KITOTO: I want my father out of my life

Tuesday March 21 2017

I spent my entire life crying and taking

I spent my entire life crying and taking responsibility of mistakes that were not mine, and over-explaining myself. At 14, I ran away and went to live with my mum, who is happily married to another man. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP 

By PHILIP KITOTO
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Hi,

Thanks for the great job. You’re changing lives. I come from a broken family. My father has remarried many times and always ends up abandoning all his wives and children. I have been living with him since he parted ways with my mum, and he always uses me as a cover to leave those women, which has really killed my self-esteem. I have hated myself for so long. When I was eight, he told his sixth wife that I was the reason he divorced my mum. She always hated me and blamed me for every problem she had with my father, even after he left her with six mouths to feed.

I spent my entire life crying and taking responsibility of mistakes that were not mine, and over-explaining myself. At 14, I ran away and went to live with my mum, who is happily married to another man. I asked her about her life with my father and she explained that he used to mistreat her. Now his current wife has left him. All his women end up hating me for no reason. I have tried to reach out to him so that we solve this issue but he always avoids me. I have attempted suicide six times because of him. My mum told me that she once attempted suicide because of the way he used to manipulate people to gang up against her. Recently, he did the same to me and I have been feeling like it was better if I was dead. I have always been there for him but I am now tired. I want to live my life. I want to be happy and I want him out of it, or I am afraid I might do something terrible.

 

I am really sorry for the actions of your father that have left you questioning many things. Fathers are supposed to be mentors, counsellors, and their children’s role models. I cannot assume that I understand what is driving your father on this path. I pray that an uncle or a cousin somewhere will model a life that will help you know that this is not the end of the road.

I ask that you process your emotions well and not allow yourself to grow up a bitter woman. Believe that each one of us has the capacity to make a difference. Your dad has made his own mistakes and I urge you to not allow his mistakes to define how you respond to life. Deal with your unresolved issues of anxiety and anger and make a choice to love and not hate him. He may not deserve the title, but he is still your father.  You are the only one who can write a new story about what you think should define you. These other women whom your father married chose to believe what they were told because they had an interest. I am sure that one day the truth with stand out. We can never have control on other people’s thoughts, words, and judgement towards us. Even if they think evil towards you, make a choice to rebuff their talk by living right.

I am glad that your mum is near for you to reach out to and talk about your pain. I hope that you are able to see in her the resilience one needs to move on regardless of the pain and rejection we get in life.

You need to know that your father should not control your life. I am assuming you are of age now to live on your own. Engage your mother in this discussion and make the decision to live your life the way God intended.  As you pray for his transformation, deal with the past hurts and wounds and make a choice to never look back. Live a life of love.