the Power of confession: Learn to move past adultery and heal your relationship

if one spouse falls into temptation and sins against their partner either by having an affair outside marriage or abusing them for one reason or another, there is need to have confession so as to get the relationship back on course. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • Unconfessed sin is a danger that hides deep inside and brings destruction and a lack of fulfilment in the relationship. As a result, too many relationships, marriages, families and even personal lives are filled with distress and unhappiness.
  • We have to allow our inner unconfessed sins and bitterness into the light. Exposure allows for the shedding of light into an ambiguous situation.
  • The process of confession of known sin or grievance in a relationship can be both long and painful. Therefore, exposure and thereafter dealing with the issues of reconciliation is of crucial importance.

I will start with a quote by Hellen Keller that states: “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”

King David, in his desire to handle the sin of having an adulterous affair with someone’s wife said, “When I kept silent, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.” In my years of counselling, I have come to realise that, adultery is not only a sin against the couple but also a sin against the family as a whole.

The consequences of an unconfessed sin in a relationship are deeper than we realised. Baptist preacher C.H Spurgeon, explains it by stating: “It is well known that in ordinary cases, grief which is kept within the bosom grows more and more intense.”

 He adds that, “It is a very great relief to shed tears; it gives a vent to the heart … There is something in telling your sorrow and letting it out; otherwise it is like a mountain tarn which has no outlet, into which the rains descend and the torrents rush, and at last the banks are broken and a flood is caused.”

Speaking about relationships, John E. Welshon states that, if they’re broken, breaking, or shattered … what better time to strengthen them …”

In relationships where a spouse hides critical areas of their life from the other keeps the relationship on a volatile path than when those issues are brought into the open and dealt with.

In a healthy relationship, if one spouse falls into temptation and sins against their partner either by having an affair outside marriage or abusing them for one reason or another, there is need to have confession so as to get the relationship back on course. 

PAINFUL SINS

To begin with unconfessed sin brings guilt and shame. However, where we have no obligation, we feel no urgency to deal with issues that help bring intimacy.

Unconfessed sin is a danger that hides deep inside and brings destruction and a lack of fulfilment in the relationship. As a result, too many relationships, marriages, families and even personal lives are filled with distress and unhappiness.

Second, since lack of confession acts like a chronic disease, waiting too long to confess may manifest later in more dangerous ways.

A hidden affair for example, can take a toll on a relationship and take our joy and intimacy.

It systematically eats into the energy of the relationship. This is the power of guilt in the offender. They can pretend to be happy but will unless  they deal with the sin they will remain miserable.

Most people choose to conceal it and remain irritable or walk away slowly from their commitment in the relationship.

Other times unconfessed sin can be the direct cause of physical ailments.

To the spouse who becomes suspicious of an unconfessed sin in their partner, this can cause great anxiety and mental toll on them. Remember, what is out in the open is easier to deal with than what is concealed and buried.

Third, unconfessed sin kills intimacy by creating negative vibes in the offended spouse and fear of the unknown in the offender — particularly if the issue were to be faced head on.

It is said that, psychological stress can delay the healing of a wound and decrease inflammatory responses required for bacterial clearance.

It is also true that, psychological trauma and stress can have an impact in the healing of an emotional wound caused by the sin in a relationship. 

MOVING FORWARD

I have learned from those who practice medicine that there are various ways to deal with an infectious wound. First, it has to be exposed, cleaned, and bandaged. Second, it has to be exposed again, cleaned and bandaged. This process is repeated until all the wound heals from the outside right to the centre of the wound.

In other instances, it has been discovered that bad and infectious wounds can be cleaned by certain types of maggots which are placed on the wound and bandaged. The maggots have only one task, to eat the rotten flesh and clean up the wound.

All I am saying is, we have to allow our inner unconfessed sins and bitterness into the light. Exposure allows for the shedding of light into an ambiguous situation.

Your partner is able to understand you better and offer you support. External support, just like the maggots, is always helpful.

Supportive friends

The use of accountability partners, honest friends, counsellors and the like helps build a stronger relationship. I must caution here that, some  friends and accountability partners can become accomplices to the ‘crime’ and will one day leave you and watch your marriage die. So choose wisely and carefully.

Great friends help us confront the skeletons in our closet and move with us into finding healing. Friends who are quick to help you conceal what you know you need to confess are not real friends.

BIGGER PICTURE

The process of confession of known sin or grievance in a relationship can be both long and painful. Therefore, exposure and thereafter dealing with the issues of reconciliation is of crucial importance.

Scars will be left behind and may remind us of the past grievance or wound. But let’s also be reminded that this is but a scar. American novelist Harry Crews put it this way: “There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.”

In my past articles, I have shared some of these principles of resolving an issue after confession: For a start, confession helps those in a relationship identify the source of the error committed.

Therefore, to get more information there is need to use a series of questions to identify the cause. Listening to each other and acknowledging the pain caused helps the information sink home and encourage understanding and further openness.

Secondly, confession must involve an ability to look beyond the incident and consider that the bigger picture. What do you want from your marriage and how can it become stronger?

Someone once said that, many times “it is not the situation but the perspective on the situation that causes anger to fester and ultimately leads to a shouting match…”

Write down what it will take for each spouse to walk towards a better relationship. For instance, you might commit to greater cooperation and collaboration on addressing future issues that may occur. Ask yourself whether we have put in place regulations that will help prevent similar conflicts from happening in future.