How do I get my son back?

I love this girl and want her back in my life although I know I hurt her but I wonder, do I wait till she is fully over it or should I just move on? PHOTO/FILE

What you need to know:

  • I pray that you try and understand both perspectives thoroughly, particularly the consequences of either decision.
  • I believe the grandparents of your child mean well when they say they want to keep him. Maybe they fear for the future of the child and whether you will manage the duties that come with being a young parent.

Hello Kitoto,

Thank you for your educative column. I am a 23-year-old university student.

I had a relationship in high school in 2010 which lead to the birth of a child after I completed school (2011). Because I went to university, the child’s mother took care of him for a year.

Her family was experiencing some problems, so she went to live with her sister, who took advantage of her desperation and overworked her without payment. One night her sister kicked her she out after a fight and she and the baby spent the night at my parents’ home.

We agreed that she should leave our son with my mother since I was a student and she was looking for a job. While I contributed to my son’s upbringing, it was not enough since I was also financing my education through attachments and internships. Our son lived with my parents for one year.

Then recently, my son’s mother died in an accident. We attended her burial and, to my surprise, her parents wanted to keep the child, saying I had not paid bride price and that I should do so if I wanted the child.

They also want to keep him even if I pay the bride price, whereas I want to raise him since he is my son. We agreed to leave him for about a month after the burial.

He is now three years old. What should I do within the jurisdiction of the law to get my son back?

Fred

Hi,

I am sorry for the passing on of the mother of your child.

I know it is a double blow for you, losing your child’s mother and coping with her family’s demands to take care of the child. What you have to realise is the extent to which cultural beliefs go in determining how marriage and family issues are dealt with.

I pray that you try and understand both perspectives thoroughly, particularly the consequences of either decision.

I believe the grandparents of your child mean well when they say they want to keep him. Maybe they fear for the future of the child and whether you will manage the duties that come with being a young parent.

On whether you need to pay bride price or not, I believe it is something many cultures do but in your case, it will depend on the relationship you develop with her parents.

I believe you need to, first, be grateful for their help. Let them know you appreciate the support they have given you so far. Do not be confrontational.

Second, ask yourself whether you are really ready to be a day-to-day parent who will care for this child. If so, engage them in a healthy and focused debate on the need to live with your son.

Provide facts on how you intend to do this. Assure them that they will always remain his grandparents.

Third, if they are adamant about keeping the baby, I believe seeking legal recourse might be advisable, but this could take time.

Try and celebrate the fact that they do not deny the fact that you are the father of their grandson. Further, maybe in the long run they are the right people to care for your son during these formative years.

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I love and want her back in my life


Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column and I must admit that you are doing a great job.

I am 25 and have been in various relationships, the most recent of which ended before Valentine’s Day.

I was dating a 19-year-old girl fresh from high school. After she joined the university, we could not see each other as often as we used to. The first six months our relationships was smooth — full of love, joy, and expectations despite the distance.

Trouble started when I went for a dating TV show. I had told her that I wanted to see myself on TV, so I asked her if she had any problem with my participating in the show.

We agreed that anything I said during the show was just for the cameras. I went for the show, then later started chatting with the woman I met on it. I did not know that my girl had my Facebook password and so saw all my chats with the other woman. When I got to know this, I went and talked to her so that we could sort things out.

My ex-girl’s parents are the strict type who keep their daughters on a tight leash until marriage, so during weekends we rarely got a chance to talk. I had a friend from overseas whom I used to chat with, then one weekend she suggested that we flirt. My girl saw the messages but did not confront me about them either.

But I noticed that she had changed, for instance, she communicated less with me and stopped calling me the sweet names she used to call me.

I am the kind of person who goes clubbing almost every weekend and she was okay with it, although we rarely went out together.

There is a friend of mine whom I used to go out clubbing with and one time we found ourselves in a compromising situation after having too much to drink and made out (I did not sleep with her).

My girl again saw these chats but said nothing to me about them. I did not know whether she knew all this until I pushed her to tell me why she was not communicating anymore.

Instead of asking me why I had behaved the way I had, she just broke up with me a week to Valentine’s Day.

