I am facing a dilemma

Dear Kitoto,

I’ m 20 years old and just completed my secondary education. When I was in Form Two there was a girl I used to admire a lot in my neighbourhood. I told her about my strong feelings for her but she rejected me.

We moved from that neighbourhood and I forgot about her. Last year her family moved into our neighbourhood.

I have a girlfriend whom I truly love and we have been in relationship for three years. I don’t want to betray my current but my feeling for this other girl have not changed. We spend a lot of time together and recently she told me she is in long distance relationship I can’t get her out of my mind.  What should I do?

Sychar Jumah

Hi,

In relationships, and particularly for women, little things matter. You must therefore listen carefully to what your crush is saying. May be you are just a good person, neighbour to hang around with because you pose no greater danger. Let your feelings for her not carry you away. So, for you, it is what she is saying and not saying at the same time that matters. So far she has told you that she has no interest in what you are interested in. To that extent, you moved on to find another girlfriend. The issue here is, as much as you are not willing to break your girlfriend’s heart, you could as well do so by you indecision. If you believe she is wasting your time, then let her know and don’t entertain being together. It just makes things more complicated.

Listening to many young dating couples, it is important to know who you are before starting to date for marriage. In fact, you can marry any woman so long as both of you share common values or virtues that are foundations to any relationship. Looking at your age, both of you are still young. You have college to complete and a career to work on. As far as I  see, marriage is still long way off.

Remember, relationships are dynamic. So, deal with issues that are of priority now.  If you don’t, you may end up thinking: “I wish I had sorted out what I wanted to do with my life first.”

Let your twenties not turn out to be a time spent on following the attractions of life, rather than pursuing goals. I feel that you need to pay greater attention to college and getting your career on track. You still have a lot of time  for relationships. The argument many young people have is:  “All my peers are dating …I can’t survive being alone.”

A marriage and maintaining relationships takes devotion, and commitment. It’s harder work than we sometimes imagine. It is naive to think that you can just sit back and all the other things will fall in place. Again, sometimes space can be a good thing. What you need between yourself and these two girls is space. Give yourself time to think on what you priorities in life are. Take time to ask the big questions.

Go even further by asking yourself whether you really love the second girl. Isn’t she getting a raw deal? Won’t she get hurt realising that she but a second fiddle. You have to come to a realisation that there is a girl you love and there is another you think you love. The two are very different.

Just think imagine if you marry the girl you are dating now and this other one turns up at your door two months later? You see, there is a lot to finding a partner and totally another in knowing that she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 I suggest that it would be for your own good to let these two ladies be, prioritise your life and let the rest fall in place.