KITOTO: Is divorce to blame for my son’s defiance?

For the last one year, my older son has been behaving strangely. I am suspecting that he is doing hard drugs because of the company he keeps. He has moved out of home to live alone and avoids me whenever I try to reach out to him. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Divorce can have long-term effects on a marriage and family more than people think.
  • The feeling of regret is part of that journey.
  • Children from a divorced background will face one battle after another from peers, schoolmates, society or even have issues with their self-esteem.

I  sought divorce from my husband of 15 years some time ago due to irreconcilable differences. It took time for me to get over the anger and bitterness, especially when I remembered how much I was dedicated to my marriage. There are many issues that troubled our union, and we sought counselling from our pastor, best couple, family and a counsellor. However, none of the interventions bore fruit.

When we finally divorced, I got custody of our children. A working mum, a single parent, bills to pay and parenting pre-teens was not what I had wished. Worse still, I was not spared harsh judgement by the society.

Although he would occasionally support our children financially, he was not there physically any more. I have sometimes wished that I re-married so that I could get someone to give me the much needed support.

Years later, he remarried and left parenting to me. It has been eight years since the divorce. For the last one year, my older son has been behaving strangely. I am suspecting that he is doing hard drugs because of the company he keeps. He has moved out of home to live alone and avoids me whenever I try to reach out to him. I am so frustrated. Maybe I should not have pushed for the divorce. Are my son’s actions caused by the divorce and the fact that his father does not care about our children anymore?

 

Hello there,

Divorce is messy and at times complicated. I am sorry for all you are going through. There is nothing as tough for a mother as seeing her child fall apart before her eyes. My prayer is that you don’t lose heart. The recovery and restoration of your son will depend a lot on the support systems he will have. You have been his close friend so far. It is important to take recognise the fact that in marriages where families were close, divorce could lead to depression.

According to an article that I read recently on Focus on the Family, people often view divorce as a way to end their infighting, however, problems do not necessarily go away after divorce. They may subside, but with time, anger and at times a feeling of animosity could increase. In addition, if you fail to face the issues that made your marriage fail, they will not be resolved by entering into a second marriage. A second marriage is not a solution to your son’s behaviour. What he needs is that you remain a good friend and more so, you commit to finding him the support he needs to retrace his life. Such support may include counselling.

Divorce can have long-term effects on a marriage and family more than people think. The feeling of regret is part of that journey. Children from a divorced background will face one battle after another from peers, schoolmates, society or even have issues with their self-esteem.

Through many years of counselling, I have come to believe that marriage has a special place in any family. This is the one thing that many people plan for, work hard for, and wait long to have. As a result, a marriage becomes more than two people living together to blending of dreams, desires and aspirations. When a divorce happens, it rips everything apart. Divorced parents also suffer in their relationships with their children.

Partners who end up not taking custody of the children tend to be less involved, thus leaving a gap that may take time to fill. In such a case, a child’s relationship with the parent may end up getting damaged. Chances are that this child may have challenges healing fully if not given the needed support. Children who have been disrupted this way have a high chance of relating poorly with their fathers.

Creating support systems for our children helps them to navigate the journey that they never chose for themselves better. Children with the will to succeed after their parents divorce tend to come from families which communicate effectively and work together for their success.

The emotional and psychological reaction of children immediately after their parents’ divorce varies depending on different factors. For example, how was the quality of their relationship before the divorce happened, how intense and prolonged was the conflict between their parents, and are their parents focused on helping them as they face this trauma? When proper mentoring is not provided for the children, they feel left alone to find answers and meaning of life. This can lead to desperation, making them enter any door they find open.

 Part of the struggle your son is facing could be tied to what he has been through. You will only know whether he has been suppressing issues which have now burst forth if you get him a good counsellor.

It is necessary to appreciate the fact that children absorb a lot from their past experiences and association with the pain and joys their parents went through or carried along in the marriage.

Children may have picked this through watching their parents fight or abuse each other. The trauma faced by children through such acts of abuse, separation and divorce may be suppressed and could tear their dreams apart. With time, these effects could manifest in various  behaviours in adulthood. 

 

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]

 

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WAYS TO BUILD A STABLE MARRIAGE

 

1. Build your marriage on an open, inclusive, and dynamic communication platform that does not embrace a threatening or intimidating environment. Full disclosure of information is healthy. Intimidation only tells the other person that their presence and opinions don’t really matter. I know I am valued when I can be allowed to contribute freely.

 

2. Build an environment that embraces mutual respect and support. The level of sacrifice is measured by the value we place on the person and the bond that ties the couple together. Commitment to a marriage cannot be divorced from the commitment one has on the person they are married to. Love is a choice to value the other person for who they are.

 

3. Give each other space to make mistakes. A safe environment builds maturity in the way spouses handle each other. A great relationship is one where we are free to question when things go wrong instead of blaming each other. We also need to affirm each other whether things are going well or not.

 

4. Embrace an environment of honest evaluation. Do you feel free to ask anything from your partner without feeling like you will be rebuked or your words will be used against you?

 

5. Be one and the same person in all circumstances. Predictability is necessary in cultivating trust. The issue here is whether your partner can believe you and take you at your word. 

 

 

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Trauma shows itself in children in various ways:

 They could become withdrawn.

 Anger and erratic behaviour.

 Low self-esteem

 Poor or subdued expression of oneself through areas such as academics and association with others 

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Here are ways in which a parent can help their children navigate traumatic moments in their life. 

  1.  Process your emotions maturely before them.

  2.  Don’t show hatred or negative attitude towards your partner before your children.

  3.  Ensure the children know that they are loved no matter what.

  4.  Let them be aware that you don’t blame them.

  5.  Explain only what they can handle.

  6.  Encourage open and unhindered communication at home.

  7.  Pay attention to the people whom your children associate with.