She kept all this to herself for almost three months instead of confronting me. I would say she pushed me to do all this; we rarely had quality time together, which is something I longed for.

For the nine months we dated, I never had sex with her. We only used to make out and whenever I tried to go further she would say she was not ready. I did not want to push her into having sex because I respected her.

I never cheated on her despite that kissing incident. I have cut all contact with these women who made me lose the girl I loved so dearly. I promised to change to be a better man but she does not want anything to do with me.

It has been two months now and I cannot deny that I am finding it very difficult to let go of her.

We do communicate and at some point I went silent for a week and she told me she has a hard time when I do not communicate with her although she rarely makes any effort to call or even text me.

I love this girl and want her back in my life although I know I hurt her but I wonder, do I wait till she is fully over it or should I just move on?

Eshmahil

Hi,

Right from the onset, you made her lose her trust in you by extending the acting on the TV show to a romantic relationship, as evidenced by the chats you were sending each other.

This would definitely disappoint any partner, particularly where such behaviour leads from one thing to another. This is the reason you started going out with the person you have described, so she refused to relate to you the way she did earlier.

It does not take rocket science to realise that when you consciously choose to flirt with other women behind your girlfriend’s back, it will cause her pain and frustration. She decided not to open up to you because she could not trust you anymore.

I really do not get it when you equate quality time with having sex. I respect your girlfriend for refusing to have sex because it shows respect to her values and also that she was maintaining her purity for your marriage bed.

I believe you need to think about what caused her pain and ask yourself whether she needed to police you or if it is you who should have shown the that would have kept you on the pure and honest path. Maybe what she is asking herself is how she can trust you again. Life is not just about what we believe in, but also what we say and do. That is what counts.

The best thing to do is look for a way to start afresh by proving to her that you are serious. I am not sure whether assurances will cut it for you. Try and keep the connection by giving her time to rebuild her trust in the relationship. I pray that you make changes that will enable you to have integrity.

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She’s spreading nasty rumours about me

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

After months reading your column, I have finally decide to write to you.

I am 25. I have been in a relationship with a woman for two years now. We loved each other, but things started falling apart after I lost my job. Now she hardly calls or takes my calls.

She is calling me all sorts of names and is spreading rumours that the only reason we are still together is because I am good in bed.

This is killing me. Are all women like this? I need a humble woman who will love me for who I am.

Please help me find one.


Jahmal

Hi,
I suggest that you take time away from all relationships and find out for yourself why you want to be in one. Find out what makes relationships fulfilling. In most relationships, when sexual intimacy becomes the centre, the relationship loses the spark when it is absent.

Redefining what you are looking for in a woman will help you build an authentic relationship. Consider also why a woman would want you in her life. Sadly, it seems to me that your woman was interested only in your money.

Do not cry over spilt milk. Deal with your disappointment with a sober mind and work towards making a fresh start. Be clear about what you want in life and in relationships and move on.

I believe your problem is not being able to find someone to love.

What you need is to be clear about your priorities and values and how you should build your life together. I really do not see the need for us to be involved in the search for the love of your life.

I believe you have all it takes, so long as you do not keep focusing on the past.

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What can a married woman call her own?

Hi,

I am really grateful to God for giving us people like you to help answer some of our personal and difficult problems.

My question is, are wives allowed to own property? Do husbands have a right over their wives’ property, salary, and loans even to the extent of leaving them with nothing?

Eva.

Hi,
We desire to remain relevant to issues facing us and also try our best to provide guidance that will help our readers find hope in the midst of the issues they face.

Two basic principles that make marriages work are based on two issues. First is “the two shall become one flesh” principle. This principle calls on the couple to work towards integrating their vision and strategy for the sake of their marriage. For example, this would mean that the couple learns to develop a joint plan on finances.

Second is the need to embrace the principle defined in the marriage covenant. Phrases like “in sickness and in health” and “in poverty and in wealth” must move from being just statements to something we believe in.

So, your husband has to see you as a friend and a life partner whom the Bible calls upon to treat you as an equal.

Any marriage in which a couple purports to share a life together but keeps their finances a secret is likely to experience suspicion and lack of trust.