I gave her my love and trust but she failed me, what should I do?

Dear Kitoto,

I am 23 years old and I have been dating a 20 year old woman for the past two years.

During this period we have been quite happy, I have been there for her and provided for her needs.

Recently, she fell ill and I paid her medical expenses. Since then she’s been acting strange, she does not text back nor pick my calls.

I am worried about losing her because I heard rumours from a friend that she was dating another guy during the time we were in our relationship.

I gave her my trust but she failed me; it feels like a bad dream. My question is what should I do when she comes back?

I do not trust her and I fear contracting an STI or HIV.

Baraka

Hi,

Your fears are genuine and need answers. However I am pretty sure that she has reasons for her going silent on you.

First, loving a woman is not all about providing and enjoying sexual intimacy. Most women rate their lovers very differently from men.

The key things we do and think they should make a woman happy, fulfilled and committed to us may never translate to our expectations.

First, when you tell a woman I love you, they want to see certain things beyond sex and financial provision even though these are important. A woman will expect you to show consistency in other areas as well.

For example, when you say, I appreciate all you do; is that later followed by feelings of abandonment and fear.

Do your actions nullify your previous gestures of affection and kindness? Be real, honest and trustworthy all through.

Second, do our actions translate to a form of manipulation or desire to control?

I am praying that your actions towards her were out of a open and giving heart and that you were willing let her go should the friendship not lead to marriage.

Now, whether her going silent has something to do with what you did or did not do, it is hard to tell from where I stand.

However, reconnection is not going to be easy. You need to evaluate your past and seek to understand what you could have done that contributed to the current state of affairs.

This is good for you regardless of whether she will come back to you of not.

Relationships go hand in hand with a commitment to remain life long learners. We don’t know everything that makes a woman ‘tick’.  Neither do they!

I would also wish that you deal with your shortcomings and let go. Letting go does not mean we stop living. It is amazing how you can learn valuable lessons that will make each one of you amazing partners on your future relationships.