I suspect my wife is having an affair

When I confronted her, she dismissed the conversation as a joke, saying that she could not have an affair because he is not a serious person. She also said that I lacked a sense of humour to see the joke in the exchange! PHOTO | NATION

What you need to know:

  • I went through my wife’s phone when she came to visit recently and found text messages between her and a former classmate.
  • I initially dismissed it as just flirting with a friend but got concerned when this man wrote in subsequent messages that he was looking forward to making love to my wife and wondered when that opportunity will present itself. My wife replied, “I wonder how that will be like”.
  • The man suggested that they meet, but my wife told him that I might be around, only for him to point out that she could always sneak away.

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

Thank you for the mature and practical advice you offer to readers.

I need your advice about a problem that has been bothering me for some time. I have been married for about 10 years and I believe that my wife and I have a good relationship.

I recently got a job out of the country that will take a year - I have been away for about six months. I went through my wife’s phone when she came to visit recently and found text messages between her and a former classmate.

I initially dismissed it as just flirting with a friend but got concerned when this man wrote in subsequent messages that he was looking forward to making love to my wife and wondered when that opportunity will present itself. My wife replied, “I wonder how that will be like”.

The man suggested that they meet, but my wife told him that I might be around, only for him to point out that she could always sneak away. Either my wife did not answer him, or she deleted her reply. When I confronted her, she dismissed the conversation as a joke, saying that she could not have an affair because he is not a serious person.

She also said that I lacked a sense of humour to see the joke in the exchange! We have been through a similar situation before and she promised not to go that far with “jokes”.

I love and trust my wife, but I fear this is fast eroding my trust, more so when I think of how stupid she thinks I am to believe such nonsense.

I also feel terrible knowing how hard I have tried to avoid the enormous temptations all over to cheat and avoid risky situations as I am deeply committed to this marriage. Kindly give me your honest and professional opinion on whether this is harmless or not.

 

Hi there,

I will be blunt. It appears from your email that the dreams you had concerning your marriage are slowly being blown apart by the discoveries you have made of late. It also appears that you are still hopeful that you could make sense of what is going on. I am convinced that as much as it takes two to make a relationship blossom, it takes just one to walk against the agreed upon terms of engagement to usher in pain and conflict.

Marriage involves commitment - Spouses must make every effort to respect the commitment they make to each other. When this happens, the union becomes a priority, and more important than each spouses’ individual needs. When you seek to fulfill your individual needs at the expense of your partner, this weakens and starves the relationship. A good relationship is one where the husband and wife ask, “How will this affect our relationship?” before they act.

Marriages requires faithfulness and trust, values that help safeguard the relationship. What you are facing right now is a breach of trust. Your wife’s  behaviour is improper. Yes, I said it, hers is improper behaviour. Being faithful means that, “I am in public what I am in private.” 

What your wife is doing is wrong.

In a thriving relationship, a couple must commit to emotional and physical faithfulness. Marriage involves sacrifice. Worth pointing out also is that marriage cannot survive without sacrifice and that love is a choice that requires a certain amount of sacrifice.

Accepting a job outside the country was a major sacrifice on your part – leaving a family that you love behind is not easy, but you needed to take the job to be able to provide for them. However, what you may have not realised is the impact of your long absence.

Long periods of absence from one’s spouse are usually problematic. To begin with, one’s emotional and intimate needs are not met, and this leaves one deprived. If a couple in such a situation does not look for ways of closing this gap or emotional distance, the person feeling most deprived tends to slowly drift away.

The hurt you are going through can only be healed by addressing this gap. My belief is that while you can delegate every other responsibility, you cannot delegate the responsibility you have towards your wife or husband.

Your wife also needs to understand that every decision she makes and everything she does, no matter how minor it seems, has resultant consequences that could positively or negatively affect your marriage.

You also need to face up to the fact that being away from your family for a significant amount of time will have consequences on your marriage – you and your wife therefore need to sit down and talk about this thoroughly and arrive at a workable solution for both of you.

Happy Valentine’s to all the lovers of this column.