He is not manly enough

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

Thank you for the sound advise that you provide on this column. I have been dating an amazing man for the past three years and we are making plans to settle down together.

My concern is that sometimes I feel like I have to push for things that I believe a man should be pushing for, or do things the man in the relationship should be doing.

In short sometimes I feel like I’m “the man” in the relationship. I’m unable to mention specifics but I believe a man should be the protector, defender and should always stand up for himself and his woman, I feel he has been unable to do this. While I have not shared this with him, I feel its something we need to address before we get married. If I continue to feel this way, I am afraid I will disrespect him along the way or even loose respect for him.

How do I bring this up positively? Kindly advise.

Francesca

Hi,

I guess what we should be asking is, “What constitutes a growing and mutually satisfying relationship?” When we enter a relationship, we both come with varying expectations based on what we perceive or have come to believe marriage or a relationship to be. Therefore, the feeling you have are not misplaced.

First of all, any two people who enter a relationship must create a picture of their desired future. Relationships thrive better where the two people involved have a clear picture of what they are looking for and expect from each other. As a result, the dreams or ideas we have in our hearts concerning our partner must be shared. It is said that, expectations, just like goals must be realistic and reachable.

Sometimes what we expect from others may not be realistic and hence ends up putting a strain on the relationship. The simple rule of the thumb is, “Never have expectations of your partner that you yourself can’t meet.”

Second, a growing relationship must create regular and honest disclosure moments. You and your partner make time to talk out your fears and concerns. There are real frustrations you are carrying that need to be shared. Disclosure has a way of opening a door to another persons point of view. I think it is time your boyfriend knew what you feel and think. This will require a non threatening environment where feeling are shared freely and openly.

Of importance also is the fact that, every couple needs to identify and make deliberate effort to learn from couples they admire. You need to make use of the available avenues of learning like interaction with others of like mind, or reading of materials that advance the ideals that will add value to your relationship.

I have found out that,  good reading material  will open the door to increased intimacy in the relationship. Such learning is more meaningful where a couple makes the choice to not only learn from each other, but also learn about each other.