I’ve been using and dumping women, and now it’s worrying me

Hi,

Thank you for the great advice in your column.

I desperately need help. As a man, I think I have a problem. I don’t know whether I can really have a long-lasting relationship with a woman.

I have been in and out of countless relationships. My worry  is that I explore a lot  and get tired very fast. I meet a woman and fall in love with her. One moment I am committed and in love.

But once we hook up and become intimate, I lose interest in her. As soon as I have achieved this, I end my relationship with her. My desire has always been to find a nice woman to settle down with and remain faithful. I am now scared of the way I behave.

Hi,

Thank you for being open enough to share your struggles, as well as your desire to seek help. The fact that you have been in multiple relationships raises red flags. It appears that as soon as you achieved your aim in each relationship, you left each woman, possibly hurt and dejected. Since sex did not bring you the intended satisfaction, you kept hopping from one relationship to another.

Although you can relate with women, you have allowed your desires to push you into having sexual relations with multiple women. However, the fact that after being intimate with them you get disinterested and leave them could be and indication of your attitude towards women and sexuality. Is sex just an act to satisfy one’s urges? Are you attracted to the women for anything apart from their bodies?

I suggest that you change this  perspective of women as part of your restoration. Women have a lot to offer in terms of  friendship than men realise.

The point you have reached has caused you to reflect on your life positively. You now desire a friend and companion in a woman and not just a sex partner. Marriage requires commitment to value-based living. So if you’re interested in settling down, I would recommend that you look beyond  sexual fulfilment  and instead look for those characteristics that make a great wife. I also suggest that you begin to position yourself differently. Look at marriage beyond sex, and specifically examine what makes you tired. List these things down and  possibly address them each individually.

The greatest test for you will be whether you can actually stand for the qualities of the kind of wife  you would like to settle down with. Pursue such qualities while at the same time examining what you need to do to be a better man. A potential good husband that a woman would like to settle down with must be willing to treat his  wife with integrity and dignity.

Finally, there could be a need for you to seek personal help from a professional counsellor to walk with you. It looks like you could be struggling with some form of addiction that has been driving you to just be sexually intimate with several women. The only challenge you might have is taming your urge for sex and settling down in a normal relationship.

You also need to address the risks of contracting a disease if you continue with this lifestyle.