I desperately want out of this come-we-stay marriage

Hi Mr Kitoto.

I got married in a come-we-stay marriage at the age of 22. I met my husband when I was only 20 years old. Barely a year after moving in with him, I got pregnant and at 23, gave birth to my first born, a girl. When I was pregnant, I found out that he and a female college mate had planned to spend a night in a lodging but assumed they didn’t. After two years, I gave birth to another child, shortly before I turned 26.

One day he confessed to me that he had cheated on me with another woman. I forgave him and life returned to normal.

I didn’t realise that it was important for him to visit my parents to pay bride price, and he never proposed to do so.

As time went on, I started noticing certain changes in him; for instance, he would claim that he had work to do out of town so he wouldn’t be home for days. Then, three years ago, I learnt that he has a mpango wa kando (mistress); in fact,it looks like he’s married her. He claims that she bewitched him not to leave her. Though he comes home almost daily, the other woman posts his photos as her profile picture on social media. I brought this to his attention and told him to go and join her to reduce the humiliation.  

When I involved our parents, he denied having another wife.

It has become very painful and humiliating because he has not met my parents and doesn’t appear keen to do so even though we have been married for 10 years. Our kids are big and it is difficult to just walk away.  It is so painful to see my youthful life marred by marital confusion, especially given that I am a born-again Christian. He really is a pain in the neck. I have to keep the affair hidden to prevent the kids, who are 10 and eight years old, from seeing this other side of him.

I am confused since I don’t know what to do to end this come-we-stay marriage. Life isn’t fair at all.

Please advise.

Hi,

I really do not see how your desire for him to visit your parents to pay bride price is related to his infidelity. My take is that faithfulness in marriage is a value that must be embraced, irrespective of the circumstances a marriage might be going through. This man cheated on you and his confession should have led to a change in the way he lives. I believe you didn’t deal with   this issue  fully, enabling him go scot-free. Remorse must be followed by responsible behaviour based on tangible actions that show a changed life.

It is clear that with time, your man has perfected the art of living his own life even though you both claim to be married. It is important to separate the issue of his visiting your home and paying bride price from that of his behaviour. In fact, I would be more worried about the second issue. A 10-year of 10 years has a lot of history and emotional connection that makes one wonder whether it is just going to be wasted away.

The path your man has chosen will require that you reflect on certain issues:

First, what does he consider his marital status to be? Does he believe he has married a second wife?

Second, where do you and the children fit in his life?

Third, is he willing to sit with a counsellor so that the two of you can have a sober discussion about your future? However, he has to agree to change himself. You cannot force him to change.

Finally, remember that you married him before you came to know the Lord. Recently, as you have indicated, you came to know the Lord. I would suggest that you commit yourself, his life, and the marriage to prayer. Ask the Lord to give you the right spirit to dea; with him.

As much as you might not approve of  his actions, it is important to note that you are currently the only one who can provide the moral compass for your marriage. Talk to your pastor and seek support from fellow women who have been married longer than you. Their emotional support will be crucial to you.

Seek to continually demonstrate Christian living. This could turn out to be the only hope he needs to change his life.