It is our values that determine our choices

IN ONE OF HIS FAMOUS quotes, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, the well-known leader of the Indian independence movement, said, “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.”

Yet when one is looking for someone to marry, do they ever bother to consider the person’s values? We live in a society with reduced values. The result is the emergence of a culture inconsistent with civil behaviour, to put it mildly. As a result, relationships are driven by selfishness, cruelty, dishonesty, and lust. This lust is demonstrated in different ways, including the way we treat each other. Selfishness has driven us to a busy lifestyle that has created many lonely spouses and families.

As American author, poet, and philosopher Henry David Thoreau wrote, “It is not enough to be busy. The question is, ‘What are we busy about?’”

We certainly need to determine whether something is worth our time and attention. Because we live in such a materialistic world, the temptation is to chase after “success” at the expense of everything else. It is sad that many children with parents live as if they are orphans. And the number of lonely spouses is increasing in many marriages.

I believe if our spouses and children were important to us, we would care for and pay attention to them. We would spend time with them. Spending time has everything to do with what we value. Giving time validates a person. Once you have made your loved ones your priority, you can move to the next level and decide what you want your family to stand for.

EMOTIONAL VACUUM

Today, parents in many families are permanently busy and have too many cares, leaving an emotional vacuum in their relationships with other family members. The choices we make in relationships are governed by how much we value such relationships.

The question is whether one can be in a relationship they do not hold in high esteem. Since most relationships are driven by self-centredness and egocentrism, the result is a lifestyle based on personal gain as opposed to becoming others-centred.

In relationships, we must reach a point where we can say, “My spouse needs me, so I will give them priority in such a way that this is seen in my choices towards them.” When we glorify self at the expense of a “we” attitude in relationships, the message we are sending to our partner is that we do not need them.

“Possessions, outward success, publicity, luxury — to me these have always been contemptible. I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best for both the body and the mind,” renowned physicist Albert Einstein once said.

Selfish gain has, in turn, left many people in relationships wounded and hurting, with many families threatened with disintegration.
Wrong choices have led some into wrong relationships and left many individuals hurting, feeling isolated, or living in fear.

The family unit that was meant to be a place of safety has now become the place where the dreams of the young and innocent are destroyed by poor choices. It is, therefore, important to choose wisely. To avoid making wrong choices, make a bold effort to:

1. Stop keeping the company of people who affect you negatively. Instead, befriend people who add value to your life.

2. Refuse to change just because you do not see a way out. Avoid getting involved with a partner with the hope that things will be different this time around. This could tie you into a pattern that could negatively affect you.

3. Stop dating a partner who openly and persistently flirts with others or even cheats on you.

4. Avoid dating or allowing yourself to associate with a partner who criticises everything you say or do, making you feel small and unappreciated.

5. Stop thinking or believing that you do not deserve better.

It is sad that we sometimes date abusive partners who make us miserable. We must believe that we deserve better. Consequently, it is only possible to change when we realise that the choice is in our hands. When we understand that we need affirmation, respect, and love, we will take bold steps to protect who we are.