I’m a Protestant, he’s a Catholic, and his father insists he cannot marry outside the family faith

Muslim hajj pilgrims perform noon prayers outside the Namira mosque near Mount Arafat on October 14, 2013. Matters concerning religion should be handled early in a relationship, no matter how minor the issue(s) might appear. PHOTO | FAYEZ NURELDINE |

What you need to know:

  • However, learning what attracts people to one church and not to another can reveal a partner’s preferences regarding issues such as religion.
  • If you decide to respect his beliefs, it will help you appreciate the fact that our relationship with God plays an important part in leading us to our spiritual destiny.
  • If there were no such guidelines, then he is as much to blame as you are. But when it come to the baby, I would suggest that you ask him to sort out his mess with the mother of his child.

Dear Mr Kitoto,

I am 23 and will be graduating from college next year. I am in a relationship with a man who is 26 and working. We have been dating for two years and plan on settling down together. We love each other very much, but my parents are the problem; he is a Catholic while I am a protestant and they will not allow me to marry him. Meanwhile, I am not willing to convert. His mother has no problem with him becoming a protestant but his father insists that he remain a Catholic. My boyfriend has no problem with leaving the Catholic church since, for the time we have been dating, I have never seen him attend a Catholic church; he always goes to a Pentecostal church. We are not willing to give each other up but when we discuss the issue, we end up disagreeing because he cannot go against his father’s wish. I don’t know what to do any more. It’s now three months since we last talked about it. Please advise me on the best path to take,

Lisah

Hi,

Matters concerning religion should be handled early in the relationship, no matter how minor the issue(s) might appear. In a previous article in this column, I quoted psychologist Dr Joel Crohn, who says that if a couple are part of an interfaith relationship, they have an extra layer of diversity to deal with. Dealing with such issues helps develop a common understanding of marital issues.

The truth is that some churches might not be fundamentally different from others. However, learning what attracts people to one church and not to another can reveal a partner’s preferences regarding issues such as religion. When such issues are explored together, it helps harmonise the spiritual journey in the marriage. Dr Crohn asks some questions that help one navigate religious issues. Let’s look at some of them again:

First, what are the core differences between your religions?

What are the clear differences between your religious beliefs and his? How fundamental are these differences that he enjoys attending a Protestant church but refuses to make it his religion after marriage? Why do you find it hard to convert? Are both of you afraid that, if you convert, you will change your doctrines, and as a result, practices. These questions will guide your reason and help you determine what you can compromise. If the religious difference make you depart from what the Bible says, then you need to let him know the areas of dispute and what this means to the relationship.

If you find that your religious beliefs are fundamentally different, I suggest that, rather than argue, you come to terms with the fact without making compromises that will later affect the relationship. If you decide to respect his beliefs, it will help you appreciate the fact that our relationship with God plays an important part in leading us to our spiritual destiny.

Second, do you feel a push towards conversion?

Why would you convert for his sake? I would rather you both looked at the implications of the decisions you might want to make. If you do it for selfish gain, you will live to regret it. Religion and matters of faith are personal choices. If you do this in order to get him, then it is selfishness. Our religious convictions can be based either on what we saw our parents practice, or the result of a personal encounter with God. As a result, neither of you should impose their will on the other.

Finally, two people cannot walk together unless they agree on many areas, including spirituality, which helps define the values and principles that govern the faith and practice of marriage. Sharing and exploring such differences or similarities helps a couple make wise choices as to whether religion is key to how they will live after marriage. When a couple finds common ground on issues of spirituality, it creates a deeper bond. Maybe choosing a totally different church might work.

My girl’s mother is controlling her life

I am 27. My university girlfriend, whom I cherish very much, is 24. She got pregnant when we were in our third year. I decided to look for work during my attachment and got a job. I started sending her money every month to buy stuff for the baby. When she was eight months along, my older brother, his wife, my sister and I went to her place (with a bit of shopping) to let them know I was responsible. We were treated harshly by the relatives her mother (a single parent) had invited. They asked for money and waneted to know when we would return to marry their daughter, yet we had just gone to introduce ourselves and know her home, after which I would return to do the needful.

My girlfriend continued with her fourth year before she was due. I didn’t go back to class since I was transferred to a different town. I tried to transfer my classes there but failed because the course I was taking was not available. Consequently, I deferred my classes for an academic year.

When the baby was born, she had just finished the first semester of her fourth year. I later went back and completed university. Despite what she had put me through, I went to visit them, and not empty handed. Given that I work some distance from where she was, when the baby was three months old, I asked her to take the baby to my mums’ place, so that my mum could see him. She took some time before doing so.

Later, her mother started deciding for her when to take the baby to my place or my mums’ place. That was because my work was so demanding that I couldn’t go to her place often; I preferred sending her money for transport to come and visit me.

Whenever we talked of her coming to visit me, she would tell me her mum had refused or give me some other excuse. I asked her whether she would always seek permission from her mother before visiting me or doing anything, but she didn’t answer. She graduated last month.

Then at some point, she asked me to pay for a househelp because she was tired of baby sitting. I couldn’t pay a househelp — I am saving to go back to school in February — and told her as much. She called me a devil and since then, whenever I ask her how the baby is doing, she does not answer. Yet towards the end of every month, she asks me for money for their upkeep, which I gladly send without fail before the third of the following month.

I want someone to start a serious relationship with. What do I do? Should I move on and get another woman as I take care of my son or give her time? Maybe she will grow up and change. Kindly advise.
Oyugi

I am glad you made certain sacrifices for your girlfriend and baby. But it looks like your girlfriend does not appreciate this. Your relationship has an issue that you can tackle at two levels.

First is the need to determine where you want this relationship to go. It looks like you have given up on her. The question is whether she knows what you know. There is nothing wrong with ending this relationship, particularly if both of you find it unworkable. But then again, you might have great intentions that hit a brick wall because of her father’s stand.

The second issue has to do with your baby’s future. Can you decide this on your own? I believe what happens to the baby and how involved you get in his future will depend on what kind of association you will have with this woman. There is, therefore, a need to sort this past out carefully so that everything is clear concerning the relationship and the child. Only after you have tackled these issues will you be able to move on. Whether she will change is yours to find out. Talk to her and sort these things out. If she becomes hard to deal with, you can’t force her, so move on.

I can’t get used to the idea that he has a child

Hi,

I am 25 and just about to get married to my boyfriend of eight years. We’ve been dating on and off but we’ve managed to work things out. The problem is, I am not sure I can go through with it because he got a baby, who is now five months old, when we had separated. The baby’s mama abandoned the kid and married someone else.

I love him. Please help.

Hi,

I am glad you love him but your love must become intelligent, such that you can ask him anything you want to know. Disclosure will help settle your curiosity.

Personally, I am surprised at how quickly — depending on the separation period — he went out and got a baby. Was the separation meant to be for good but then things happened that somehow brought you back together, or was it for a defined period to enable each of you to work on issues that you would discuss thereafter?

Besides, did you have any rules governing the separation? For example, “Feel free to date if you find someone”, “We are still dating and it would be unfair for you to use this time to find someone else”, “We will get back together in three to six months and check things out, if the issues are resolved …”

Conditions or rules of some sort help create certainty. If there were no such guidelines, then he is as much to blame as you are. But when it come to the baby, I would suggest that you ask him to sort out his mess with the mother of his child.

Don’t get back with him unless the issues that led to the separation and the issue surrounding his relationship with this woman are all sorted out to your satisfaction. Be led by both your heart and reason. But you need the latter more.