My abusive boyfriend wants me back even though I have moved on with life

Dear Kitoto,

I broke up with my ex after three years of dating and three years of living together.

He had introduced me to his family but I never did the same on my end because I have no family. My mother, who was a single mother, died when I was three and my only sibling is my long lost sister who I talk to on the phone once in a while.

I got pregnant with this man in May 2013 and delivered our son in January 2014.

This pregnancy was out of a mutual agreement, I had finished college and had a job. His family was also happy for us, and his mother and the father liked me a lot. I felt that he was to be my husband for life.

When I met him, I was in my first year at the university, he lied to me about his age saying that he was 28 but one day, I came across his national identity card and it indicated that he was born in  1976.

He was unemployed but could drink from morning to evening and kept bad company. I also later found out he was seeing another girl but they broke up in 2011.

The main reason I stayed in this relationship for six years was because, I kept hoping that he would change for the better, find a job and make something out of himself but this never happened. Every time he got a job, he would lose it in less than two months.

On the day of delivery, he was out drinking with his boys and even after that he would still bring his boys into the house and behave badly and even mistreat my house girl.

When I lost my job, his parents gave us one of their houses and would cater for all our needs and this depressed me a lot. In October last year, I begun feeling like I wanted to opt out. I discussed his behaviour with his parents but they just said that he will change and that I should be patient.

At some point, they even thought that I was lying about his behaviour..

In December last year, he came home drunk having slept out the night before. When I confronted him, he became unruly and even beat me saying he would kill me. I left with my son the next day and went to a friends house where we lived with my son for one month while looking for a house. I left him with everything I had bought with my own sweat and decided to start afresh. I met this new man, we dated until May and then he became serious and we moved in together.

All along, my ex has never called or cared to know how we were doing. He started calling in June this year wanting us to get back together but I told him that  I have already moved on. He even asked his parents to talk to me.

I love my current man, and he loves me too. He is responsible, drinks but not irresponsibly and talks of our future more often. He however has fears that I might get back with my ex.

He has three children out of wedlock with three different women — a fact he has never hidden. He told me that the relationships just never worked and that the women just got the children without his consultation. I understand him and cannot judge him My fear is that what if this relationship never works out and I end up letting go of the father of my son?

My current man is not perfect but I can cope with the flaws. We have so much in common but there is still that fear in both of us. Please advise.

Genevieve

Hi,

I really do not know what commitment the two of you had towards each other and the relationship. It looks like your foundation was shaky and lacking in the solid values that help a relationship stand.

When this relationship did not work, the chances of repeating the same mistakes are high. In relationships, how soon one gets into another relationship after break up will reveal a lot about how you view yourself and the role other people play in your life.

You seem to accuse your previous man of several issues including alcoholism that led him to physically abuse you. He also does not seemed focused and lacks good accountability. Although his parents are supportive, I really don’t think the two of you are on the same page on what makes a great relationship.

Your move from the first relationship to the one you are in may have needed more processing on the issues at hand and whether enough was done to make things work. Otherwise your fears of him getting back into your life will not be an issue. The same applies to how your current boyfriend dealt with the previous relationships from which he has children.

This is much tougher than you think. 

Studies have  shown that, breaking up is an extremely difficult, and painful process depending on how close the relationship was and what the two people shared. In your case, there are also children from multiple partners —  an issue that will need resolving.

The processing of the break up was not taken with the seriousness it deserves, and this could sending you into an emotional crisis or relational crisis. This is what ends up clouding the mind from thinking clearly and making sound decisions.

Consequently, knowing if you are jumping into another relationship too soon after a breakup is key to building a stable future. This includes how one handles baggage so that it does not negatively influence their future relationships with other people.

Many of us are grumpy and generally difficult to be around because of how we process a break up. In addition, I see several other issues from your communication: First, with the end of a long term serious relationship (in your case, where a child was involved), one would need months to get back to a place where they are satisfied on how they handled themselves, and whether they did all that needed to be done so as to avoid going back and wondering “what if?”

I see this is what both of you are going through. When you are satisfied in with how you handled yourself, you will be able to truly evaluate any new relationships independent of past baggage.

Second, hurting people hurt people. If you are still hurting from the previous break up, or have hang ups that were nor fully resolved, look for ways to close that chapter before moving on. This is not the kind go baggage you need to carry along with you. The problem with many relationships is allowing ourselves to feel desperate for another partner soon after break up. This confuses the your emotional system by not allowing the body, mind and your emotions to process what just happened and how it impacted you.

Third, when a partner is not fully over their former boyfriend, it can cause problems in the future. This could involve small and big issues that needed further attention during the season leading to the break up. I see it in you. Initially, you seemed sure of the fact that you were through with your previous man. When he resurfaces and calls you, it gets you all mixed up in some ways. What makes you not so sure?

You need to deal with yourself first and what you really are looking for in relationships. I think this is where part of the problem lies. When you knew that the issues of alcohol and physical abuse were a danger to your relationship, the steps you took to address the situation should put you to rest about whether he can ever get back into your life again or not. Forth, the fear to be alone seems to make many get into any relationship that presents itself or hang on to persons that would never suit them for a partner. Together with this, since we have not settled emotionally, the chances are that with time, we will be jumping from one relationship to the other for fear of being left alone.

You have to remember that it is only you who knows what you really want and don’t want in a relationship. Relational intelligence tells us to count the cost. Why do I want this over that? Also, taking time to address your emotional and mental state will help you know when you find that match who will play their rightful role in your future. You need to overcome the temptation constantly comparing your former with the current because there is no way two people can be alike. Allison Cohen, MA, MFT adds that, true ‘readiness’ comes from understanding why you broke up to begin with. When your differences and core issues become crystal clear, you place context around the split and come to accept that your boyfriend was never meant to be your husband. With this knowledge, you are able to move forward with the clarity and make smarter decisions.

Of crucial importance also is to know why your current boyfriend feels right to you. Remember that he has had his share of break ups and other associated issues that may need both of you to address to the core. Whether you should have your former boyfriend or the current man in your life will solely depend on how you process through these issues.