Want to fight fair? These are the rules that will keep you in check

Conflict is inevitable in relationships.

As I did some reading recently, I came across an interesting statement; that it is important to make friends quickly with our opponents while on the way to court, otherwise we might just end up in prison.

With this in mind, when it comes to relationships, it is important to swallow your pride and reach out to your spouse in times of conflict. Giving each other a cold shoulder or taking the higher moral ground will not do you any favours. It pays to be in good terms with each other, to be a team. My advice is that you do whatever it takes to restore your relationship.

In my many years of counselling, I have observed that couples who employ correct conflict management invite growth into their relationship. Jack and Judith Balswick, both marriage counsellors, suggest a couple of ways you can use to deal with conflict. I have rephrased them so that they can make sense in our context. 

1. Handle one challenge at a time:

Identify the real problem and deal with it. If there is more than one, focus on one at a time and do not veer from it until you find a solution, this is what proper conflict management demands. Also avoid making it personal. Where compromise will help bring a win-win result, take it. The idea is to stick to the issue and reach a compromise in seeking a solution.

2. Choose the time and place:

The environment in which you discuss the problems giving you sleepless nights can either contribute to an amicable solution or escalate the problem. Agree on a neutral place that is free of distraction, and one where you both feel comfortable.

3. Be prepared:

Don’t be vague in your argument or presentation. Throwing arguments all over the place will just make you irritable and might lead to confrontation. Have in mind what you need to communicate - even better, write it down and do it without allowing emotions to cloud your thought line and judgement. Do it with respect too.

4. Go beyond past hurts:

Don’t concentrate on who hurt who. Do not use the past as a weapon to control your partner. Seek to win the other person over rather than focusing on winning the fight. Past hurts are the biggest baggage you can carry into this discussion. Don’t allow it to obscure the end result.

5Don’t throw surprise punches:

Being emotional in a conflicting situation can make you say what you did not mean to say. Stay sober and focused because this is what is needed to resolve every problem. Remember that the aim is not to shame or apportion blame, the aim is to resolve the problem. 

6. Don’t make it a boxing match:

Conflict management is not about who wins the fight or throws the best blows. If conflict brought pain and hurt, the idea is to use the restoration process to bring healing and accountability. Saying sorry and seeking reconnection must be done honestly and with the right motive. Conflict management must help us learn important lessons that will improve our relationship.

7. Don’t hit you partner below the belt:

In boxing, the aim is to score points and tire your opponent with the intention of making them weak mentally and physically, so that you can throw the winning punch. You however are not allowed to hit your opponent below the belt. While talking things out with your partner, avoid the temptation to say anything hurtful, irrelevant, and unfair just because you want to win. True, your partner possess areas of weakness, but you should not use them as an opportunity to gain leverage.

8. Don’t ridicule your partner:

It is unfair to turn a peace discussion into a comparison game, where we taunt our partner or use dismissive or derogatory language. Everyone has a right to be heard and validated. If your conflict management style can’t do this, and instead makes the other feel dismissed and ignored, then yours is an exercise in futility.

9. Veto power:

In marriage, using veto power to gain advantage on the argument at hand is unfair and a sign of immaturity. It benefits the relationship when both parties feel that they have been heard and that they have learned from the situation.

10. Set clear boundaries:

The values a couple embrace help in placing demarcations of what a spouse can say to the other during conflict. Values such as respect, empathy and honour are key in helping to streamline the discussion to avoid it veering off the right path.