He wants me to be his second wife...

Pastor Kitoto,

Thank you for the advice you give. I am 38, and have been dating someone for a while now. Recently, my boyfriend confessed to me that he is actually married and that he has a three-year-old daughter.

When we met, I asked him whether he was married, but he told me he wasn’t. When I confronted him, he explained that he lied to me because he did not want to lose me. He also told me that he wanted to marry me and has told his wife and extended family.

Since then, I have met his daughter and she likes me a lot. I  love her like I would my own daughter. A number of times, I have wanted to leave him but he threatens to kill himself if I do.

I love him, so that is the last thing I would want. When all is said and done though, I don’t want to be a second wife.

Hello there,

Marriage should not be founded on lies and manipulation. The fact is that this man lied to you and took advantage of you. The fact that you accepted his reasons for lying to you in the first place makes it easy for him to have a hold on you. In addition, he not only lied to you, but was unfaithful to his wife.

It could also be that he is manipulating and threatening his wife too. Take this man for who he is – manipulative, dishonest, and unfaithful. If he can do this to you and his own wife, how many other women has he put through this charade?

You say you do not want to be a second wife; what are you doing with him then? What about his wife, do you think she deserves this kind of treatment from both of you? Put yourself in this woman’s shoes and try to imagine what she is feeling, knowing that her husband is cheating on her with another woman, who he is even contemplating marrying.

From your email, I read something in between the lines that says, “I don’t trust this man.” You need no telling that this man is not good for you. If you love his daughter like you say you do, I suggest that you walk away from this relationship because you might just end up messing her life.

Don’t get caught up in his web of unresolved issues. Don’t fall into a trap you will later regret. You have the power to live right and do what will be good for yourself and others. Don’t allow yourself to walk around with a tag that reads, “home breaker”. Remember that love is not just a feeling we have for someone. Love is kind and calls us to live responsibly.