I’m haunted by fear and lack of self-esteem

Hi Pastor,

I am a 24-year-old computer science student. My problem is that I have been brought up in an environment of fear. I did not have a close relationship with my parents or siblings and I have grown up always being criticised such that every step I take seems to be a mistake. Consequently, I live in perpetual fear and have low self-esteem. I am in my fourth year at the university and have not had a relationship because I simply do not have the confidence to approach women. I was hoping to settle down as soon as I complete my studies but this now seems impossible. Please help.

KS

Hi,

I feel you should not use the word impossible if your motives and desires are aligned for the right purpose. First, your low self-esteem is feeding on the fears you have mentioned. The good thing is that you have already done the first thing I would have asked you to do to overcome it, which is acknowledging that fear is the source of you current problems.

Second, your feelings of helplessness, which are pushing you towards inaction, are the only mountain keeping you from telling the fear from your past that you are now in your fourth year and that you are no longer in your family’s clutches.

You would do well to remember the saying by Eleanor Roosevelt that “the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” I believe that your dream, which is to settle down with a great woman someday, should not be killed by fears from your past.

My wife had an affair but did not tell me about it

Hi Pastor,

We have been married for 15 years and have three children. Last year I found out that my wife had an affair with my cousin’s husband. It happened when she was in Busia. One day the man was returning from some place and realised that he could not make it home before dark, so he decided to spend the night at our place.

My wife prepared a room for him to sleep, then called him from my mother’s house to tell him that his room was ready. After some time, he called my wife and they had sex. This happened two years ago. For some time I had been feeling that something was amiss, but it was not until I asked my wife if she had slept with any other man after we got married that she admitted having done so — after I threatened her. She told me the man raped her. The man had no weapon, was in unfamiliar surroundings, did not cover her mouth, and she did not shout for help, yet my mother’s house is about five metres away. It bothers me that she kept the incident to herself until I broached the issue whether she had been unfaithful. Please help. I am a committed Christian and I forgave her, but I need help to heal. She told me I should not confront the man if I have forgiven her.
Dady

Hi,

There may be several possibilities, but what actually happened that night is known only to your wife and your cousin’s husband. It is possible that she was raped but was afraid or ashamed to talk about it. Alternatively, it could have been by mutual consent. However, this is less likely since you have mentioned that he was in a new place.

However, I do not understand why she does not want you to talk to him about it if, indeed, it was rape.

True healing will only come through total and unconditional forgiveness. You should ask yourself this very important question: Of what benefit will the information be to me once I get it? Is it enough to know that she had an affair or is it important to confirm whether or not it was rape?

If the information will cause you more pain, ask yourself whether forgiveness is based on unconditional love or on stripping the other person naked so that you can forgive? This is a question only you can answer.

Finally, you have the choice of taking her word, forgiving her, and moving on with your marriage or facing your cousin’s husband and confronting him with what you know. If you go this route, your guess is as good as mine.

He could admit to the affair or deny it and call your wife a liar. If he admits it, what next? And if he does not, what do you do? Is this the route you want to take?

*****

I can’t get over this girl

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

I am a man in my late 20s and have a problem with forgetting a past relationship. I had dated this girl for more than four years and we were planning to get married but unfortunately broke up late last year after she accused me of not setting boundaries regarding how I should relate with other girls. She found a girl in my house and started a fight, saying that I was cheating on her.

I tried to explain, but it was too late. She got into another relationship immediately after the breakup, which left no room for us to discuss the problems in our relationship. I went into denial and even withdrew from family and friends.

Four months later, we met and had sex and she told me that she was confused and did not know whether to come back to me or continue with her new man. We have been friends since and talk over the phone every now and then, but most of the time I find myself thinking about her. My house is full of memories of her and I do not know how to handle them. I have tried to hook up with new friends but it is not helping.

It has been seven months since we broke up but I still feel as if it happened just yesterday. I feel alone and out of place. Please advise me what to do to be able to move on and accept that she is gone.

Also advise me what to do to regain my confidence and trust in women because I do not feel like dating again.

And finally, is it advisable to take her back so that we can discuss the possibility of dating again and continuing with our plans for marriage?

BM

Hi,

Any relationship between two people who truly love each other is sure to have lasting memories of the good times. What you suffered when you lost your girlfriend was the result of the moments you had together, which you cannot just wish away, particularly if you gave your all to the relationship.

I have a feeling that her initial moments with you must have been shattered by one of two things: First, she was in it only for the short haul and soon someone she really fancied came along and off she went.

Second, she could have left because she realised that it was never going to work between the two of you, so she simply enjoyed it while it lasted.

Finally, she could have left because she was still exploring relationships while you were ready to settle down, and this scared her, making her move on.

However, whether you move on with her or find someone else depends on you. If it is with her, you should answer the question, why her? And if it is not with her you still have to ask yourself, why somebody else? I would advise you not to be naïve or allow yourself to be used.

Make wise discussions based on intelligent thought. This woman left you, so why do you want to sleep with her? Have the issues that made her leave been resolved? Will it do you any good to take her back or let her go?

Once you have answered these questions, move on and take action. What I gather from your letter is that you have the power to create your destiny if you remain focused and do what is right.