I stumbled upon his Facebook account; what a flirt I’m dating!

Kitoto, I have been a great fan of your articles and I feel you are the right person to advice me regarding a dilemma I find myself in. I have been in a relationship for three years now with a man I really love.

Things have not between smooth all through, but we have learnt to live with our differences.

I don’t know the exact words to use here, so I hope the expression “my guy has been unfaithful” will suffice. This is how I discovered it: some time back he borrowed my phone since his had developed a problem.

He logged into his Facebook account and fortunately — or, in his case, unfortunately — he forgot to log off when he gave me back the phone.

A few hours later, I decided to log into my Facebook account, but since he had not logged off, the browser automatically opened his account. Out of curiosity, I decided to check his inbox. Big mistake.

I almost smashed my phone in anger. He had been flirting with a number of women on Facebook, even asking some of them to go to his place for sleep-overs!

FLIRTY CONTENTS
I thought of dumping him because I couldn’t picture myself living with that, but since he had already introduced me to his family, and since I had already introduced him to mine, we ironed out the issue. I forgave him and we moved on.

A few months later, he started acting a bit weird; he would never let me touch his phone whenever I went to his place, so one day I asked to browse through the photos in his handset.

He gave me the phone reluctantly, but as I was browsing through his saved photos, a girl texted him and the flirty contents of the message flashed at the top of the screen. He denied having any romantic ideas about her, but I didn’t trust him.

He treats me nicely and I feel complete when we are together, but he flirts too much and the attention he receives from other women irritates me. I met another guy who showed interest in me, but my boyfriend caught wind of it and warned him to keep off me.

He says he loves me. I have never cheated on him and I truly love him too, but the girls in his life and around him are chasing me away. Please advise.

Rhobbie.

Hello Rhobbie,

Sadly, neither your boyfriend’s family nor his flirty words towards can make a marriage. If you can’t realise this, then you will be the one to blame when the smelly stuff hits the fan.

God has blessed you with the five senses and an amazing intellect that can compare information and reason through issues at hand, yet, from the little you have shared, there is a lot you don’t know about this man.

I suggest that you list down the values and qualities you need in a man, then ask yourself whether he displays at least 60 per cent of these. Also, if he truly loves you, then he should prove it by caring for your heart.

You cannot afford to go by mere promises as words must be accompanied by commitment and determination to live and love differently. Don’t allow yourself to be taken for granted.

Finally, emotional faithfulness is key in any relationship. Whether this guy is sexually intimate or not with the harem around him, just the fact that he continues to see nothing wrong in flirting raises a red flag.

Flirting can wreck a relationship, and is in itself also a symptom of potential unfaithfulness that should be dealt with if you want a great relationship.

I WANT HIM, BUT HE HAS A COLOURFUL PAST

Kitoto, I am quite impressed by the job you and your team are doing to help us find solutions to our love problems. May God keep blessing you. I am a woman aged 24 and I think I have been quite unlucky when it comes to matters of the heart.

However, I recently met this man who has been so kind, so loving, so tender to me that I have nothing to complain about. There is one problem though; the man was once married and has two children from his first wife.

It’s been five years since they separated and he says he wants a woman, a wife, now. His search, he adds, ended immediately he met me because “I am fit to be his wife”, but my worry is that he still supports his two children.

That is not a bad thing per se, but I foresee a situation where such constant contact with the children will eventually re-ignite the fires with his first wife, and then he will leave me for her. I love the man and I definitely want him. What should I do to be safe? Leah.

Leah, five years of separation is a long time. A lot has happened within that time between this man and his wife — and, I guess, between you and him. On dating and marrying a person that was once married, I have stated in this column before that, first, you must check the kind of relationship he or she maintains with his or her ex-spouse.

Does he consider the past union a marriage or does he view this woman as just a friend to whom no commitments were made? Whether he sees her as a legal wife or just a friend, he has an obligation towards the upkeep of their children, and if this woman was a legally recognised wife, there are a lot of other things to consider, like divorce obligations and settlements, and wardship of the children.

Second, when past issues that caused the separation and pain are identified and resolved, healing must be allowed to take its course. Your biggest worry, therefore, should be whether this man dealt with his past pain.

SPECIAL FIRST LOVE

In addition, he needs to have identified why that relationship did not work and what he has chosen to do differently. You should not allow yourself to become another piece in the puzzle that is unresolved.

Your place in his life must be identified. Why, for instance, does he think your relationship with him will work out differently?

Third, walk a road of full disclosure by asking each other questions that will bring clarity and oneness in vision. You are not doing that now, which explains why you feel unsure about the other woman.

Remember that, in most cases, someone’s first love will always remain special, even after they part. The issue here is whether that will remain as such or will be used as a benchmark for other relationships in the future.

Two people are never the same. If he cannot love you for who you are, then move on. Disclosure will help you tap into his thoughts about what he really wants in relationships. All the best.

THE WORST DUMP. EVER!

