KITOTO: Don't I deserve to know who my real father is?

I would not say my adoptive father has mistreated me, but I just feel like a fool for not having seen this coming. I feel like walking out, crying out loud. Why did Mum keep this to herself? Didn’t I deserve to know? PHOTO | FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • The circumstances in which you were conceived, where you were born and at what age your mum parted ways with your biological father are all issues you will have to trust  she will disclose to you with time.
  • Some single parents hide such information regarding parentage from their children for personal advantage.
  • Whatever happened in your mum’s  case, she deserves some commendation. Or  are you so disappointed with the way you turned out that you believe if your dad were there things would have been different.

Mr Kitoto,

I am a 24-year-old man. Recently, I visited my aunt from whom I learnt that I was born out of wedlock. Since then my relationship with my parents has been hell. I have very many questions.

There are many things I don’t understand. All I can say is that it was a bad experience that has left me seeking lots of answers.

I would not say my adoptive father has mistreated me, but I just feel like a fool for not having seen this coming. I feel like walking out, crying out loud. Why did Mum keep this to herself? Didn’t I deserve to know?

 

Hi,

It is clear that this revelation has really affected you emotionally. These emotions, if not managed, will soon spoil the relationship you currently enjoy with your mum and the only dad who has taken care of you all this time.

I am really sorry that your mother did not come out openly to talk about your biological dad. I can only guess that she did not want to disclose this information for reasons best known to her. Whether she was hiding something or protecting you, only time will tell. But for now, your parents have done a great job bringing you to where you are.

One can only guess the circumstances surrounding your birth. Could it have had consequences she was trying to keep you from? The circumstances in which you were conceived, where you were born and at what age your mum parted ways with your biological dad are all issues you will have to trust  she will disclose to you with time.

However, whether such disclosure could have caused problems between her and your current or biological dad, only she can tell. These are all issues worth reflecting on. She has also been through a tough journey of her own.

In addition, you current dad deserves some respect and gratitude. He took you in and cared for you for all these years. As much as you are disappointed, try also to count your blessings.

Some single parents hide such information regarding parentage from their children for personal advantage. Whatever happened in your mum’s  case, she deserves some commendation. Or  are you so disappointed with the way you turned out that you believe if your dad were there things would have been different.

What need to realise is that both the parents and children experience pain when they are faced with a separation or divorce. It is definitely tough on young people and at times can affect their future relationships. Likewise, parents go through their own motions. Where separation is unavoidable, a couple should seek counsel and avoid living in pain or leaving the children confused, deeply wounded, and divided on what to do about their future.

There is a special bond between a father or mother and their child. Where a child was denied this relationship, this pain must be managed. We should never underestimate the love kids have for their parents. Kids are known to carry the hurt of one or both parents even without the parents’ knowledge.

The frustration you are experiencing involves the feeling of being left out of the social life of a person you thought you needed to have been a part of. I suggest that you take time to build on the relationships you currently have. Your mum, dad and siblings are the family you know now. Don’t through this away. Your mother might have not done things the way you would have wanted, but she is still your biological mum, so be thankful.

Do not allow yourself to be frustrated by the fact that you don’t know your dad. You might never know why your mother didn’t tell you about him. Give her time. One day, she will tell you.

INFIDELITY: A MORAL ISSUE OR A LIFESTYLE?

In the last two years we have answered questions from many people hurting as a result of troubled relationships. Whether during courtship or after marriage, many relationships have suffered the scourge of infidelity, violence and divorce. Whatever the causes, with time affairs become complicated and deeply intimate, causing the break-up of many primary unions, leaving spouses and children with unanswered questions that affect their responses to life for a long time.

Affairs are messy and difficult to explain away or resolve. Infidelity does not respect race or how long a couple has been together. Last year I held a seminar on relationships that was attended by both married and single people. During question time, one single woman, sounding somewhat frustrated, made a comment that has been ringing in my ear ever since: “If I get married, my husband’s wedding ring will be soldered to his finger!”

Wow, really!

The truth is, extramarital affairs are common these days. One of the news media outlets in Australia reported that around 70 per cent of all marriages experience an affair. These days, the idea that an intimate union outside marriage is harmless, or for some, even healthy, has become widely accepted.

During a recent visit abroad, I heard a report on a  local television station that 40 per cent of the married people surveyed felt that an affair helped improve the way a couple related. This hit me like a tonne of bricks. Thanks to an increase in extramarital affairs, some have taken advantage and now make it look normal. Today, there are even websites that make it easy for one to enter into an adulterous union.

When someone has an affair the main question people ask is, “Why?”

Meanwhile the betrayed party is left wondering: “How could you do this to me?”, “Where did we go wrong?”

The reasons given for an affair might never be justification enough for the pain the betrayed person goes through. With time, affairs have stopped being a moral issue and have come to be viewed as a lifestyle by some while others consider it a right because that is the way they want to live.

It hurts to see families break because of infidelity. My take from many years of counselling is that affairs deal with the issue of the heart, the values one holds, and the power of choice. Really, the rest are details. The power to have or not to have an affair lies with those with the power to choose. Blaming the innocent party is giving excuses or looking for an opportunity to justify the action.

Those who yield to temptation and have affairs often give a variety of reasons.  They include:

  •   We are no longer friends

  •   Feeling of entitlement; the argument is, “I deserve to be happy.”

  •   Hunger for sexual adventure

  •   We stopped being intimate long ago

  •   Everything is boring, I need some variety and freshness

  •   I am getting something I can’t get in my primary relationship

  •   I have truly fallen in love

  •   My relationship has been bad for a long time

  •   I no longer find my spouse attractive

  •   I need to prove that I still have it

What should worry anyone are the reasons given for the traps in which we find ourselves. These point to a deeper problem. When our internal systems collapse and our ability to stick to the right thing can’t stand the pressure, our self-regulatory mechanism fails. When this happens over time, we lose our internal capacity or moral bearing to stand up and say no to moral decay. The roots of lust run so deep that once we begin to fulfill our own lusts, a vicious circle begins. Lust leads to a selfishness that puts oneself ahead of everyone else.

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, the idea that a relationship outside marriage is harmless or healthy has become widely accepted. The argument is that, since infidelity is real and is found in every culture, there is nothing wrong with having an affair. Here are three simple practices I read that I thought apply when one is caught up in or confronted with a compromising situation:

Run from what will hurt you and what you stand for

Run to what matters to you most

Run with one who will help you

 

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