I cannot afford to lose my family...

Pastor Kitoto,

I am going through a tough time, and I am worried about where my life is headed. I need help to see whether my marriage can be saved for my sake and that of my wife, as well as our children.

My wife has given up on our marriage and lost faith in me, and is not interested in seeking help to try and mend our relationship. We lived separate lives for a week in the past year before she finally packed up and left me two months ago. The bone of contention is that our two children have long-running health problems that have caused a lot of pain and friction between us.

The involvement of my in-laws made things worse – they blame me and my side of the family for these health issues. When my wife left, I just could not concentrate on work and was eventually sacked because I was underperforming.

I fear that if I continue like this, I will lose it.

Hello there,

I really empathise with what you and your wife have been through. No doubt, you have been through lots of stress. I don’t have your wife’s side of the story, but since you are the one that has reached out, I will shed light on areas I feel are pertinent to your case.

First, there is need to forgive yourself where you feel you have failed and could have done better to save your marriage and keep your job. This pain you carry needs to be dealt with first to enable you to be sober in your thinking and feelings towards those around you. You also have to deal with the fact that you feel aggrieved by your in-laws for meddling in your affairs.

I am sure the medical condition that your two children have is something a medical doctor would conclusively explain to hopefully put a stop to the blame game that has obviously been going on. Your doctor would therefore be a great place to start. What should be important in such a situation is that your children need the loving care of both of you.

Second, acknowledge that the responsibility of taking care of children with special needs will always come with challenges. Feeling sorry for yourself is a sure way of getting into depression. No doubt, losing your wife and then losing your job is a big blow that can unsettle anyone, but if you want to save your marriage and get your life on course once more, you need to shake yourself up and start living again.

Things will be better with time. This is a season that will pass if you face it with determination. People lose jobs all the time and find others. Others get sick and get well in the long run. Marriages go through a rocky patch but are mended as long as the couple is still committed to making it work. Do not lose faith and do not allow despair to take over your life because this will only aggravate the problems you have.

UNRESOLVED ISSUES

When problems are left unresolved for a long time, it becomes more difficult to find a solution. From what you have told me, it appears that the two of you allowed this issue to fester for a long time. What you need to do now, even though you say you have tried, is to get your wife to see a counsellor with you, or someone else that can help you. 

A counsellor will help you do an honest evaluation of your marriage. A good counsellor will help you deal with your divergent views and draw you together towards a common path of healing and working on the problems the two of you are facing.

In the course of the counselling sessions, you need to find out the actual cause of the initial feeling of distance between you and your wife. Was it the children’s health or something else entirely? If so, why? Is it that both of you questioned why this came about instead of focusing on a solution? Could it be that the distance was the result of one of you feeling that they had been left to do all the work?

Also, did you get to totally understand your children’s illness to understand the kind of psychosocial support they needed to lead an optimum life? If you did not, this explains the inner frustration and pain that you and wife are going through now, as well as the distance between the two of you.

Also, if your wife did not feel your support, there are chances that others took advantage of this and fed her information that started the blame game from your in-laws. Note that this is just speculation on my side. Since you are the one who has the full story, use these probing questions to get to the bottom of the matter. 

Lack of willful commitment

If your wife felt abandoned by you, (this is something she can shed light on) you need to commit to doing things differently if your relationship is to work out. She needs to see a different you, not just through verbal promises, but through deeds.

That said, whether it is you dealing with your current pain and the difficult problems you face and move towards healing and restoration, or whether it is seeking reconciliation with your wife and children, there has to be willful commitment from your part. What sacrifices are you willing to make to see this happen?

As for your job, I suggest that you pull yourself together and go back to your employer, honestly explain what led to your underperformance at work, and explain that you are getting help. You will be surprised at how much empathetic people can be in such situations. If you don’t manage to get your job back, don’t despair, simply start looking for another one - this will be the first step of taking responsibility over your life.

I suggest that you reach out to your wife and children if she left with them, but don’t give her undue pressure to return. If it takes you visiting them regularly wherever they are as you try to patch things up, then do it.

If you manage to win back her trust, then it will be harder for your in-laws to negatively influence her actions. Interference from in-laws is common in marriage, however, where a couple stand on common ground where various issues are concerned, it keeps most doors they would have used to enter and meddle closed. 

Deal with the stress, pronto

Stress has a way of infecting those it touches quickly. If you are stressed and fail to deal with the unresolved issues affecting you, it will destroy your marriage. Unresolved problems obscure the view and dialogue. We tend to evaluate everything the other person is doing through that obscured lens. Clean your lenses.

Blame is cancerous

In marriage, the blame game is as old as creation. Out of selfishness, the first couple on earth did it, and look what happened to them. In the end, the pointing of fingers did not benefit them. Blame speaks a lot about how spouses see and process things differently in a marriage.

Sadly, it does more than injure the faith, trust and love we have towards each other. Blame has the power to manufacture bitterness, resentment and anger. This of course leads to wide distance between two people that had once been close. I have stated many times here that there are no winners or losers when we choose to walk this path of blame. In the end we all lose.

Henry Cloud and John Townsend, in their book, Rescue your Love life, says that a relationship gains focus, healing and strength when each spouse shines the light of change on themselves and sees their own issues, baggage, hurts, weakness and faults, with the aim of seeking to make changes.

Blame obscures reality and unfairly crucifies the other person. Even where it is obvious who has made a mistake, we should be committed to our marriage enough to forgive, learn from our mistakes and move on.

The authors add, “Changing your own attitudes can do great things for you and your marriage.” Never forget that the key to improving your marriage is changing yourself.

The problem starts when you shine the spotlight on your spouse, forcing him, (or her) to feel like he is the only one in the wrong and therefore needs to change. Changing your personal view of others opens up the door for newness to flow through the way you think and treat others. Your actions and communication will follow the same trend as you change our attitude.

I wish you the best as you work towards getting your marriage and family back.