He led me on then hurt me so badly, I feel like killing myself

Dear Kitoto,

I’m a reader of your column. I’m 24 years old.

I was in a relationship with this man for three years until November, when he broke up with me because his friend, who happened to be my colleague at work, told him I was not his type.

I loved this man, introduced him to my family and we even went to see his parents. I was so hurt by his action that I decided to forget about him.

The problem is that he keeps calling me; one minute he wants me back and the next minute he is sending photos of his new girlfriend.

This has hurt me emotionally to a point where I feel I hate relationships. Ever since, I cannot find it in my heart to forgive him.

Anytime another man approaches me, the pain comes back and I can’t give any other man a chance.

I’m so confused that I quit my job, relocated to a new place and burnt everything we bought together.

I feel like I’m losing my mind and every day the urge to take my life becomes stronger. I need a way to forget him or any advice how I can move on. Please help.

Carol

Hi,

What’s done has been done. There is no need crying over a man who seems bent on hurting you emotionally.

The reason he keeps sending those pictures to you is that you have allowed him to. This will do no good for you.

I suggest that you make a choice to move on. If, indeed, this man is interested and serious about marrying you, let it be on your terms.

At the moment, he is the one calling the shots.

Your mind and heart need to be set free to heal and love again. Not all men are the same but be careful about those preying on vulnerable souls like yours.

Healing after a break-up allows you to regain faith in people and relationships.

It also helps you see things clearly so that you know what made the relationship collapse. Focus and a sober mind will be necessary. Don’t let him hurt you a second time.

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Hallo,

I live in Mombasa.

There is a woman with whom I have a two-year-old son, although we’ve had a relationship for eight years.

It’s only last year that I got a good job and decided to settle down because of our son and the love I had for her.

But after three months, the woman, who had always wanted us to live together, told me she don’t feel me.

She walked out in my absences and is now living alone with our son. But I believe there’s someone else.

I have tried to move on and get her out of my mind in vain. She now comes to my place and we do all sorts of things but she doesn’t want to live with me. Can I work on it or go get a life?

Hi,

From the little you have shared, I can only advise that you get further help from a counsellor.

When each of you has received a hearing, proper advice will follow. However, since she has left and moved on to live alone, you might have no choice but to decide what to do.

If it is to review the status of the relationhip, she must be a willing partner.

However,, if she does not want to get back with you, you will have no choice but to move on with your own life. The ball is really in each of your courts.

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Dear Kitoto,

I have been married for the last three years. My husband has never been caring and has always placed his friends and family before me and our son.

Last weekend I told him I wanted a divorce and he begged me to stay, saying that he loved me but he didn’t know how to show it.

Do things like this happen? He suggested that we see a counsellor together. Please direct me to a counsellor before things get out of hand.

Eve

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Hi,

Thanks for writing in. Indeed, many men may find it difficult to show their wives love through actions.

This might be due to their background and how they were brought up. Some might never have seen their parents hug, kiss, or buy each other stuff.

It could also be that one spouse was raised in a dysfunctional family where there might have been abuse and neglect.

If this is the only thorny issue, I would encourage you not to panic. With help, such men can learn to express affection.

It will definitely be a good idea to go through a marriage training course.

This will help place some basic principles in your hands that will greatly improve the way you relate. I will send you information on a counsellor.

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Hi,

I’ve been in a relationship with a married man.

I was comfortable because some of his relatives and friends knew about it. Unfortunately, I got pregnant.

The contraceptive we used didn’t work. I wanted to abort but he and his friends advisded me not to and promised to be supportive.

I decided to keep the baby and I’m now eight months pregnant. His wife is aware. She learnt about it from my text messages to him. She was furious but got over it.

My worry is that this man and his friends no longer call me as frequently as they used to. He only sends me money when I ask for some and takes time to respond.

The fact is, I’ve never loved this innocent child I’m carrying. I hate it even more now that its dad is showing little concern.

My relatives know nothing about this pregnancy and I’m not ready to tell them because I’m still in college.

Due to the hatred and regret I feel for getting involved with a married, I want to give my baby up for adoption.

I’ve not identified anyone to adopt it but I pray someone will come to my rescue because, honestly, I will not treat it well. Please help.

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Hi,

I know you are in a very difficult situation to make you want to give away your own flesh and blood.

