Tired of my drunk and quarrelsome husband

Hi Kitoto

I am a married woman aged 30, with two children. I have a marital problem for which I seek your advice.

I have been married for seven years, but I feel like I am dying inside. My husband is a DDO (daily drinking officer). He is in self-employed and he comes home past midnight almost every day. As soon as I open the door for him, he starts making noise over nothing.

I have never asked him where he comes from at those odd hours, but still, he won’t let me have peace.

He knows I’m a fearful person, and so he does anything to scare me. He wakes up the children, breaks utensils, and bangs the doors. I mean, he does anything to get me scared.

He manages a bar, and therefore when I ask him why he drinks everyday, he argues it is because of his job.

Mr Kitoto, I am tired of this because I was brought up in a Christian family and my father never drank alcohol. He was also a very present father.

In my marriage, we hardly discuss issues because he is never at home, and when he is, he is drunk and difficult to communicate with.

I don’t see this as a marriage. He is very good in providing, but I bet there is no more love. He is always in the bar, having a good time with girls. When I politely ask him, he says those are his bar maids. He even takes those bar maids out.

I have been feeling very lonely for the last four years. This is the only man I have known sexually since my teenage years. He says that he loves me, but his actions speak otherwise. People pity me because I am very beautiful.

I have never caught him red-handed but I have seen love messages in his phone a number of times, including photos of him and a woman. When I ask, he says they were sent to him.

Do you think he is being unfaithful? I have lived my life trying to please him for the sake of our marriage, but I am now tired. l want to go back to work and rebuild my life without him. However, I am worried about the children.

Please advise as soon as possible because I am mentally exhausted and I have developed high blood pressure.

AAO

Hi

I really empathise with the way you have been treated. However, I like the fact that through it all, you have done several things the best way you know how.

The first is to affirm your beauty. It is not this man who makes you complete. You have to find fulfilment in who you are, appreciate your values and choices in life. This is where you get peace.

You know that you were raised well. You also know your current stand with your husband is not the product of your upbringing. It is okay to be polite and kind, but this should not be abused.

I also like the fact that you know you have done all a Christian wife should do. You have served him, respected him and been a good mother.

You have also confronted the issues you see going wrong. So long as this has been done in respect and due care, you should not blame yourself. The fact that you have also seen his good side in providing for the family should not blind you from critically dealing with the flaws in the relationship.

I suggest you acknowledge and move to deal with certain issues. First, meet a counsellor who can help you deal with your inner or emotional pain.

As a Christian wife, allow God to heal and affirm you. Through prayer, live a life of faith. Move from worrying too much to letting God reveal to you what to say and do. Your inner healing will bring perspective and new understanding that will be needed to help your man while remaining focused.

I also suggest that you reach out to any older couple or a friend he respects, and see if they can help bring the two of you at the discussion table. Sometimes it is how we ask about issues and not necessarily what we ask, that brings a deadlock.

Starting with affirmation, particularly for persons bordering on addiction behaviour, helps. You may need to move your relationship from being just a wife to being a close and intimate friend so that he can let you into his world.

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TO OUR READERS: Many counsellors now believe that the Kenyan family, the building block of our society and nation, is in a crisis. There is unhappiness and discord where there should be love and joy. We have put together a diverse team of experts, family and marriage counsellors, led by Mr Philip Kitoto, to help heal the family by offering advice and support. Readers’ questions will be answered on these pages and online at www.nation.co.ke. Send your questions to [email protected], or to The Editor, DN2, P O Box 49010, GPO 00100, Nairobi.