My husband lacks ambition and is happy living off me

Dear Kitoto,

I turned 34 in May while my husband turns 31 in October. We started living together in August 2012, and our son was born two months later.

When I met my husband a year earlier, he did not have a stable job. At that time we had issues about him not having money, but his excuse was that he did not have a job.  I encouraged him and prayed, believing that he would work hard to get a job.

After the baby came, we got along fine, with me providing almost everything, while at the same time helping him look for a job. But I realised that he was interested in an office job and not a manual one. Consequently, I gave him some contacts and suggestions regarding where to look for work. However, he did not show much interest.

After some time, he got a job with a cousin of mine and was able to help a little with the bills. When business was low, my cousin left him the job. He complained all the time and was unable to expand on his own. It has been about six months since and he has no money, leaving me to pay all the bills.

I wake up very early to go to work since I live far from the office and leave him at home. He wakes up, has lunch and goes out until evening.

I have scolded him and even sent someone to talk to him about his failure to provide for us. He agrees that it is not right, but insists he is doing his best.  However, I believe he is comfortable since I can provide. We have had issues but our parents and friends always step in to help.
It has come to a point where I feel betrayed. I am angry because:

1. I agreed to live near his previous workplace and pay the rent even though I have to commute a long distance to work (even when our son was small).
2. He is not ambitious and is not keen on looking for work to enable him to support us.
3. He claims that my interests lie elsewhere.

I used to complain about the unfairness of the situation but I no longer even mention it. I feel like I am about to go crazy because I have asked him to leave, in vain.

We have not had sex for the last five months and I cannot stand him touching me. Right now I just want him to leave us and struggle on his own. Then when he can provide for us (I’ve even told him we can live in a slum if that’s all he can afford), he will look for us.

Am I missing something or have I reached my wit’s end? Granted, he is loving, but love will not educate my child. Is it wise to ask him to go to Dubai since there are job opportunities there?

Please help.

Hi,
Anyone reading your email can sense the frustration, disappointment and some level of resignation. I must commend you for how far you have come, providing for the family. It is certainly not fair for him to be doing nothing about his situation.

The feelings you have are not necessarily selfish. You are, indeed, going through a tough emotional time, which requires you to watch your emotional outbursts and the way you handle your most trying moments.

You have borne the responsibilities of this marriage for a long time and the pressure to ensure it works has taken its toll on you. I would suggest that you sit with a counsellor to enable you to vent your frustrations. This will help alleviate the stress you have bottled up inside for a long time.

Second, it might be good for both of you to see a counsellor and thus create an opportunity for him to express his frustrations about not getting a job. But he should realise that he cannot be choosy regarding the job he wants. Marriage is a journey through life’s experiences together.

Third, establish ways in which your marriage can heal. Your man needs some tough but honest talk from a person whose advice he can heed.

You can do this by acknowledging that we are living in hard economic times, and that you are better off together than apart. Praising any progress you have made together, no matter how little, could provide the much-needed positivity in your relationship.

This will also help you work together during the most trying times. This means avoiding focusing on what is not going right.