KITOTO: I'm 27 and the thought of marriage scares me to death

Kitoto, I believe I should be somewhat excited and feeling pressured to settle down as I am 27 years old and in a stable, long-distance relationship. I plan to get married in three to four years but the thought of marriage scares me. Every time I think of it my stomach literally turns, and I do not understand why. Nobody is pressuring me to settle down, my boyfriend is very much okay with the three-year period, yet I am still scared! What is going on here? Is this normal?

Aria

Aria, three years of dating is long enough for a lasting commitment to be made. From what I see, there seems to be no problem between the two of you. But what you may need to understand is that, as much as marriage is exciting to look forward to for some people, it can be quite scary for others.

This may happen because of several reasons:

Fear of losing personal independence: Is marriage about the two becoming one? Until we are willing to give up control, we will still be two independent people in a relationship.

Fear of the unknown: There are no guarantees in marriage. Without faith it is impossible to walk down that road.

Fear of losing your network of friends: Your number one friend should be your spouse. In fact, isn’t marriage all about forsaking all others?

Presence of unresolved issues: Every spouse must come to a place where they feel comfortable about their conflict management skills. There is no relationship that will be trouble-free, but maturity to face issues together is key.

Lack of confidence in the ability of your man to meet your needs: There is no way we can come to marriage to be completed and be completely satisfied by our partners. God is the only one who fulfills and completes us.

Scared that you are not ready? One can never be fully ready. However, you must feel some level of peace and a settlement that you are marrying your best friend. If this inner peace is absent, then see a counsellor to talk more about it.

Fear of a break-up: Fear is enemy number one in marriage, and break-ups are the result of couples’ inability to resolve their pending issues. However, where a couple builds a freedom to dialogue, the chances of growth and harmony are great.

Fear of the responsibilities of marriage: Marriage responsibilities must be the concern of the couple and not one person. Where it is clear that the weight of the responsibilities will fall on one person, there will be need to revisit the issues before a marriage is entered into.

Biting more than you can chew? Your scare may be the result of feeling that this is more that you can handle. My prayer is that you count the cost. Look at what it will take and ask yourself whether you are willing to walk the talk.

Fear of falling out of love: Love is a choice we make to remain committed to our partner regardless of the ups and downs in the relationship. Failure may come, but we should rise above them. Even children fall as they try to walk for the first time. However, because they don’t give up, one day they walk effortlessly.