I want to get rid of this man, but gently

Hi Kitoto,
I am a frequent reader of your column and I appreciate the work you are doing.

I am 27, born-again and single. I live an upright life. There is this 28-year-old man I met in college in 2009. He has been a good friend since.

In 2010, we lost contact but then reconnected in 2012. At no time during this period did he indicate that he was interested in a romantic relationship. Similarly, I treated him simply as a friend. We often met for lunch and he would insist on paying my bus fare. Sometimes we would meet on Sunday after church and he would take care of the expenses.

One day he asked me to visit him and I did, unaware of his intentions. However, he took my phone and after scrolling through my text messages, accused me of being unfaithful.

I was shocked because as far as I was concerned, he was just a friend. When I asked him why he was accusing me of being unfaithful, he told me that it was because we were lovers, going by the things he had been doing for me.

He said that if he did not love me, he would not have done any of them. I felt that he was not being honest because even a 10-year-old would not have made such an assumption. Besides, at no time during the period we had known each other did we discuss relationships or anything close to that. All we talked about were our ambitions, work, and life in general.

After some time, though, I took time to talk to him and I realised that he was just afraid of approaching me about a relationship. He apologised.

After this, he gained courage and started talking to me plainly. I am not ready to start a relationship with him because I believe that, like every woman, I have in mind the qualities I want in a man and that I can find such a man through prayer, persistence, and patience.

Unfortunately, he does not have any of the qualities I want in a man and I don’t want to compromise my life for someone I do not feel comfortable with.

He keeps calling and sending me text messages. Although I have made my position clear to him, he will not leave me alone. I want to get rid of him without hurting him. Kindly advise.

JN

Hi,
Men and women look at relationships differently, so it is not surprising that he made certain assumptions. Women are interested in details and need assurance.

I think your fears regarding this relationship result from three things: First, you consider him unsuitable as a future husband. Second, you are at different levels of understanding and commitment in the relationship. Finally, you feel that he needs to convince you, through word and deed, that you were meant to be together.

Since your views and his are both important, you need to agree on certain issues if the relationship is to progress and lead to marriage.

However, in order to move forward, you have to consider two things: First, you have to determine how you feel about him being a part of your life. In this regard, you do not see in him the qualities you want in a man.

I hope you have not placed the bar too high. If you have not, then this decision is critical to your next move. Second, you need to communicate to him your decision honestly and with love, not fear.

I suggest that you choose an open venue where you are sure you will not be compromised to inform him about your decision.

It is important that you be firm and decisive. If you are ambiguous, you will leave him hoping that there is still an opportunity for a relationship.

After telling him your position, avoid any contact that might create room for compromise. In situations like this, distance has a way of healing wounds.

I'M WILLING TO CONVERT, BUT NOT TO HIS NEW FAITH

Hi, Kitoto.

I am 23 and I have been in a relationship with a certain man. We are into the second year of our relationship and plan to marry by 2017. We have had issues in our relationship, but we have managed to solve most of them.

The problem is that we belong to different denominations. What is more, the church he is now attending is not the original one he used to go to. After going there, I found that it did not give me any satisfaction.

One day, he told he me that if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I should be ready to attend his current church.

I am confused because I am prepared to attend his original church but not the new one. He does not want to look for a church that I will be comfortable with. I am ready to change, but if it means attending his current church if we get married, then I fear I will be remaining at home when he goes to church.

What should I do since he says he does not see the need to abandon his current church? Could he be trying to get rid of me or is he just testing me? Should I leave him since I do not want to go to church just for the sake of it.

FM
Hi,
Psychologist Joel Crohn says that if you are in an inter-faith relationship, you have an extra layer of diversity to deal with. It is, therefore, important to deal with such issues and come to a common understanding.

Some churches might not be fundamentally different from others. However, finding out what attracts people to one church and not to another can reveal something about a partner’s preferences. As a dating couple, you need to explore this in order to harmonise your spiritual standpoints. Here are some questions to guide you:

First, what are the core differences? Do you see any clear difference between your religious beliefs and his? How fundamental are these differences? If you embrace his church’s beliefs, will they change your doctrine and, as a result, practice. Is their doctrine Bible-based and sound?

These questions will guide your reasoning and help you determine the areas in which you can compromise.

If the religious differences stem from one church’s departure from biblical teachings, then you need to let him know the areas of dispute.

If you cannot agree on this, the best thing is to go your separate ways. This is because one’s religious inclination affects one’s behaviour, beliefs, values, and practices.

Besides, do you feel that he respects your religious views? If you realise that your religious beliefs are fundamentally different, then I suggest that, instead of arguing about these differences, try to come to terms with the fact that you and your partner have different religious standpoints.

Do you feel that he wants to coerce you into joining his church? Religion and matters of faith are personal choices.

Our religious convictions are based either on what we saw our parents practise or the result of personal experience. As a result, neither you nor your partner should force your religious beliefs on the other.

However, it is important to note that two people cannot walk together unless they are agreed. Spiritual agreement helps define the principles that govern the faith and practice of marital principles.

Sharing and exploring such differences or similarities helps a couple to make wise choices regarding whether religion is key to the way they will live.

Therefore, if you can find common ground with respect to spirituality, it would create a deeper bond between you.