Six ways of avoiding turbulence to keep your relationship boat afloat

Being best of friends brings another level of relating that has no inhibitions. It creates increased understanding and intimacy. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • Overly competitive nature in a relationship oftentimes causes tension and results in two sets of parallel goals.
  • Selfishness can at times be subtle, but still cause serious damage.

Here is my prescription for this week on how to avoid the turbulence that is so common in relationships:

1. COMPLIMENT INSTEAD OF COMPETING: Sadly in relationships, some partners are “competition freaks”. They have to be first in everything. They want to be the best or win at everything they do.

Overly competitive nature in a relationship oftentimes causes tension and results in two sets of parallel goals. “Love and competition are oil and water. They do not mix,” says Dr Phil, a relational expert. So, instead of competing, celebrate accompaniments together.

2. CHOOSE LISTENING BEFORE RESPONDING: In marriage, we don’t give orders to each other. We dialogue. There are situations where we have a one-way communicator who talks but never listens and pays no attention to whether the listener has feelings or desires to express themselves. This is selfishness.

Place value in both how you communicate and listen to your partner. Sometimes affirmation and appreciation are shown in how we listen.

3. BE BEST OF FRIENDS INSTEAD OF JUST BEING MARRIED TO EACH OTHER: Working towards being best of friends in a relationship can be both rewarding and scary. You tell you friend everything, right? Of course, but why do spouses keep secrets from the very person they are supposed to be closest to?

Being best of friends brings another level of relating that has no inhibitions. It creates increased understanding and intimacy. However, this is exactly what we are afraid of — to be truly known emotionally, financially, of our weaknesses, and so on.

4. BE EMPATHETIC INSTEAD OF JUDGMENTAL: According to Mike Robbins, “When we’re sympathetic, we often pity someone else” while we “maintain our distance (physically, mentally, and emotionally) from their feelings or experience.”

However, where true empathy is shown, we may feel a sense that we don’t truly understand, relate to, or imagine the depth of another person’s emotional state or situation, but we make the choice to relate to their feelings without judging or seeking to give them answers on what they could have done differently.

This will mean that we make the choice to feel with a person through their pain, rather than pitying them. Your partner needs to see and know that you care, you are concerned, and you are involved in their world, mucky as it might be.

5. BE SELFLESS INSTEAD OF SELFISH: Selfishness can at times be subtle, but still cause serious damage. Those who have been bitten by it remain under its grip.

You’ve heard statements like, “Why did they lie? Why didn’t they care about my feelings? Why didn’t they help? Why weren’t they there for me? Why do they only respond when it is convenient for them? What did I do wrong? These are voices of pain and regret as people suffer the erosion and burning left behind in the mind of the victims.

Selfishness is like a cancer, and the root cause of many broken relationships. It gives more focus to “I” than “you” or “we”. It has its roots in insecurity; will always give conditions; will lead to more lies and manipulation; will block any effort to build trust. Its fruits are hurt and pain.

6. FAILURE TO PLAN IS PLANNING TO FAIL: How can two walk together unless they are agreed. Agreement is key to any thriving relationship. Every marriage or relationship must agree on several fundamental issues if they are going to be pulling in the same direction.

First is the agreement in vision and values that will run the relationship. A relationship without a vision will have no clear direction. Worse still, is one without values — the pillars that should keep the relationship on the right path. Values give shape and stature to a relationship.

For example, “In this marriage, we respect each other; we affirm each other; we protect each over; we talk to each other, not at each other”, and so on.

Values keep us committed to what gives marriage the stamina to work. Second is the agreement on goals of the relationship — short-term and long-term. It is important to keep asking each other, “Where is this marriage headed and how shall we get there?”

If we can plan for studies, business and career, why not for marriage, seeing that it is the place where two previously independent adults meet and have a long-term desire to become one flesh?

**

TO OUR READERS: Many counsellors now believe that the Kenyan family, the building block of our society and nation, is in a crisis. There is unhappiness and discord where there should be love and joy. We have put together a diverse team of experts, family and marriage counsellors, led by Mr Philip Kitoto, to help heal the family by offering advice and support. Readers’ questions will be answered on these pages and online at www.nation.co.ke. Send your questions to [email protected], or to The Editor, DN2, P O Box 49010, GPO 00100, Nairobi.