He cheated on me after just two weeks together

Dear Kitoto

Thank you for the good job that you are doing. I am 28 years old and the second born in a family of three. I’m a prayerful Christian and I believe in God. Early this month, I met this handsome charming guy who also lives in my neighbourhood.

He had been pursuing me since February but l harboured no feelings for him. I had made a promise to wait for the Lord to bless me with Mr Right after my boyfriend of five years left me heartbroken. I broke up with my ex in early 2013 and have been single since.

When I moved in, I heard about this guy’s reputation, how he was a womaniser who brings different women in his house and so on. I had been prayerful throughout this time asking God to bless me with a life partner before end of September.

After few dates with him, I developed feelings for him and I could feel the chemistry between us. He even confided in me that he was heartbroken over his last girlfriend because she cheated on him. He told me they broke up late last year and I believed him.

I decided to give it a try and take a risk even after all the stories I had heard about him. I thought my prayers had been answered and God had decided to bless me with my future husband.

For those two weeks we were together we had sex and I felt guilty about it. He cheated on me with another woman who stayed with him for few days then left. After she left we talked over the issue, he asked for forgiveness and reconciliation which I agreed to because I had become attached to him, I love him so much and he has promised to change.

I don’t know what direction to take due to the promises he has been making and the pressure from my family members and friends. I can’t control my feelings towards him. I need some assurance from him that he really loves me and that he is not after sex.

I’m so confused I don’t know what direction to take. How do I know that he loves me?

Wairimu.

Hi

Listening to your confession of faith and the values you say you hold, I can say that there is need for you to align your values to your daily walk and interactions with people. Your Christian faith requires you not only to pray but practise what you know to be true.

So, what I believe will make a difference is for you to rediscover your values and ask yourself whether this man shares the same values with you. Remember, two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement. This agreement must be on several levels: emotional, physical, and spiritual.

For example, under what agreement did you decide to have sex, knowing that this is one of the most intimate association in any relationship. You see, for a values based person, every action must be influenced by what you believe.

The other area of concern is the whole issue of the testimony other had on the person you are relating with. It is said, actions speak louder than words. As I say this, I am not sure whether it is the second boyfriend or first that the neighbourhood had a bad reputation of. I am afraid that with time, if you are con careful, the person we relate with comes along with all their history of the good and bad they did.

They come with their failures and weaknesses. So, the issue here is whether you think, from the assessment you have done, that this boyfriend of yours fits the bill. Please don’t confuse the feelings you have for him with love.

True love is responsible love. Then why are relationships so difficult? Relationships are very complex and we are never taught how to be successful. A person cannot tell you that they love you and at the same time be irresponsible in the way they live their life or even relate with you.

We love when we take responsibility for our actions or lack of action. Both of you need to be 100 per cent responsible for our current reality including your sexual life. When put ourselves in the driver’s seat of our life and take total responsibility, it helps us deal with relational fears. Taking responsibility helps us avoid blame, shame, justifying or rationalising.

True love is sacrificial love. As a Christian you need to know that, Christ’s love for us went beyond the love we have for material things. His love is was a giving love, it was a sacrificial and selfless love. This is the kind of love that is unconditional — willing to lay down their ambitions for the sake of others. Unconditional love that is always giving instead of seeking to take advantage.

It devotes total commitment to seek your highest good no matter the cost. This form of love is totally selfless and does not change whether the love given is returned or not. In addition, true love commits and is dependable, it honours and endures. If indeed this man loves you, his love will be seen in these attributes.