KITOTO: He sent my friend flirty texts but denied having an affair with her

Dear Kitoto,

Thank you for the good work you are doing.

I am 22 years old and have hopes of being successful and having a family of my own. I have been dating  this guy for a year now and everything was fine until he developed a friendship with a female friend of mine.

They used to chat a lot and he would send her suggestive texts messages asking her to visit him and play in his bed. I confronted him and he denied the whole thing.

We continued with our relationship but things were not the same.

Two days would pass without him contacting me, on the third day he would tell me he has been undergoing a lot of stress and that he did not want to involve me.

Bear in mind that we have gone through financial struggles together, any time I applied for a job I would  do the same for him because I wanted both of us to grow. We both got the same contract job and this helped us a great deal.

He is a student and though I would also like to go to school, I cannot afford the university fees. Lately, we have not been communicating and when I ask him what the matter is, he refuses to discuss it.

I had put a lot of trust and effort into my relationship with him, knowing we could build our future together but now I am confused, I don’t know if I should wait for him? He is in his last semester and does not live in Nairobi. Should I just leave him? I feel he is only with me because I have helped him with his financial problems.

I just want a fulfilling relationship with love, trust and honesty as cornerstones.

Troubled heart.

Hi,

I see a lack of maturity in how issues are resolved in both of you. When you expressed your concerns about the cheating, I am surprised that all he did was to deny and somehow everything went back to normal.

Maybe there was more to this discussion that made you feel comfortable to trust what he said. However, values are key in dating and relationships. Most couples have this assumption that things will change with time. But later, it turns out that, as the progress in the relationship without fully resolving the initial uncomfortable issues, the cheating partner gets better at the cheating.

The values you have stated of love, trust and honesty are great but will not materialise if we fail to practice them.

I have a feeling that you desire a marriage that the two of you are not committing to build.

I see a man who is decided to go quiet on you either because of issues in your relationship or as part of his exit plan.

Whichever the case, there is need for a higher level of disclosure and openness. If he is not willing to give this, I really do not see a future that will grant you the satisfaction you are looking forward to have.

Dr Gross, a human behaviour expert says that there are three basic components that every healthy relationship must have.

First is love — this kind of love includes a need to love your spouse and self. Before one enters into a relationship, they must first know learn who your partner is, acknowledge and recognise what they value or stand for, and consciously be aware of those they connect with that sets off their red flags. I would pray that this becomes the case with you.

When your red flags are raised, this should move you to action and keep you from compromising your values.

Second is communication — great communication is necessary and only occurs in an environment where we practice openness and show empathy to each other. Silence is not good for a relationship particularly where there issues are awaiting resolution.

Dr Gross states that, “A good dialogue allows you and your partner time to express your feelings and emotions … Healthy partnerships are open and honest.”

Third, is the need for balance — spending time alone is at times good but not when it leaves your spouse feeling abandoned or neglected.

Your man should not hide behind the mask of “I have issues to deal with” and not trust you to be part of that journey of recovery.

Healthy relationships evolve and change with time. Therefore, it is important to grow with one another, and to be aware of each other’s changes and challenges.

Our plans do not align, do we still have a future?

Hi Philip,

I am 32 years old and I have been in a relationship for just one month. I am hoping to get married within the next year. My girlfriend wants to pursue further studies and I encouraged her do so in Kenya.

She wants to study either in USA or in Canada. She says her sister who stays in Canada is going to be her sponsor and if she stays here this will not be possible.

When I said I can pay for her she explained that it is now too late as she has already applied and she is leaving next month to Canada She says I have to be patient and wait for her  when until she graduates in 2018 and then we can get married.

I gave her an option of coming back during holidays so we can start the planning our future but she told me that I have to pay for her ticket.

I asked her what would happen if she got a job there and she said that she will be coming and going or if I wish,   can follow her there. Should I end it or not?

