He’s got another woman and child, yet we’re still married

However, my church says that even if you resort to divorce you must not remarry, which I find difficult and am afraid of being single and alone. He is the one who ruined our marriage, so why should I suffer all my life, yet he has another woman and child. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • I went there unexpectedly and found another child; I also found my husband with another woman.
  • I asked her whether she knew that the man she was with was married with three children. After keeping quiet for a while, she eventually told me that the child was my husband’s.
  • I left and have not talked to either of them since but I am wondering what I should do. Some people are telling me that I should evict that woman because she is living with my husband.

Dear Mr Kitoto,


I got married in church when I was just 22. I grew up in a very stable home, with married parents. Shortly after I got married, my husband started drinking heavily.

Actually, I had seen the signs earlier because I would visit him and find he had blacked out. I would tell his friends to tell him to stop but went on to marry him, naively thinking I could change him.

During the first years of marriage he never spent time at home and, not surprisingly, landed into financial problems because he lost his job since he couldn’t get up in the morning to go to work. Eventually, he could not pay the rent, so the auctioneers would come for my things since I was the one buying the furniture.

One day the landlord came to evict us, so I decided to just pack my bags and go back to my parents with our three children. I lived with my parents for more than 10 years.

We got on fine with my parents but he did not bother to bring any money for the children’s upkeep. This strained my parents resources since I didn’t have a job.

Earlier on, we would try to buy a house and I would put all my savings into the project, only for him to withdraw the money and use it for something else.

When I went to give birth to our last born, he conned my employer into giving him money, claiming I had undergone an operation; I realised this only much later.

Since he was neglectful, I was forced to file a case for the children’s upkeep in court and he was jailed briefly.

He came out but became hostile, vengeful and still neglectful, although he was ordered by the court to send school fees, which he would, but only occasionally.

I remember when he was in jail one of the warders asked him whether he had remarried, which I think gave him ideas.

Anyway I plodded on with the children, I built us a home and took them through school. We shared all we had and became very close.

About a year ago, I went to ask him to take our last born to school. He had gone to set up a home in an area I did not find conducive to bringing up a family.

I went there unexpectedly and found another child; I also found my husband with another woman.

I asked her whether she knew that the man she was with was married with three children. After keeping quiet for a while, she eventually told me that the child was my husband’s.

I left and have not talked to either of them since but I am wondering what I should do. Some people are telling me that I should evict that woman because she is living with my husband.

However, my church says that even if you resort to divorce you must not remarry, which I find difficult since I am naturally an affectionate person and am afraid of being single and alone.

Besides, he is the one who ruined our marriage, so why should I suffer all my life, yet he has another woman and child.

What should I do?

Hi,
It is unfortunate that you have had to go through such an experience despite your commitment to seeing your relationship work.

As I have stated in this column before, there are no guarantees in relationships.

The chances that we will hurt each other with our words, actions or intentions are always there.

As human beings, we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world.

If I may say so, you are not the only one to have been disappointed in this manner.

People rarely change, if at all, in marriage. If anything, marriage only helps give us a clearer picture of who people truly are.

From what you have said, I get the impression that you still have feelings for this man.

Before you decide about the future of your relationship, you should realise that your husband needs help to confront his drinking problem.

The solution to the challenges you face lies in your focus. Right now your focus should not be on how the two of you can get back together, but rather, on the search for a cure for his addiction.

The first step to this recovery, therefore, is for him to accept that he has a problem and needs help.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Secondly, he has to take responsibility for the journey to restoration. This will provide the guarantee that he desperately needs to overcoming this challenge.

Despite all your good intentions, you cannot change another person unless they are willing to make the necessary adjustments themselves.

The fact that you and your husband have been apart for a while resulted in the relationship that led to the child.

At a personal level, you must define clearly what you want and not allow peripheral issues to cloud your judgement.

Determine which is more important: his providing support for the children, or your desire to be reunited?

As for your being heartbroken by the news about the other woman and child, you have to ask yourself which is your greater dilemma: is it about your husband for neglecting the family and getting involved with another woman, or his drinking?

Keep in mind that it takes two people to make a relationship thrive. The two of you must be willing to endure the test of time to make things work.

If your husband is determined to be promiscuous and is not willing to leave the other woman, then it is up to you to decide whether you want to be part of such a relationship.

If your husband has not faithfully contributed to the upkeep and support of your children, then what is the probability of him behaving differently.

You must begin to reflect on where you see yourself and your family in the years ahead. If your faith means anything to you, seek guidance from it. Know that every path we take in life has implications and consequences.