I got my married lover pregnant; should I tell her husband?

I got my married lover pregnant, and I feel like telling her husband

Hello Sir,

I am 30 years old. I met a married woman and we fell in love. After some time, her husband learnt about our relationship, and it affected their marriage so badly that they separated.

Then, in April this year, they resolved their differences and reunited. The woman had promised to use the opportunity of their reunion to get pregnant by me and bear me a child while making it look as if the pregnancy was her husband’s.

Four days after they got back together, she called and told me that she had done a pregnancy test and that it was positive. She told me I was responsible for the pregnancy, and not her husband, yet he believes he is responsible.

I told her I was ready to take care of my baby and to provide everything for her although she’s married. Can I get paternity rights of a child born of a married woman? Whom should the child be named after? Should I tell her husband about it?

JT

Hi,

Several issues don’t sound quite right. First, it seems that you are not remorseful about dating a married woman and breaking her marriage. I sometimes wonder what you would feel if the situation were reversed. It is only fair to do to others what you would like them to do to you. Put yourself in the man’s shoes. Secondly, her actions are really wanting. She appears to me to be a double player. If she can do this to her husband and you, I wonder what else she is capable of.

Of concern is that she is lying to her husband that they have reconciled while getting pregnant by you behind his back. I can guarantee you, this woman is not trustworthy. Do each other a favour and go your separate ways and seek to live right.

True joy comes when you know that even that child doesn’t deserves to live a confused life. I can assure you that if you continue, you will just be complicating her life and marriage. Leave her to sort herself and her marriage out. Her husband deserves to get back his wife and marriage — but right now she is living a lie.

My husband is seeing a woman half his age

Hi Kitoto,

I have been reading your column and like the advice you give.
I have been married for 22 years now. I work and live away from my husband but we see each other over the weekend and when on leave. For some time I suspected that my husband was having affairs but I didn’t have any proof. Recently, he got a better paying job. He started an affair with a woman who is half his age. When I got to know about it, he admitted it, we talked about it and he asked for forgiveness. He said it was a mistake and that he would end it but he did not, and they still communicate. Whenever we are together, he switches off his phone, or puts it on silent mode or when it rings he does not pick it.
We have grown-up children, some of whom are in college. I don’t know what to do.

LB

Hi,

An affair in a 22-year marriage can be heartbreaking. I pray that you will work on your heart and confront your feelings.
I am glad that you confronted him when you learnt about the affair. The problem with people who have affairs is that some find it difficult to turn around after making such a confession. There is a need for great accountability for there to develop consistent behaviour patterns to show that one truly repented.
Getting involved in an affair is like falling into a trap. Some people might feel guilty about it but lack the willpower to get out. Since you have already talked about this issue, find out if he is willing to see a counsellor with you.

Since it takes two people to make a relationship work, I suggest that you let him know about your disappointment, but do it gently. Be firm but loving in sharing what you would like to see happen if the relationship is to be fixed.

Things are not working between me and my partner

Dear Kitoto,

Thank you for the difference you are making in our families.. You are truly a gifted man of wisdom.

I  am 32 years old and my partner and I need help, because things are just not working. Could you please refer me to marriage counselling services within Nairobi. Patricia

Hi,

Thank you for the kind words to the DN2 team. We are indeed grateful to hear from many of our readers that this column has been of benefit to them. Our purpose has always been to offer an opportunity in this column for learning, exchanging ideas, and bringing hope to the family institution that is facing great problems.

Regarding your question, I will be sending you information about a counsellor via e-mail.

It's been two years since we last had sex

Hi,

Thank you for the advice you give readers. I am a married woman with a 10-year-old son. My problem is that I think my husband has a problem but he does not want to admit it. It is now two years since we had sex. Whenever I ask what the problem is, he says that he has a lot of stress from work. In the beginning, he would beg me to give him a little more time, promising that things will soon be normal. However, it is getting worse by the day.

One day we talked and he told me that he had a problem of low libido. That is true because he cannot sustain an erection for more than 10 minutes. I suggested that he should see a doctor but he does not want anyone to know about his condition and insists that I should give him time so that he can relax because he is under too much pressure from work. I’m so confused that I don’t know what to do. Please help because I don’t want to have an affair. I live in Mombasa. Can you recommend a counsellor because I need to talk to someone?

Hi,

I can sense the frustration from your e-mail. I don’t know the circumstances at work that could be causing your man so much stress that he is unable to have sex. It is up to you to gauge the amount of stress your man is carrying and look for ways to help him relax. But from your email, I get the feeling that he is not willing to let anyone near him in this area.

If, indeed, this is the cause of his lack of interest in sex, then you will need to build a bridge to help understand where he is coming from. Sex means a lot in a marriage and if not well addressed, it could complicate issues later. However, if he completely refuses to let you into his world, it could mean that there are other issues that he is unwilling to discuss. Sadly, he is not ready to discuss these issues with a counsellor.

In many instances, when a spouse uses different excuses not to have sex, it is possible that a range of issues could have gone wrong. For example, has the man reached a point where sex in the relationship has become routine and boring? This could cause him to keep off and not try again. In such cases, he might find it difficult to tell the truth and instead look for excuses to cover up the real reason.

In addition, in a situation where a man is suspicious of his wife, or where he has been unfaithful, he might be having associated fears of having sex at home. However, note that these are just my thoughts of what the problem might be. You must pursue this independently and lovingly to a logical conclusion.

What are the values that guide a relationship?

Hi,

I would like to commend you for the good work you are doing. Keep it up. Your column is very informative and my Monday is always complete after reading it.

I am a 32-year-old single woman. I have not dated before and am looking forward to finding a man whom I can start a relationship with. What are some of the values I can set to guide the relationship?

Edel.

Hi,

Dating is a great stage in life, so your desire to know the important values one needs to embrace which will later guide her relationship with a man is commendable. At your age, you are mature and ready for a relationship. Many start early and make many mistakes, which leave them hurt and feeling misused.

Some basic steps one should take include knowing: First, what kind of spouse you want. You should be sure about the qualities of the kind of person, for instance, should they be of the same race and religion as you? Personally, I needed a wife who would work only up to 5pm. This would give us time with children — so, career was important.

Second is the ability to communicate. When looking for someone to marry, communication is like the bloodline of the relationship. So, you are seeking a person with whom you have some convergence about certain issues. Does this person show respect to you while communicating or do they use words that demean or embarrass you?

Third, you must have a common dream or vision for the relationship. You don’t want to date someone who, after you get married, takes off for studies for a number of years. Such things must be discussed. You need to know where they are headed in life in terms of career, as well as their beliefs and values.

Finally, since conflict is inevitable in human relations, look for someone who is tolerant, willing to discuss things through, gives you feedback and values consultation before arriving at decisions. When your spouse is sensitive to your needs, it adds value and makes you feel affirmed.