Marcus

Hi,

Relationships must involve love, patience and sacrifice. As much as entering a relationship and thereafter the marriage is a great idea, priorities play an major part in the timing of such a relationship or marriage. It is therefore important to respect each others’ priorities if the relationship or marriage is going to enjoy the peace and bring the couple the satisfaction they are looking for.

A spouse’s peace and happiness in marriage is not solely dependent on the issue of marriage.

There are other equally important issues on the periphery that affect the performance of a relationship. For example, the health of one of both spouses, pursue of education and career, how relatives are treated, or the age of one or both spouses.

It is therefore necessary for you to have a candid discussion with your girlfriend on these issues. First, I really do not see anything here that would insinuate that she does not want to marry you. All she is asking for is time. Could this be the sacrifice you may need to pay if she really means that much to you?

Second, the kind of foundation you have built together will speak into the assurance you need to have, an assurance that says, “It is okay, she will return and all will be fine.”

However, I sense a level of desperateness from your part. Either you don’t believe her story or the foundation is too weak to guarantee a strong distance relationship.

There is need for you to manage with your fears.

My affair has me stuck between two women

Dear Kitoto,

I have been married for the last 15 years and blessed with five children. After finding a job in a different town, I got involved in an affair with another woman. She fell pregnant and gave birth to my child. When my wife found out about the affair, she confronted me and I admitted my mistake.

I asked her to give me time to end the affair. This is easier said than done because the other woman is now the mother of my daughter.

I would want to support my first family and even renew my vows in church. On the other hand I don’t know what to do with this new family. Please advise.

Concerned reader.

Hi,

I see the need for you to deal with three issues here. First, you need to come to terms that you betrayed your wife’s trust.

Turning away from an issue that has caused pain and hurt in the other person requires admission of the wrongdoing by you, the offender; forgiveness as given by your wife, the offended; and the taking of responsibility to remedy the situation. Your first call is to heal your marriage and win your family back.

Second, every action carries with it some measure of consequences. You have a marriage and a family you have built  that you need to save.

The fact that you have a child should be discussed at length with your wife so that you can both chart a way forward.

One thing that must be accepted by both of you is the fact that you are the biological father of this child. It is therefore important that you provide upkeep and other necessary provisions for the child. How this should be done without compromising your relationship again. Avoid using your new daughters a scapegoat to continue the affair.

Third, your wife has certain expectations of you now that disclosure has happened.

You gave her your word that you will disconnect from that affair. Are you going to be man of your word or are you going to be swayed by your own fears or selfish desires.

You have to take responsibility for your actions and decide what is right for the child while not compromising the future of a marriage you took 15 years to build.

***

How can one spot the early signs of sexual addiction?

Sex plays a major role in marriage. With time, sex has been wrongly used to benefit one and not necessarily both in the relationship. As a result, some partners are finding sex less meaningful due to the way their partners use it in the relationship.

While some people may be considered “sex addicts” others have actually developed irresponsible sexual behaviour and suffer from uncontrollable sexual impulses.

Many psychologists note that victims of childhood sexual abuse could repeat the abuse in an attempt to gain control over their childhood trauma.

In addition, such addictive behaviour could develop while a person is abusing stimulants, or as a sort of substitute addiction when the use of such drugs is stopped. We need therefore to know when such addiction is taking root. The following questions will help:

1. Do you find yourself losing of control as you engage in that sexual behaviour?

2. Has it become a compulsive behaviour?

3. Are you unable to stop the habit once you are in it?

4. Do you use too much of your time in the habit?

5. Are you overly preoccupied and obsessed by it? 

6. Are you unable to fulfill other obligations due to the behaviour?

7. Do you find yourself continuing in the habit despite consequences it causes?

8. Are you falling into the trap of making the behaviour more intense and frequent?

9. Is the behaviour causing you to loose your most important things in life?

10. Will stopping the behaviour cause considerable stress, anxiety and restless?