KITOTO: Trying for a baby is ruining our relationship

Dear Kitoto,

I am a regular reader of your articles, and I have a pressing and disturbing problem. My girlfriend and I are 30 years old. We met in 2012 and we have been trying to have a baby in vain.

We have consulted many doctors to help us make a baby without success. Initially, I thought perhaps my girlfriend was the source of the problem because she used to have irregular periods, but one of the doctors we saw diagnosed her with a urinary tract infection (UTI) instead; she was treated and now she is okay.

I wanted to meet my girlfriend’s parents but she insisted that she has to conceive first before that happens. My parents and close relatives are also putting pressure on us to have a baby. This has caused so much tension between me and my girlfriend, to the extent that you can feel the unhappiness in our house.

We are not even talking to each other. I have started to wonder if maybe I have some unknown genetic problem that could be keeping me from siring a child or whether I have a problem related to my sperm count and quality. I have been asking myself so many questions about this, but I can’t seem to come up with any answers.

Earlier this year, my girlfriend wanted to quit the relationship because she felt that it wasn’t going anywhere. Now I’m wondering whether we should go on and break up or whether we should stay together and seek a specialist to take us through advanced testing. I feel bad about keeping her this long without a child. I also feel confused. Please advise me.

Frustrated Kenyan Man.

Hello,

From your narration, it looks as if your girlfriend is more upset at the fact that she hasn’t conceived, than you are. I’m glad that you consulted a doctor and that you were both given a clean bill of health. The way you communicate on this issue, will determine whether you continue to have a cordial relationship with your girlfriend. Blaming each other will not be productive for your relationship.

On another note, you need to ask yourself what is core to you when it comes to relationships. Is marriage only complete and fulfilling when you have children? This question is crucial because your whole identity may be tied to that thought. I have seen many couples who have chosen to see each other as a gift and as a result invested in the relationship, even though they didn’t have a child.

Did they have questions about the fact that they did not have children from their union? Yes! However, they looked at the idea of children as secondary when viewed in the light of the whole relationship.

They were of the opinion that children come to be with us for a period and when they leave, we are left to care for each other. Therefore, the amount of investment we make in each other is key. On the flip side, there are marriages where children are abundant, but the parents are unfulfilled and unhappy. In the end, marriage is a choice you make to invest in and live with your partner with the view that it can be fun with or without children.

One way of surviving and remaining happy as a childless couple is to connect with other couples who seem to be happy but who can’t have kids. Draw from their experiences. Also, look out for others who waited many years before they got their first child. Find out what their experiences were and how they remained connected despite the challenges.

What you need to avoid is being with people who pile pressure on you. If you have to be around them, protect each other from their careless and hurtful statements. In addition to prayer and faith, connecting with a therapist, especially one who is experienced in infertility issues, and finding ways to engage each other positively will help you be objective and live with a healthy perspective on marriage.