My husband is a serial cheater and my in-laws want me to raise the children of his mistresses

After 30 years of marriage, I am not sure I want to remain in my marriage anymore. I have had to deal with infidelity all through my marriage and my husband even has two children with other women. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • Whatever excuse we might give, having an affair hurts the other person more, and building back the intimacy you once had will be harder. Because sex needs to remain spontaneous in a marriage, the marriage must also be dynamic and spontaneous in every sense of the word

Dear Kitoto,

I urgently need the contacts of a marriage counsellor because after 30 years of marriage, I am not sure I want to remain in my marriage anymore. I have had to deal with infidelity all through my marriage and my husband even has two children with other women.

His excuse is that it took me a while to get more children after my first child; my firstborn is 26 years old while my second child is 13 and the last is 12. When I was expecting my lastborn my husband’s mistress was also pregnant and, to avoid the shame, he tried to force me to terminate my pregnancy. Even after that he has continued cheating.

What is really upsetting me is that his parents, who are Christians (his father is a canon), are advocating for all my husband’s children to grow up together and develop a relationship “because they come from one father”.

My in-laws told my parents to talk to me so that the other children can come to my house to see their father, and if I have a problem with that the children can meet at their paternal grandparents’ place.

I feel that this was in bad faith because when it was brought up, we were going through another crisis: my husband was cheating on me with yet another woman and I had involved my parents. I am a born-again Christian and have worked so hard to sustain my marriage and bring up three children in a godly manner. My husband’s elder brother has three wives and his personal life is quite a mess and if that is the direction his folks want our marriage to go, I am not ready.

My husband  has finally accepted to go for marriage counselling and I need to follow up before he changes his mind. I really need your help.

Prayerful Wife

 

Hello,

My feeling is that you are going through a lot of emotional pain resulting from how you have been treated and all you have come to discover about your husband. For a start, his promiscuity is causing you pain. This has to be dealt with if there is going to be any form of reconnection.

Second, you are right; you should take advantage of his desire to get help. In the meantime, let me give you some advice. Most relationships enter the phase of unfaithfulness by one or both partners for several reasons. Whoever starts the cycle of unfaithfulness will find it hard to stop.

Here are some of the reasons people give for having extra-marital affairs: 1: Lack of sexual satisfaction in marriage. 2: A desire for more adventurous sexual encounters 3: Lack of emotional fulfilment in marriage. 4: The desire to get validation from outside the marriage. 5: Growing emotional distance between both partners. 6: Falling in love with someone else. 7: Revenging your partner’s unfaithfulness and, 8: Looking for new life and sexual experiences.

Whatever excuse we might give, having an affair hurts the other person more, and building back the intimacy you once had will be harder. Because sex needs to remain spontaneous in a marriage, the marriage must also be dynamic and spontaneous in every sense of the word. What I am hearing from you is a combination of issues: First, you have a man who has been unfaithful to you, and, second, the fact that your in-laws seem to encourage his behaviour is worrying. However, you have a marriage to defend and children and a husband to fight for. Your engagement in prayer and seeking godly counsel is key for you. You must remain sober to succeed.

Third, there seem to be many unresolved issues in your relationship that are eroding your foundation of good friendship. As a result, there is need for you to sit with a counsellor and talk through these issues one by one. A clogged heart and mind will only add pain and diminish your ability to fight for the good that is left. The fact that the brother has three wives should not worry you. You can still surmount these issues and remain faithfully committed to each other.