My husband is a priest, but he is a serial cheat and a big pretender

I have been married to a priest for six years now, though we do not have children yet. Pastor, I feel bad because when we go to church, we pretend all is well. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • I have contemplated divorce many times but I fear that he will be excommunicated if I leave him. I found out that he was being unfaithful a year into our marriage. Just last week, he came home almost in the morning.
  • As I was putting his clothes away, I found a condom.  His clothes were also smelling perfume and alcohol. This has happened severally in the past.

Dear pastor,

I am a keen reader of this column, and like the way you address issues. I am so disturbed and confused, I am considering walking out on my marriage. I have been married to a priest for six years now, though we do not have children yet. Pastor, I feel bad because when we go to church, we pretend all is well.

I have contemplated divorce many times but I fear that he will be excommunicated if I leave him. I found out that he was being unfaithful a year into our marriage. Just last week, he came home almost in the morning. As I was putting his clothes away, I found a condom.  His clothes were also smelling perfume and alcohol. This has happened severally in the past.

The women at church seem to know that all is not well with us. What do I do? Do I tell them? Do I tell the church elders? I am confused. This is not the life I envisioned when I got married.

 

The world today continues to witness countless numbers of ministers of the word of God who are falling into financial and sexual impropriety. Every marriage has its own challenges, which may be the result of weaknesses or failures of one or both partners. Your husband is a priest, supposedly with a call from God to minister to the wounded and hurting and direct them to the house of God. From the onset, use what you know and seek to know the truth from your husband. Talk to him about his coming home late and what you found on his clothes.

Although commitment to a walk of purity and faithfulness is a demand for servants of God, as ministers, we are not super beings immune to sin. The Bible has many examples of leaders who fell and the consequences that followed their sin. When a minister of the word of God falls into sexual sin, he loses spiritual and moral authority to preach or teach against immorality. However, we know of people like King David who were restored by God after they confessed of their sin. Confrontation of the sin and confession were key in the restoration of King David. There is therefore need for your husband to confront the issues honestly.

I see that the issue of having not conceived children in your marriage is weighing heavily on you. The two of you need to talk openly about it and perhaps explore seeking medical advice. Through prayer and a walk of faith, God will respond. I have seen this happen, where a couple conceived after 10 years. The pain you are going through cannot be underestimated, however, there needs to be dialogue between you and your husband. What you are feeling is a combination of issues that include the irresponsible behaviour of your husband in addition to the fact that you are dealing with the questions behind the failure to conceive.

I pray that you will visit a Christian counsellor or a respected spiritual leader that is known to your family to give you help. He or she will help you navigate these issues with wisdom. Since your biggest dilemma is what to do with the pain you are carrying, it has been hard for you to make any disclosure for the love of your husband and fear of messing up with his position in church. Sadly, the emotional pain will reach a level where it will be difficult to manage.

Failure or sin was never meant to lead to the shaming of the sinner, but turn the sinner around to realise the opportunity God gives through forgiveness. You however need to recognise the consequences of the sin and turn away before the sin consumes you.

The pain you have should not lead you to seek revenge, but to help your husband live right before God and the people. Fear of him losing employment should not stop you from leading him to a place of repentance.

I believe that your church has leaders above your husband or elders of the church that you can speak to. I suggest that you do two things: First, talk with your husband. Let him know what you know and ask him whether he needs help. If the answer is yes, then seek help together. Second, talk about him seeing a counselor. Where you are at now, there is need to have a session with a pastor or Christian counsellor.

I pray that this, in addition to prayer, will not only help you heal, but also provide an avenue that will lead to a solution. Should your husband admit his mistakes, he will need to take time away from work to deal with these issues. To this end, disclosure to the leadership in confidence will be necessary.