Invites to launch gates, latrines, footbridges and TV? Excuse me Sir while I laugh

It passed quietly and almost unnoticed, but we’ve hit a new low as far as launches go. Luckily, the Internet is here to chronicle even the more ignominious aspects of our life for posterity. “The DStv was officially commissioned by Gidoen Mwiti Irea, MP, Central Imenti during the fundraising for dorms construction” is the text on the image that launched a thousand tweets.

I have so many questions. For instance, did he pay for the equipment and installation or did he just “commission” it? If he did, did he also pay the subscription, and was it the Premium bouquet or the basic offering? How did the said commissioning go, did he switch it on for the first time or had the technicians done that and he just rebooted it? Did people clap when the image came on? I could go on but let’s launch into the wider Kenyan obsession with launches.

A wag once told me with no small amount of amusement how President Uhuru Kenyatta’s first question to his staff every morning is usually: “What are we launching today?” That can be the only explanation for how Kenya One found himself launching perfectly ordinary public toilets in Machakos a year ago. Bloggers (not those paid by State House, silly, those other pesky ones who peddle rumours, falsehoods and half-truths) rejoiced in describing the president’s reported anger after that episode. But it didn’t stop those in charge of the commander-in-chief’s diary from pencilling in more launches all over the country; a road construction here; a youth project there, and countless corporate events.

The launch fever has trickled down to Cabinet secretaries, governors, all stripes of elected representatives, and everyone else whose wife thinks they’re important. They smile indulgently at cameras, take a pair of scissors, cut a ribbon, smile some more, then pose for pictures amid the claps and ululations.

BUSY UNVEILING SCHEDULE

If there’s a plaque to unveil, even better. Professional launchers know how to angle for a pictorial in the paper the next day, or that TV moment by test-driving the new tractor, planting a tree (don’t forget the carpet) or kicking a ball. You’ll see them smiling smugly in corporate newsletters and special supplements, wearing hard hats or overalls as the situation may require.

There was that time that Governor Joseph Ndathi opened a footbridge at Ngucui. A footbridge! It was “initiated” by two other local leaders, and was proudly opened by “the first Governor of Kirinyaga County” on May 23, 2014. I know this because the photos are still on his Facebook page despite widespread ridicule.

They set up the obligatory ribbon, got a crowd together to applaud and news correspondents to report on it. Governors are falling over themselves to launch pit latrines, barbed wire fences and other monuments to failed leadership.

They learnt from the best, of course: Machakos Governor Alfred Mutua, the consummate spin doctor and launcher par excellence. The former journalism lecturer has a busy schedule unveiling “development projects” across his county even if they fall apart right after his motorcade leaves. Then there was that time Nairobi Governor Evans Kidero launched a gate at the historic KICC. Never a dull moment.

There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with a launch in itself if it heralds something new, innovative or worthwhile. In Kenya, there’s a hurry to unveil projects that are far from ready, or in some cases that are soon abandoned. Activity is not progress, but don’t tell that to leaders here and the project managers who encourage them to jump the gun. Just because your competitor has a new thing going on doesn’t mean you have to do something as well. If I never get invited to another launch ever in my life, it will be too soon. I spent most of the five years of my life as a business reporter covering one generic product launch after the other. They were mostly the same bland, uninspiring productions with lousy sound and missed cues.

Now, every time someone asks me to host a launch, I groan and start running through the excuses in my head why I can’t do it. “My cat is sick and I have to babysit her” apparently isn’t good grounds to be released, especially if you don’t own a cat to start with. So here’s a revolutionary idea: Why don’t we launch something only when it is really ready? Forget ground breakings, unveilings and other miscellaneous apologies for progress, do the real thing or go home.

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PERENNIAL FAVOURITE

Ngugi wa Thiong’o misses Nobel Prize, again!

Somebody needs to go to the bottom of the River Honia, in the valley between the villages of Makuyu and Kameno, and inquire of the gods what is happening. For more years than anyone cares to count, Prof Ngugi wa Thiong’o has been “a favourite” to win the Nobel Prize for Literature.

And for all those years that nobody cares to count anymore, he has come out empty-handed. The last African winner of the Literature Prize was South African-born Nadine Gordimer, in 1991. Before her, the excellent Nigerian writer Wole Soyinka had brought home the honours in 1986.

I had the privilege of meeting Prof Thiong’o this year and his extraordinary literary family and was thoroughly impressed. At 77, and 40 books later, his mind is still as sharp as ever and he’s probably one of the most underrated public intellectuals of our time.

His thoughts on teaching and speaking of mother tongues in school are nothing counter-intuitive and well thought out. His pan-African credentials are incontestable and the only disappointment for me is that he’s all the way there in America and not here spreading his unique brand of awesomeness.

Should we go “Haki Yetu!” on the Nobel Committee?

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STRANGE TIMES

Turbulence at Air France

“I am sure that, like all of us, you were shocked by the events that took place at the end of Air France’s Central Works Council meeting last Monday.” I was, but I didn’t expect Frédéric Gagey and the teams at Air France to know that.

But they did and emailed me to remind me that the airline was there for me. The events referenced are, of course, violent protests that saw activists rip the shirts of at least two executives. They’re upset at job cuts the airline is making to stay profitable after losing money since 2008.

“In a highly competitive world, Air France needs to take brave steps to ensure its future as a leading airline with global ambitions,” the email reminded me.

So you see, it’s not just Kenya Airways and South African Airways having financial trouble. Even higher prices do not necessarily guarantee profitability, as the KQ case has proved. These are turbulent times.