Help! I am in love with two women

Hi Philip,

I am 23 and in a relationship with two women. They are both aware of each other’s existence and are not happy about the situation. To be sincere I don’t understand it myself. I  love both of them and would never imagined breaking up with either. I ended up with two girlfriends after breaking up with the first who ironically came back into my life when I met the second.

I want to settle down but I am confused and don’t know the direction to take. Whenever I try to end it with either of them, it ends up in tears, fights and arguments. 

One is a colleague and any time we disagree, we can hardly face each other in the office.

I am also tired of this life for it has now turned out source of my stress, balancing two girlfriends is hectic. Kindly advise me on how to solve this problem.

Cliff

Hi,

One way I will try to answer you question is by giving you a quick story. Davis who had gained admission to a nearby boarding school was assigned to a Form 1 class. He could not make up his mind which Form 1 stream he would attend. He jumped in and out of either class and soon it was half-term before he made up his mind.

Although he enjoyed both classes and access to two teachers and new experiences, he missed out on many other issues like consistency and forging of a great teacher student connection. He later discovered that the teachers were so good but very different from each other. Each had something unique to give and handled the subjects differently from each other. Sadly, Davis could only be in one class with one teacher at any given time.

In relationships, any of these two girls could be a great companion for you. There is no way your love and feelings can be equal to both. There is also no way the two will not look for ways to outdo the other. But you thought dealing with both equally could work but it has instead turned out to be a nightmare for you.

You have now discovered that trying to live like this is stressful. Your ability to forge a great and deep partnership with one of these ladies will depend on several factors: First, you need to make the choice to live a disciplined and focused life. Don’t be selfish. Learn to be content in the choice you will make. Second, you must be willing to make a decision you will defend. Find out which of these ladies fits your profile.

How much do you share in common? Look at your area of agreement — for example, in values, do you have agreement in communication, respect, disclosure. You will discover that, once you sort this out, you will deal with the seemingly lack of respect when you differ. Third, there is no perfect spouse or relationship.

Your willingness to give and take will help you treasure the woman you choose. What will matter now is whether you will give your all to making this decision. If none of these ladies fits your bill, then work on a separation without fights. The sooner you deal with this the better for you.