KITOTO: Even though I am now married, I still think about my former lover

Dear Philip,

I have always been an intelligent, focused, disciplined, and no nonsense woman. I now find myself in a situation that is tearing me apart. I feel trapped, and in trouble because of the poor decisions I made in the past.

I had a wonderful boyfriend while at university. He was a great person. He was my first boyfriend, I was naive, but he was very supportive. Unfortunately, his main pastime at the time was drinking alcohol.

I was not much of a drinker though wee often went out together, and other times with his friends, with whom I had nothing in common.

So after about two years, I got very bored of our relationship and ended it.

After five years of being apart, we met again and had a brief relationship. He had met someone else and she was living in his house.

He continued to live with throughout our relationship. I think he felt obligated to her for various reasons, but still loved me. Our relationship ended when he married her.

We met again after five years. He was still married and even though I was a committed Christian, I could not help but have a relationship with him again. Because of guilt, it was short-lived, but he asked me to wait for him to divorce his wife.

Guided by my christianity, I chose to run as fast as I could so as not to commit adultery and break his home.

Shortly, I met a good man, we got married and had three children. Our relationship is lukewarm. My husband is very committed to providing for the family. He is however not as progressive as I am.

EMOTIANALLY UNAVAILABLE

He says he loves me and the children but does not show it in deed. He is easily angered, and is verbally abusive to us. I feel like he consciously or unconsciously likes to put me down as I am generally intelligent and independent.

When we are not fighting, he tries to be nice— he says nice things to me, and touches me amorously. The touching irritates. It is not my thing, and I always feel like it is just a way of asking for sex thus making me feel valued as an object and not as a person.

When I got married, my main objective was companionship, which I received when we were courting. My husband works Monday to Saturday — from morning to 8:30pm, sometimes later. On Sundays, unless I ask or  insist on doing something else, we will visit my mother-in-law. Occasionally, after asking repeatedly, we go out for dinner together — some years we don’t do this at all and in a good year, we have gone out to dinner together about five or six times.

I have requested my husband to give me just one evening a week (then asked for one a month — if he couldn’t make a week), but he says he can’t do that, because the nature of his work does not enable him to. However, I have noticed that he has been able to make time for several chaamas over time, and is also available when his friends or other obligations need him to be.

When I have asked him to take the family for holiday, he has always says “No”. When other people — including his in-laws (my side of the family) ask him to go on holiday or overnight functions (as a family) he quickly agrees.

Even though he provides well for the family, we make no financial planning together. We make no investments together. I feel that we don’t do enough together to grow closer together. I used to sit next to him as he watched TV, but I grew to resent it as he would often “shush” me so as to concentrate  on what was on TV. So now I read (which he doesn’t do at all), while he watches TV.  Even though this is tolerable, my marriage feels shallow.

Back to my first boyfriend. During my marriage, I have met him briefly a couple of times, and each time my heart skips a beat, though  we don’t talk much. Then I met him a third time. We talked cordially, and as we parted, he hugged me and I melted. 

I didn’t sleep that night — just thinking of what a wonderful couple we could have been. I have been trying to get him off my mind, but I feel lovesick. I feel without doubt that I have always loved this man like no other, and have never stopped loving him.

I’m praying about it really seriously. I don’t want to ruin my marriage as it would be bad for my children, who generally like their dad when he is not shouting at them.

I feel like I should ask for a formal meeting with my first boyfriend. Make a deal not to destroy each other’s relationships, and think of a way to cope. Yet asking for such a meeting could mean trouble because sets my heart racing.  Help me. How do I stay sane without dying of heart trouble?  Please help. I’m confused. I’m lost. Help me find myself and have a promising future.

Lovesick

Hi,

You have raised many important issues that I will attempt to respond to one by one. First, is the issue of being in a relationship that has lost its spark. It is important for every relationship to embrace romance and adventure.

Well planned and executed quality time and adventure in the marriage helps bring the much needed energy while increasing the bond between the husband and wife.

In one of my earlier articles, I mentioned that “No two marriage partners are the same.” I am a believer in the notion that each spouse must know what they want in a relationship.

Like any other value in a relationship, spending time together communicates many things to either spouse:

“I am valued” … “I feel I belong” … “I feel I am affirmed” … “I feel I am important to my spouse.”

I have also shared earlier that, understanding what makes relationships thrive is important for both men and women. Dr Chapman in his book, The 5 Love Languages, explains how men and women give and receive love.

So he asks whether, “It is possible for couples to truly love each other, but to truly feel unloved because they don’t think the same about giving and receiving love?”

RUNNING ON EMPTY

As far as you are concerned, spending time with him embodies what your definition of love is. Eating out together seems to energise you more than it does him.

As a result, Dr Chapman say that, when we understand our spouse’s love language, this will help fill their “Love Tank”. Currently, your feeling is that, you are running on empty because his is not in touch with what concerns you.

Quality time to bond as well as taking time to understand where your partner is coming from is all part healing your marriage. It looks like what concerns him is his meetings with business partners.

His current love language seems to be shown by him providing for the family. Since there are moments he shows concern in this area, use such opportunities to develop discussion on where you see things from the same page and slowly expand the discussion with time.

Don’t just condemn without seeing the good in what he does.

As concerns your first boyfriend, do remember that he is a married man. No two wrongs can make a right.

What you need to do, is a focus on celebrating the good in your relationship as you seek sober ways of engaging your man.

Where you are at is a feeling of being starved for emotional connection.

But who tells you that you couldn’t just end up losing everything if you are not careful. As a christian, this are moments you need to involve God through prayer and possible visit a counsellor to give you the much needed focus.

Do remember that, issues we face have a way of crowding us up. Seek to please God by making wise chooses this time round.