However, I thank you for saving the life of this innocent child. Abortion is a decision many come to but never consider the consequences.

Looking at the way you are feeling, I recommend you seek additional help from a counsellor for more emotional support.

In Kenya today, there are many organisations and support systems, which include linking you up with a great adoption agency or homes that can care for the child right after birth. In fact, many hospitals have this information.

You have come this far because of a desire to give this child an opportunity to live.

I suggest that you connect with a nearby county health facility and they will guide you on what you could do after you have the baby.

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Hi,

I’m a third year student in a local university.

I have been dating this girl for the last one-and-a-half months. My dreams were shattered when I realised that she was having an affair with one of my closest friend in campus whom I had introduced to her, and went so far as to kiss him in my presence, I felt betrayed, humiliated and frustrated.

I have tried to forgive them but I find it next to impossible. Should I trust any of them further?

I need your advice.

Maina,

Hi,
I know you are hurting deeply and it must be very hard for you after discovering that your friend has taken your girlfriend.

Try not to let it frustrate your efforts at living and doing what is right. The pain of betrayal by friends is quite great.

Since you are only in control of your own choices and not the other person’s, choose to be in control of your pain without giving in to revenge.

If you don’t, it can end up being more destructive. Let your girlfriend go because she made a choice, no matter how bad you might think it is.

I suggest that you seek help so that you do not bottle up emotions that need to be processed for your own healing.

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Hi,

I’m a woman aged 30 with a 10 year-old daughter.

I separated from her dad nine years ago and I am still single. Her father moved in with an older woman and now he wants us to get back together.

I’m in a dilemma because I still love the him and he claims to love me too. Will I be making a mistake by getting back with him or should I not give in again? Please help.

Hi,

They say once bitten twice shy and it is okay for you to feel that way.

However, a lot might have happened during the time you wereseparated. You need to explore and process what happened while he was away.

The feelings of love alone cannot correct the past. For example, what will it take for both of you?

Has he sorted out his past with integrity? He needs to show some responsibility for his past and commitment that is not based on convenience, least he drop you again.

Take time to understand the details of what is there.

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Hi,

I am 24. It has been challenging getting a woman for myself because I have been mostly rejected since I am not good at convincing anyone.

How do you do it.

I find myself very slow because I focus on my spirituality and my job. I don’t have a girlfriend and I am unfortunate.

Please assist. I don’t know much about on relationships.

Brian

Hi,
It is okay to feel the way you do.

At least this shows that you would want to date and even get married one day. Also, it shows that you have feelings for the opposite sex.

This is a great start. I suggest that you first establish for yourself what you want to see in a woman you want to engage for marriage. What qualities are you looking for?

Second, I suggest that you learn to be around people who value the same things as you.

Remember that bad company corrupts good morals. Be around people who will add value to your life. Learn to trust and believe in who God made you. This is what will make you confident before others.

Third, if in your social circles you meet someone you see fits the description of the kind of woman you would want in your life, ask her out for a cup of tea or a social get-together.

Just say, “Bye the way, a few friends and I are having coffee at …... Would you like to join us.” The worst thing that could happen is that she might say, No.

Group dates seem to work well because you are able to see people better in their true colours.

Later, when you have know each other, you can go on a date just the two of you See, it is not hard at all. All the best.

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MYTHS THAT KILL RELATIONSHIPS

Happy relationships are not like fruit that is picked from a tree. Relationships are born through carefully made choices.

Many who enter into relationships need to know what makes relationships work. For those seeking to enter into a relationship, here are some myths to avoid.

First Myth: My happiness depends on my partner, soI will be happy when I enter into a relationship.

Second Myth: I need not reveal everything because I will not be accepted for who I really am.

Third Myth: Values do not really matter in relationships; the greatest of all is a connection and strong feeling of love.

Fourth Myth: Why waste time remaining faithful when every partner in a relationship is a liar and a cheat.

Fifth Myth: I will marry because I have strong feelings for him/her.

Sixth Myth: I must get married because being single is a curse and makes me incomplete.

Seventh Myth: I am lonely and getting married will meet and satisfy my needs.

Eighth Myth: Because my partner loves and cares about me, she/he should know how I feel.

Ninth Myth: I should be sexually intimate in order to know how my partner performs before we get married.

Tenth Myth: I must have a child with him if I have to get him to marry me.