How do I truly make up with my unfaithful wife?

My wife had an affair with my best man. We talked it over, discussed it with our pastor and reconnected. But things have never been the same since. She has confessed to having had three other affairs; one with an office mate, another with a former college mate and yet another her boss. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • Her parents blame me, saying I spoilt their daughter. They keep coming to her defence whenever we call for reconciliation.
  • I have two sons with her whom I adore. If I leave, what will they think of me when they grow up. I married late; I am in my fifties and fear starting all over again. We don’t share a bed anymore. I am so confused.

Hi,

We have been married for 10 years and have two children.

The first three years were great. Then my wife had an affair with my best man. We talked it over, discussed it with our pastor and reconnected. But things have never been the same since.

She has confessed to having had three other affairs; one with an office mate, another with a former college mate and yet another her boss.

Her parents blame me, saying I spoilt their daughter. They keep coming to her defence whenever we call for reconciliation.

What do I do? I have two sons with her whom I adore. If I leave, what will they think of me when they grow up. I married late; I am in my fifties and fear starting all over again. We don’t share a bed anymore. I am so confused.

Hi,

There are several issues that stand out from your e-mail. First, I must commend you for having been there for your family despite the rough times you have been through with your wife. It has definitely been a rocky path for the two of you, and the family as a whole. I really can’t say I have the full picture of what caused your wife to do what she did. Marriage is about being faithful. It is clear from your mail the dilemma you find yourself in due to her actions.

On the other hand, you have said very little about yourself. From my many years as a counseller, I would suggest that you take time and look back to see if there are issues that could have, and continue, to push her away from you. If not, then it is important to look at the reasons that make you remain committed. Are these reasons enough to make you pay the price for restoration?

Remember, 10 years of marriage with two children carries with it a history that appears like a double-edged sword. On the one hand, there is the need to celebrate the children you have from your union. These children are the joy of your life and need a stable home and parents who can love and nurture them, as well as a dependable future in which they can realise their dreams.

On the other hand, there is the pain that you are experiencing as a result of your wife’s actions. Your wife’s weakness seems to have cut through your marriage and threatens to tear the family apart.

WALK TOGETHER

Healing and restoration in such matters is not like patching up a pair of trousers. Since marriage is a union that goes beyond physical attachments, it is important for both of you to seek to restore  your marriage to  where it was before the innocence was stolen. However, you did not say much about the process(es) you used in the past to try and restore your relationship.

Two people cannot walk together unless they are agreed. A marital union involves an emotional physical, psychological and spiritual union. With your wife’s confession that she had multiple affairs, it is obvious that she broke that trust. Restoration calls for a commitment on her part to walk towards healing and restoration. Some people find it hard to  overcome sexual addiction. It feels almost as if they are under the influence of an external force. However, with proper counselling, your wife can overcome it. But she has to be willing.

If your desire is to seek your wife’s healing, I suggest that you help her find help. Since you don’t sleep together, I am not sure whether she is still carrying on with the habit.

As you continue being a parent to your children, I encourage you to ignore your in-law’s accusations and walk with your wife. I hope that the way you desire that your children have a father, is the same way their mother also wants them to have a mother. 

It has been said in this column before that it takes two to make a relationship work. I suggest that you consider what is best for your family and ask yourself if you are willing to make the necessary sacrifice to see that happen.

Also, remember that, regardless of what started this spiral of affairs, it is possible to end it. So instead of judging your wife, help her. But at the end of the day, the choice is yours. Of course, starting all over again is not easy, but neither is living in separate rooms.

In summary:

  • First, ask yourself whether you still worry about her the way you worry about yourself?

  • Second, are you willing to help her abandon her ways.

  • Third, what price are willing to pay for reconciliation and restoration?

  • Fourth, if you feel it is over between the two of you, watch how you relate so that you don’t influence the children negatively.

All the best.