Kitoto, thank you for the good work. I am a 24-year-old woman and have been dating a man I met since I was in Form Four in 2010. We both live in Nairobi but only meet twice a week, depending on our work schedules.

After dating for two years, I fell so much in love with him that I decided he was the man I would marry. But it seems he had other plans because, one morning in July this year, I asked him whether he was free so that I could go to his place.

The reply was simple and terse. “By the way, I got married,” he texted me back. I was shocked and speechless. I am yet to understand why he would dump me and leave me this heart-broken, and I have been unable to move on. How will I heal this wound, because I don’t think I will ever date again? Thank you, Marx.

Hello Marx,

What this man did to you was indeed very bad. However, let me start by encouraging you to be objective and not put all the blame at his door. Of course he lacked good judgment and moral uprightness, yet relationships demand both honesty and courtesy. Using and quietly dumping you was unfair. At least you deserved to be told something.

On the other hand, this is a blessing in disguise as it shows just what kind of man you were dating. His secrecy shows that he cannot be trusted. It is common for one partner in a relationship to remain secretive, keeping certain information to oneself because we are not good at using relational intelligence to weigh both words and actions, but I have a feeling that you could have done something to find out more about him as I think the tell-tale signs were always there.

Could it be that he was married much earlier than this and you did not know? There is a possibility that all that time you were dating a married man who, when the time to move on came, just decided to push you to the side.

Learn from this, heal from the heartache, and deploy some emotional intelligence when dating again — which I think you should start right away, by the way.

WE ARE NOT TALKING ANYMORE

Kitoto, I have quite a story but I will highlight the key areas. My man and I had the best days last year, but at the beginning of this year he reduced the communication greatly. Naturally, I too cut my words to match his.

Now it has reduced to once a week. There is a time he said that I’m venting my frustrations a lot, so I stopped even mentioning my worries. Truth is, our lack of communication is killing me. I have tried breaking the silence once or twice, but I’m getting tired.

I have been raised to understand, and I now believe, that a woman should not pursue a man. So my question is: Is this one of those low moments he complains about? Should I wait for him to change? Grace.

Hello Grace
Your relationship could be headed towards staleness. Communication is the avenue through which you show the other person that you care, understand, and are interested in what concerns him or her.

Top on the list of ways to re-ignite the fire in your marriage is the principle of communication, which by itself is not complete unless we place it in context. This, of course, will require commitment and time.

For example, you must evaluate both what you communicate and the way you do it. What you say and how you say it reveals a lot about what you value and care about. I suggest that you include the following characteristics in your desire to rebuild your communication.

AVOID CONFRONTATION
First, avoid being confrontational when communicating. This can be seen either in your body language, the tone of voice or in the way you select and use words to ask a question, communicate a thought or an idea.

Second, the environment or the place you choose to communicate is key. For example, what you say requires a medium. Ask yourself: “Is what I want to say confidential or open to any one who hears it? What will my partner think when I communicate in this or that environment?”

Many times we have a great desire to communicate but do it at the wrong time, place or in the wrong tone of voice. If the environment is compromised, our desire to communicate may just hit a snag unless we wait for the environment to change. I have discovered that one’s mood will determine how the other person will receive and respond to the message.

I suggest you evaluate your relationship and improve how you communicate. First, what made your communication take a downhill path? Look for the genesis; were there mounting, unresolved issues, or did it have something to do with the timings? Evaluation will help you do things differently.

A WELCOMING CLIMATE

Second, look at what initially worked and helped your communication to thrive. Did it have anything to do with when you communicated and how you did it? Knowing what worked — and how it worked — will help you pick principles from there.

Third, what is the preoccupation of your man when he is around you? Women can be good at what we men are not so good at. This includes other modes of communication, like touching and feeling. Try interweaving your verbal communication with moments of touch or even setting the home to be a place your man feels loved just by what he sees.

Women at times can create the wrong climate at home just because they are unhappy and end up totally killing an opportunity. Do not be one of them!

HE JUST DOES NOT LIKE MY FRIEND

Kitoto, I am a frequent reader of your column and really appreciate and congratulate you for the good work you do. I am 21 years and my boyfriend is 28. I broke a promise I made to him about not talking to a male friend of mine, and when he found out he was upset as he thinks I like this other guy. I love my boyfriend and I want him back. Please help me because we live in different towns so communication is a challenge.

Heartbroken.

Hello Heartbroken,

Your man has the right to be disappointed as I guess you would have felt the same if the roles were reversed. No one wants to be betrayed or feel lied to. In a situation like yours, two issues will arise, and the first has to do with your man.

How can he be sure this will not happen again in the future? And have you dealt with what caused you to break the promise? How can he be sure that you will not go after your boyfriend again?

The second issue has to do with whether the two of you are willing to commit to rebuilding intimacy. This will require honest and open communication. He seems a bit insecure, so assure him that it is only him you want.

The distance could also be contributing to the mistrust, so communicate with him frequently. All the best.