Her requests for money are straining our relationship

At some point my girlfriend started asking for money, yet I am not employed.

Monday March 7 2016

At some point my girlfriend started asking for money, yet I am not employed. When I tell her that I don’t have any, she complains that I don’t care about her, and that I am more concerned about  my own issues. PHOTO | FILE

At some point my girlfriend started asking for money, yet I am not employed. When I tell her that I don’t have any, she complains that I don’t care about her, and that I am more concerned about  my own issues. PHOTO | FILE NATION MEDIA GROUP

By PHILIP KITOTO
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Hi,

I have been in a relationship for one-and-a-half years and for a while things were okay. However, at some point my girlfriend started asking for money, yet I am not employed. When I tell her that I don’t have any, she complains that I don’t care about her, and that I am more concerned about  my own issues.

There has been tension between us for almost three weeks now.

What should I do?

 

Hi,

Dating is a great stage in life, particularly when we know the important values we need to embrace in a relationship. Many people start a relationship and make too many mistakes and later feel hurt and misused because they lacked the kind of foundation needed for a  relationship to thrive.

Some basic things to take into consideration include knowing your partner well. Get to know their likes, dislikes, weaknesses and strengths and how these affect their behaviour in the relationship.

When this is done well, it helps one not make the mistakes amateurs make in dating and choosing the kind of spouse they would want. Relationships are enriched when each spouse is aware of the other’s qualities.

You are right now struggling with a weakness in your partner that has to do with money. Being sure of these qualities and how they impact the relationship is key for you. You need to explore how the two of you can come to the same understanding about money. I Suggest  you  sit down with a counsellor or a mentor couple that both of you respect.

Personally, I needed a wife who would compliment me and not stress me on issues. That is why in relationships, we do better when we are each other’s encourager and companion.

RELATIONSHIPS NEEDS VISION

The ability to communicate openly without blaming each other is another basic quality that you need to embrace as you build common ground on money issues. It is only when you are married that you discuss issues such as how much money is coming in,   how you will spend it and on what.  But if you are not married, who determines how the money is spent when it is still not considered jointly owned?

The demands she is making now are worrying because she has no right to stress the relationship by making demands that will impoverish you. I would have expected that at the dating stage, both of you would work towards learning how budgets are drawn up and the things that influence the decisions people make about money in marriage.

When looking for a potential marriage partner, communication is key since it is like the blood that runs through the body. Since you are still dating, the two of you need to agree on such issues as finances. As you communicate, try to deal with the issue at hand without letting it  distract you to begin other unnecessary fights.

Finally, both of you need a common dream or vision for the relationship. What do you feel should be driving your relationship? I get the sense that money is currently the big driver between you and your partner. If you can, come to the same page; you don’t want to end up marrying someone who, once you are married, will stress you with demands that might be hard to fulfill.

You must discuss this fully and reach an agreement on how you will handle money.

Since conflict is unavoidable, I believe your conflict over money is a good test for your relationship. It is raising an issue in the relationship that has made many spouses separate later in marriage. As a result, it is important to seek out someone who is tolerant, willing to discuss, get feedback and values consultation before arriving at decisions. Otherwise making demands will only  tire the relationship. When one’s spouse is sensitive to their partner’s needs, it adds value and makes both partners feel important and affirmed in the relationship.

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