KITOTO: I fear my lover is older than me

Pastor Kitoto,

I am a reader of your column ever Monday, thank you for your good work.

I am a confused man as I write this. I am in love with a woman I suspect is two years older than me. I say suspect because she completed school two years ahead of me. I have asked her how old she is but she refuses to tell me.

The other issue is that she is more educated than I am, although I plan to go back to university to further my education. My question is, is it right to continue dating her with these two issues in mind? I consulted a friend but he confused me further, saying that there was a reason that God created Adam first. His interpretation was that by creating Adam first, God’s will was that a man should always be older than the woman in a relationship.

He added that my girlfriend would never respect me because I am younger than her.

Let me start by giving some pros and cons of marrying someone older. First, you gain from their experience. Knowledge acquired over time on life issues and relationships may just bring to the relationship the maturity and confidence needed. Second is security. Somehow, older people seem to be more secure because of their ability to deal with the issues life throws at them. Every couple needs to be secure when discussing issues such as money, making adjustments and saving. This goes hand-in-hand with stability. It is possible that with their experience and sense of security, it will be easier to deal with these issues.

On the other hand, older spouses tend to be set in their ways. I guess you have heard of the phrase, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” It is also said that older partners feel insecure more often, afraid that their younger spouse may abandon them, though in your case, if your girlfriend is indeed just two years older than you, you need not worry because this is an insignificant difference.

Coming back to your question, I would suggest that you consider the following: First, determine whether this age difference is a crucial issue for you. If it is, discuss it plainly with your girlfriend. The same applies to the issue of her higher level of education. It appears to me that these two issues make you feel insecure. If they do, you either deal with your insecurity or look for someone that you would feel comfortable to be in a relationship with.

I also have to ask why your girlfriend is reluctant to disclose her age.

That said, your friend was totally off the mark when he insinuated that God’s wish in creating Adam first was that men be older than the women they marry. In addition, the fact that Adam came into being before Eve does not make him superior.

I would also like to suggest that you go back to school only because it will add value to your career, not to compete with your girlfriend. If you do not deal with that insecurity, it could just consume you. I pray that you focus on building a relationship based on love and mutual respect, not mistrust, fear and insecurity.