two of you were seeing each other.

I do not support the fact that you are with someone else’s husband. Besides the potential to break the marriage, which you have stated is not your intention, the relationship still affects accountability of the man to his wife. I can only but imagine what the other woman would feel like if she discovered that the two of you were back together.

From a Christian perspective, you are in an adulterous relationship. If he had married you customarily, then it would be a different case altogether.

So, the issue of faith and values will play a part in helping you decide where you fall. Since this man has taken responsibility over your child, it is something you can be grateful for, but not to let him use it to get emotional and intimate with you.

And why is he quiet? I don’t know. Maybe it is one of those reflection moments. Could this be the right time to move on and let him sort himself out? I believe you have the key that will bring healing to yourself and the other woman who could end up with a broken heart.

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TO OUR READERS: Many counsellors now believe that the Kenyan family, the building block of our society and nation, is in a crisis. There is unhappiness and discord where there should be love and joy. We have put together a diverse team of experts, family and marriage counsellors, led by Mr Philip Kitoto, to help heal the family by offering advice and support. Readers’ questions will be answered on these pages and online at www.nation.co.ke. Send your questions to [email protected], or to The Editor, DN2, P O Box 49010, GPO 00100, Nairobi.